Ok. My First Thread in Many Moons

[OG_Lou]

^5 LFL

[NewJourney]

Excellent, LFL! But you know what this means, don't you? NO chocolate for you!

[LustForLife]

Thanks Nop, Lou, and NJ for the congrats.
This has been a really great weekend and I feel like we've had another major shift in the R/M (for the better).

Let me give a synopsis of what happened Friday night:

I don't know is my H is reading the boards or if Nop sent him telepathic Nop 101 cliff notes LOL but it went just as hoped.

When he got home from work, I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes (nice touch, huh) He came right up to me and pinched my butt and gave me a nice kiss. Said he was looking forward to going out.
That's when I used the line "let's make this a real date."
As I guessed, he knew what I meant and was more romantic than usual.
I chickened out about asking him to get my car door because it just seemed forced but he did the rest without any prompting!
When we got to the restaurant, we had to wait for table so he said let's get a drink at the bar. We walked over and he held out the chair for me. I noticed there were quite a few men at the bar and that H kept positioning himself facing me and putting his arm on the back of my chair (very protective) It was cute.
I was quite sweet and girlie myself and I think he was really picking up on that. He naturally became more masculine when I toned down "aggressive LFL", so that really worked!
When they called our table I noticed he put his arm on my back the whole way and Led me to the seat. Nice!
We had a great meal and then went on to the movies. He made several comments that he hoped it wasn't too long because he wanted to go home and have his way with me. Is this the same MrLFL I have been discussing this whole time??
It makes me think he was probably doing these things all along and it was ME that was ruining it all. But why go back in time and speculate. At least I am aware of it now and boy has it made a difference.
So we got home and we had the best sex. My H has always been the best at oral and I did as you said Nop, started out just laying there to let him lead. He did, and it was nice to not worry about "is this going to work." We were both so relaxed and comfortable with each other which made it so much better.
He noted afterwards that it was the best birthday present he could have gotten. He also said that he felt we were really in a good place in the M now and he was so happy.
I can't believe that a few changes in my own attitude made the whole R shift so much. But it really worked.
Probably because I was the one unwilling to fully commit like you said Nop and now he surely senses a change in me for the better. He has been busting his butt to rebuild the M since we reconciled and now I am putting in as much effort as him.
I guess the point is that it almost seems easy once the two people get their sh*t together. But if one person is dragging their heels, it can seem a monumental problem to overcome.
Not sure what people can take from this tale but I think one of the main factors is Respect. I was lacking it for my H and now I have it in abundance. That has totally shifted my attitude towards him, the M, and the SL.
So I guess I would say work on rebuilding respect before all else and the sexual R will follow.
Thanks for everyone's feedback.

[chocolateeyes]

I guess the point is that it almost seems easy once the two people get their sh*t together. But if one person is dragging their heels, it can seem a monumental problem to overcome.

Without a doubt.

Congrats on your turn for the better, LforL, and for an awesome evening. We can talk all we want about "enmeshment" and being "differtiated" and "self-soothing," but when all is said and done, we hold the keys to bringing out the best (or the worst) in our spouses.

Choc.

[chocolateeyes]

Excellent, LFL! But you know what this means, don't you? NO chocolate for you!

No no... I'm sure she's had her fill of mixing things up with other posters.

"Chocolate"(eyes)

[LustForLife]

Thanks Choco!
And I'll have plenty of chocolate, thanks very much. Sex and chocolate, the weekend couldn't have been better.

No no... I'm sure she's had her fill of mixing things up with other posters

Boundaries of steal now my friends.
Although I am still naturally a little flirty. That's part of my charm.

that should be "steel", not "steal"
Spelling still needs improvement.

[NewJourney]

I can't believe that a few changes in my own attitude made the whole R shift so much. But it really worked.

NodNodNod

Probably because I was the one unwilling to fully commit like you said Nop and now he surely senses a change in me for the better.

YupYupYup ( told you I have been agreeing with you lately)

He has been busting his butt to rebuild the M since we reconciled

This is a reminder to myself to take in the various ways my H has changed to make things work. I have some martyr traits, and I like to think I am doing all the work here, but my H has kicked things up on his end, and I need to let that in. MWD says one good turn leads to another, and to look for the positives. Sounds like what's happening here for you, LFL.

I'm also impressed with the way you handled "the challenge" on the board. You didn't duck and run, and in fact, moved forward. WTG...tossing you a chocolate!

[LustForLife]

Thanks again NJ.

I have some martyr traits, and I like to think I am doing all the work here, but my H has kicked things up on his end, and I need to let that in.

Yup Yup Yup (right back at you).

I'm also impressed with the way you handled "the challenge" on the board. You didn't duck and run, and in fact, moved forward.

Thanks for that. This board has been a source of problems for me but if I look back at the past (almost) two years I see that is has been invaluable in getting me through my toughest times, especially when I had NO one in RL to talk to about any of this stuff. It still is some of the best sources of insight around, so it's really all what you take from it. I've learned hard lessons but necessary lessons too. I'm in a MUCH healthier place.

Wish I could write more but I guess I should get some RL work done now. Ugh, Monday mornings.

Thanks for more chocolates too!

[NOPkins]

Hi, LFL.

OUTSTANDING!

It would be nice if he were reading here. Have you considered asking him to read and post here?

If or when you are ready for more (or need it), I still have the rest of the plan. I hope you won't need it.

I am very glad that you have taken the biggest step, commitment toward your relationship. Bravo.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[LustForLife]

Thank you again Nop.

It would be nice if he were reading here. Have you considered asking him to read and post here?

I'm not sure I would use the word "nice."

But I know what you mean. It would certainly be a growth experience. I do wonder what he would say about all the stuff that has been written. He already knows quite a bit (the secrecy parts at least) so I am not concerned about being "outed" about anything, but I've really let so much of my inner pain out on this board. I'd be concerned it would bring up demons that are best left buried.

I really am in a place where I want to move forward and he seems to be too. He has told me as much. Plus, if I did come right out and ask him to post, I can guarantee he would decline. If not for lack of interest, then just lack of time. But more likely lack of interest.
He is a music collector so he spends most of his free time (when not with me and kids) doing his own internet music stuff. There's a whole world I know nothing about and also have no interest in so I guess I don't blame him for not showing too much interest in this board.
Whereas I like to talk "theory" and get into psych/soc issues outside of work, he likes to escape work when not there and do totally different things. For instance, he would never read a psychology or self-help book "just for fun." That's how many of our spouses are different than all of us. We clearly like to talk "shop" and I notice many people on this board are highly intelligent, well trained, and often in the helping professions themselves. No accident. But we are also "analyzers" and as such, can never get enough of the discussions. My H happens to be in a similar field with advanced psychology training himself but he likes to keep that in the office. Nothing wrong with that. Just different.
You are a straight to the point kind of guy and probably less of an analyzer than many posters on this board. I've also learned recently that your approach is often more effective.
Throwing a chocolate your way!

And about the continued advice, feel free to bring it on. So far so good in the LFL household. I guess my biggest fear now is slipping back into old patterns. Not so much with the respect issue, but with the "old M couple" issues. Monotony, boredom, old SL patterns. We are still averaging about twice a month and I'd really like to increase that but I don't want to make it an issue and cause "waves" when things are so good right now. Frankly, I don't think I need the actual sex. I'm just using it as an indication of the happiness of the M, which is not always the case. I know several couples that F like bunnies and they report being fairly miserable overall. So....
Ok, I'm sure I've written quite an unabridged version of what I wanted to say, especially to you Nop since you seem to appreciate short and concise responses. Oh well.
I have to be me.