I had an affair and have told my husband. He wants to stay with me and continue working on the problems we have had that lead to my affair. The OM was a very close friend of mine and he has recently told his wife of the affair.
Let me give you some background info. The four of us 3 yrs ago used to be such close friends. That faded some and then when I began having marital problems the OM was there to comfort me and tell me everything I wanted to hear so he could have me. He said he wanted to be with me/not his wife. He talked about having children with me. (You don't know me but that for me was a huge thing to have someone say that to me. I have no children with my current husband of 9 yrs.) In the process I developed strong feelings for him and was devistated after he told me he didn't ever have feelings for me it was all just physical attraction for him.
Ok now back to present day. I'm writing here because my husband's brother is best friends (since college so aprox 6 yrs) with the OM. It has been EXTREMELY hard on me to have to continually hear about my brother and sister in law hanging out with the OM and his wife. MY SIL is ALWAYS bringing up the OM in every conversation. After I revealed my affair to my husband and we began patching things back together I talked to him about this issue with the OM always being brought up and my husband's brother's friendship with OM. My husband recently asked me to tell his brother and sister in law of the affair so they would understand why I have reacted so badly toward them everytime the OM is brought up. My husband asked that I tell them since he is still dealing with the pain and said it would hurt him more to have to be the one to tell them of my affair. I don't want to hurt my husband any more than I already hae so I told them last night. My husband said that after they heard the whole story that he would talk to his brother tomorrow (Sun) and find out what they decided in re: to his friendship with the OM. My husband has a good relationship with his little brother so I know this hurts him to do, but he told me that if his brother decides to remain friends with the OM that he is cutting his brother and sis in law out of his/our lives. I agree with his position. It's just too painful to be ok with their friendship remaining entact. We have had to walk into their house and see pics of OM on the walls and hear about him with every visit for a long time now. We just can't do it anymore.
My SIL has said that they will talk it over and make a decision, but she has assured me that no matter what they decide they won't bring up the OM in any conversations. Well, here's what we think about that. If we continued a relationship with his brother and his wife after they tell us they are remaining friends with OM... sure they won't bring him up. But (and this happened last night) OM will call them while we are with them. They will have to lie to us about where they are or who they are with when we talk to them or try to make plans to socialize with them. It's just a huge lie and we don't really see the point in trying to keep that relationship when we are still working on fixing our own.
I honestly deep down feel like my SIL will push his brother into remaining friends with the OM cause he's the "fun guy friend." My husband has told me that if his brother says they are still going to be friends with OM that he's not going to say anthing other than "Ok then we'll see you at Christmas." and hang up. I told them that he doens't want OM and his wife OR ANYONE THAT ASSOCIATES WITH OM AND HIS WIFE to be a part of our lives. I stressed that it feels like we can't move on cause we can never fully get away from OM. It just brings up unneccessary stress constantly.
On top of everything my SIL had an EA on my brother in law during the first year of their marriage. She of all people should know that you don't want the OM to be in any part of your life when you are trying to piece things back together. Yet she's the one who (before we spoke last night) said to me twice that she knew the OM really hurt me, but that the OM didn't do anything to them so they weren't going to not be friends with him cause he didn't hurt them. Her statements like this are really what pushed the decision to tell them of the affair and his many many lies to me at a time in my life when I was the most vulnerable, lonely, and insecure.
