Thanks Snodderly, It was left up to H whether he wanted me at christening and he chose not to include me. I work with BIL and am close to sil and told them I understood. H called while d11 and I were on our way to the mall to pick her up something to wear tomorrow. H called and asked what time we'd be home so he can drop off bday cards from h and his parents for s15. I told him s15 wouldn't be home but I would call him when we got home so he can drop off cards and see d11. He was crying. Saying he knew s15 wouldn't be home and s15 didn't want to see him anyway.
H arrived seconds after d11 called to tell him we were home. Must have been lurking nearby since he lives 15 min away. He came in and sat with d11 for a few minutes. I walked by said hello ( he barely acknowledged me) and when I went upstairs to let the dog out he and d11 got into an argument and he stormed out. NICE. She can be tough and he has no patience so ....he stormed out after she told him she knew she couldn't wear sweatpants tomorrow. I told her to call and apologize and she said she tried to apologize when he was stomping out. UGH.
SO he will be with his family tomorrow. Should be uncomfortable for all I am sure. We all used to be a tight family. Always together once a weekend for dinner or something. Now, the family hardly ever sees each other like they used to. The party tomorrow should be quick because it is so tense. I would love to be a fly on the wall to see h interaction.
Anyway, I'll hang back with s15 tomorrow and as he would say "chill". My dad says my H has fallen into a hole and can't figure out how to get out. I just don't understand how someone can sacrifice their R with their kids, their family and everything for the life he is leading now. Can someone explain this??
Mopsey, Your father said it all--he's fallen into a hole and can't out how to get out. It's a very true and valid statement.
I'm sorry your d and h had a bit of a tiff, but the waters will be smoothed over in time. Your h is forgetting that your d is very smart and would know not to wear sweat pants.
Mopsey, try to enjoy tomorrow. Your h will be on very good behavior. I know it's going to be stressful, but you'll be okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
They are brain dead, self-centered, and evil-spirited. That's how they can do that.
Now biblically speaking, the devil has control of them right now. Your question is one I ask every day. The destruction and turmoil that MLCers put their family through is overwhelming. you have to be the mature one now. It sounds like you are handling things very well.
Just remember, people will look back at this time and see how wonderful you handled things, including your H and your children. Don't doubt that you are an amazing human being for going through all this like you have.
LUV GOAL
Me: 45 H: 43 Married: 19 years Dated 05 years Bomb: 11/06 OW - "I love her, but still want you as my friend"
S15 opened his gift from his father and inside was a 3 page letter. He said I could read it and I did. It stated how proud he was of s15 and that he knows that he is angry. S15 didn't read it. He took it outside and burned it. I couldn't believe it. I just don't know how H lives with himself knowing that his R with his son is over for right now. Is what he is doing worth it? I will hang tight but let go and see what happend. I love my H but I don't know this man.
Snodderly..I will enjoy tomorrow. I will grocery shop, cook and spend time with s15. I really am not upset that H is going with d11. A total 180 for me. A quiet day at home sounds great. Mopsey
Well H called at 4 am this morning. Inquiring about s15's bday and if he had a good day. I told him what he did. H asked if s15 opened his card. I told him yes but didn't tell him s15's reaction. H sounded like he had a few but I wasn't sure. Kept saying that if he and I loved each other we wouldn't have hurt each other the way we did. I just listened. I told him that I see things different. I didn't tell him that the hurt he thinks I caused him is his way of justifying his actions. Didn't go there. He kept talking about how no one loved him. He talked about putting us out of our misery and implied that he was going to hurt himself (permanently). His talk was scary. I didn't know if it was the alcohol, the depression, manipulation or a combination of them all.
He said he had to go and that we'd be better off without him. He scared me. SO I hopped in the car and drove down to see if he was ok. I went around back to the entrance of his parent's basement and found him sleeping in a reclyning chair. I kissed his forehead and went to leave and he woke up. He wanted me to lay next to him and I did for a while. He asked why i was there and I told him I was worried about him. He kept saying that we would all be better off without him.
SO not sure where I am at. H comment about people loving each other not hurting each other makes me wonder if he loves me still or if he ever did. I have to wonder where MOW is and how he could be so depressed if he has her for his drug.
Is he close to rock bottom? Not sure. I also don't know if he can ever find his way home with the way he is thinking right now.
I am really worried and wondering about my H. D11 calls from sil's last night. Asks if she can skip school tomorrow because her cousins are in from out of town. I tell her no. Before I can explain my answer she hangs up on me. Call her back on H cell phone and H picks up. He says that he knew that I would say no. I said the only reason that I said no is because D11 has state testing in school this week and it is too hard for the teachers to have kids miss and have to make up. H wasn't listening to me just kept saying he knew that I would say no. I must have raised my voice a bit (not shouting) to try to get my point across because then he says to me that I should stop yelling at him. I could tell he was emotional so i spoke to d11 and reminded her of her tests and she came home a little while later.
H then calls. Asks why I was yelling. I said I wasn't, I was just trying to explain that if d11 didn't have the tests she could've stayed home,but he was not listening to me and was acting like I was denying this on purpose. So we talked for a bit and he was crying again. Saying that d11 is the only thing he has left. I told him I was sorry that he felt that way but I loved him and he has me too. He was so upset. Kept saying that he wasn't going to be around much longer. I tried talking to him and calming him down. He said he lost everything and nothing matters anymore.
I know that when my H has been very depressed he has told me he was dying. He was sure he was dying and nothing I could say changed that. He has also said when he was very down that we'd be better off if he was gone.
It must just be part of it. Sorry I can't help more. Don't worry. I really think they are too selfish and self-involved right now to do anything dangerous. I think they just feel awful and want attention. Of course, I know how hard it is to watch.
Hugs, Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Thanks Sun, I am not sure what to make of H's mood these days. SIL once told me that several times when H was younger and living at home he would blow up at his mom and move out. Once he figured he made a mistake and couldn't handle it out on his own, he would come back. He would also threaten to kill himself to get to his mom.
I just don't know where his head is. He says he can't take it anymore and has lost everything yet we are all still here waiting for him to come out of the tunnel. I just don't know if he can ever figure this out.
Mopsey, I wouldn't worry too much about his mood swings. I was reading an article in the Post over the weekend about mood swings and adolescents. Guess what the contributing factor was? Stress. Let him cry to his heart's content. He made this mess and now he must clean it up.
Listen to what your SIL has told you about his past behaviors. Sound familiar? He's in desperate need of a 2X4 up beside his noggin. He's trying to grow up and doesn't know how to go about it.
As for your daughter, she should have known better than to ask about skipping school this week, especially with all of the testing being done all over the country. Stick to your boundaries or your daughter will be acting out just like her father, especially if they hang together for very long.
I feel for you. It's a tough journey and until this man hits bottom hard, he's going to be acting out all over the place. He's going to have to realize at some point that the world doesn't revolve around him.
