Okay... So I just scheduled an appointment with DB coach Jody for tomorrow morning at 9am. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. Please tell me this is a good step for me!
So will you all please help me with some bullet points of what my goals are? I made a list of all the pertinent dates that things have happened so that I can go over that with her. Then, here are my goals so far: 1.) Get stronger - no desperation, neediness, clinginess - I KNOW what I need to do, but I need to find the strength to DO it 2.) Get H to notice me again and feel attracted to me as a person and a wife 3.) H to come home when we are BOTH ready 4.) When H does come home again, find ways to be able to communicate so that we can work out the issues the got us here 5.) Be able to focus on our business whole-heartedly again
And here are some personal issues I need to work on: 1.) patience 2.) being controlling 3.) being obsessive (asking questions a million different ways, etc.) 4.) lack of confidence 5.) "debating" him during conversations 6.) talking too much - he is silent 7.) accepting what H says rather than trying to say it a different way or rephrase the question to get him to see my point of view 8.) me running the show - scheduling things for us, doing things for him, etc., - not letting him be the man he wants to be
Will you PLEASE help me add to my lists based on what you've observed of me? I really, really want your honest feedback so that I can get the most out of both this session and in working on ME!
I'm just sitting here, shaking my head...everything you said to Tam was correct. However, it seems to me that Tam has some issues that need to be resolved before she can even begin to start DBing. Her desperation, if not stopped, will end this marriage...sadly, she is the problem...not her husband. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would definitely leave as well.
Tam
I would highly, very highly suggest that you go to the therapist that your Dr. recommended...a couple's therapist is just that, for couples...your husband will not go with you now...you are not a couple, right now, per se. You need to resolve some issues within you, your need to constantly be assured, the need to rely on your husband, the low self-esteem issues...
Lin and I can walk you through what you need to do - however, it would take enormous time...whether or not you would heed that advice, would be entirely up to you. You have shown, that you don't want advice - unless it is along the lines of pursuing your husband.
Honestly, Tam...I think you will drive your husband into a sad divorce. You are the one with the problem...not him...you. My suggestion is to talk to Jody tomorrow, as you have arranged, that would be good for you...BUT - you need to see a therapist. Your weakness goes beyond your husband walking away...way beyond him having an affair. Something within you, in your personal history has woken up fears that you have. Whatever these may be will need to be addressed, in order for you to move forward and become the independent woman you should be.
My XH and I are spending the weekend in KeyWest, we're leaving early in the morning...so, I hope and know you will have a good talk with Jody...so I'll talk with you next week...
Lin...keep up with Tam this weekend...she'll need all the help she can get.
Ummm...even if H brings it up....I would change the subject....it will create emotions and possibly cause you to go off on a tangent....you know start asking more then he tells... So...just say...we don't have to discuss this right now...or...I would rather discuss this another time,now it is not good for me.
I would say for you right now to find a counselor who agrees with what you want to do...but will focus more on you and what you want to accomplish then on helping you fix the marriage...right now you just need to leave the M/R alone...get yourself on strong ground...
The counselor that I went to helped me to work on becoming emotionally more attractive....learning to be happy on my own....to see MY successes and embrace them as MINE....to work out who I wanted to be....she managed this with me in just about 3 or 4 sessions....and then that was it....I was ready to work...
So when you talk to a counselor....put the focus more on you...and even if down the road you and H decide to try counseling I wouldn't use the same one that you used for individual counseling as the counselor might be more biased because you were there first...you know?
Good gool....NO TALK about R or OW....and I know as easy as that sounds for you it is going to be big....but you can do it...remember you have asked the questions and gotten the answers...respect him and accept them...write them down and read them when you need to....
There is still hope....and regardless of there not being much research on Michelle's work...well, I am proof...so are others here....and it makes sense when you consider how the girls that "played hard to get" were most wanted by the guys...why??? Because they had it together and that was attractive!!!
You will really feel good about the DB coaching. Chuck was my coach and if I started off on something that I wasn't in control of like the OW. He would tell me that I wasn't in control of that and the only one I can be in control of is me. He would make suggestions that were really helpful and very positive. I suggest that you write it down as she tells you so you can go back and remember and reenforce your new ideas and goals that she will help you set. BUT then the hard part which from experience is to have the strength to try and work thru the things that will help YOU. and to find you and what you need to work on for you not H.
Like LIn says if he brings OW up change the subject and don't even think about it. If you feel like you are going to take off and ask questions or vent take a minute and a breath and like Lin says tell him I don't want to talk about her right now.
One person helped me when I would get a feeling of anxiety to ask to many questions or call him to many times or any of the stuff that you and I have both done is to think " OK God this one is in your court . YOu are going to have to handle this one for now." It just helped saying that and it was like I tagged teamed it to someone else to handle for a while. Might work Might not but it did help me sometimes when I was by myself.
Think POSITIVE and Have PATIENCE.....Think I can do this. Good luck and I hope it helps. Good luck tomorrow morning.....You will feel better.
You guys are so awesome. THANK YOU for hanging in there with me. I know I seem like I'm not listening to your advice right now, but please know that that is not the case. I AM listening; I'm just having a really hard time implementing it. I hope you can look back to the dark days when you were at where Penny and I are at and remember how hard it is to find strength and to always do the right things. I'm not perfect, and it's really hard to just go cold turkey and do everything right all of the time. I know I've been working on this for a while, but this latest bombshell that happened since we got back from our trip is still very fresh on my mind and threw me into a tailspin again. I just need some time to gather myself again. I know I can do this, so please don't lose faith in me!
1210, thank you for telling me like it is and making me see from the outside how H is looking at all of this. I hope you'll keep belieivng in me. I hope you and XH have a wonderful time in KeyWest this weekend. Be sure and let us know how it went!
Lin, thank you for being here for me. You have helped me so much with your candid yet caring words. I hope you'll stick by my side...
Penny, thanks for your inspiring words about the coaching and also your suggestions about letting things go to God, etc. Again, you are so strong to be reaching out to me when you are having such a hard time yourself. THANK YOU!
I am looking forward to my coaching in the morning and will let you know how it goes. I will ask her what she thinks about individual counseling for me as well. I hope you can at least see that I WANT to do the right thing. I just need strength, courage, and support... I hope you'll all stand by my side... DON'T GIVE UP ON ME!
Good luck with the coaching, Tam. It will help to get you grounded and form a game plan here. I always feel best when I'm working towards something, when I don't have a plan I feel kind of whipped!(Has anyone seen my plan anywhere, I seem to have misplaced it) Let us know how it goes.
How are you doing....if your feeling down....do some "happy thinking" and take a walk....listen for the birds....maybe stop and smell some flowers....take notice of all the little things...maybe even a little bug...ever notice how facinated little kids are when they see a bug?...I found out why...watch the bug and you will too...just sit down on the curb or in the yard and watch....it will do ya wonders....I think that is why kids are so darned happy all the time!!!
Thanks for checking in on me. I'm doing okay today. Thanks for the advice about getting out and doing some to get my mind off things. I may take up "bug-watching..." LOL
I went out last night and bought the book called ... hmmm ... forgot the name... Something about Tough Love by a Christian author... I had seen it recommended on this site. I then went out to dinner - all by myself! It was kind of sad but made me feel good at the same time. I had spoken with H last night and asked him if we were going to go out to dinner, and he said maybe yes, maybe no, that he would let me know. Of course, he never called...
I hardly got any sleep last night. I read my new book for a while and was able to fall asleep but awoke around 2:30 and couldn't get back to sleep - took sleeping pills and everything. I think I was anxious about my appointment with Jody this morning... I ended up reading more of my book until almost 6 o'clock and then I think got another hour or so of sleep...
I decided to take a Xanax before I talked with Jody this morning so that I could try and remain calm for our conversation. I knew it was going to be the very first time that I had verbally talked to ANYONE about this situation and that it might be very emotional for me. Luckily, the Xanax helped me to keep my emotions in check.
Jody was very kind and gently and supportive. She reinforced what you all have been telling me - that I need to let go of H and focus my energy on ME instead of him. She, too, felt that he may have felt cornered the other day when he said he didn't want to be with me anymore. We talked about some goals to stop wasting my energy on him so that I could get stronger myself and to work on GALing and some things I would do to accomplish that.
In the book I was reading, it talks about using the same sort of techniques Michele advises as far as doing a 180 with your actions, not being predictable, not being needy, desperate, etc., and replaing that with mysterious, alluring behaviors to make your H take notice. Then it talks about ultimately giving H an ultimatum that you want to stay married very much and to be together but that it's time for H to decide - with W or OW. This scared me to death, as I don't think I can do that...
I talked with Jody about this, and she said that timing is everything, and that now is definitely not the right time for me to do anything like that. She used the analogy of a bank account, that if your account has a negative balance in it, you can't go to the bank and withdraw money from it. She said that every time I talk to H about R/OW, it's like I'm trying to take money out of an empty bank account and that what I need to concentrate on now is making "deposits" into that bank account by changing my behaviors.
It was a really nice conversation and was very helpful and just was nice to be able to actually talk with someone about this situation. I look forward to our next call.
H called this morning (ironically, while I was talking to Jody on the other line... ) So, I couldn't take the call, and he got voicemail! He left a message asking if we were going to do a business item together today and said that if I was free maybe we could go to lunch, which was nice. He said he'd catch up with me later.
I purposely didn't call him back since he said he's catch up with me later. He called around noon and asked if I was ready to do the business item. I said I was, and we did the business thing, and then I asked if we were going to lunch (I know, I should have let HIM bring it up...) He said he had gotten too hungry and had already eaten, so I just let it go...
Then, we were in the office at our job site, and he looked out the window and said "Honey, look!" and showed me something outside. I know it seems small and silly, but he called me "honey." I'm sure it was just out of habit, but his "slip" pulled at my heart. I, of course, didn't call any attention to it, and I don't even know if he noticed. At least he doesn't "hate" me so much that his heart still lets him "slip" every once in a while, right?
So I haven't seen him any more today. I'm going to work on just keeping my distance from him this week and work on getting much-needed work accomplished, as I know that will make me feel better.
Still haven't decided for sure what to do about the trip next week to H's parents' house. Will keep you posted on that.
I also asked Jody about individual counseling. She said that might be a good idea but to also just consider refocusing all of my energy on ME...
You sound so much better!!!! It is a big step not to call him back and let him make the move. Good Job!!! that is a hard one for me too (when you've been in business for 25 yrs together to its hard not to take those calls for me.)
If you can keep your self busy it really helps. I used to sit around and try to figure out what I should do but it does feel better to stay busy. I'm doing all the jobs I have put off.
I'm like everyone else I think you should not go to his parents house. I think it would be better for you right now. I do think it will be good for you to go to Vegas though.
Well just wanted to write a short note and tell you how much better you sounded. I'm glad you like talking to Jody. They are so nice and very supportive. If you were like me you wished you could talk to them more often. Keep up the good work and Remember Patience....
