I am not sure how many of you will agree with what I did last night but after some thinking, I did it anyway.....

I have been becoming impatient with H's words not matching his actions. I am tired of waiting on him to make up his mind. If he didn't want anything to do with me, then why would he be calling me several times a day. But he still can't tell me what is going on with us or how he feels. He called me yesterday and she was there. All he could talk about was the kids because she probably would have gone off on one of her psycho fits. Then he called me on his way to work. Nothing really to talk about. I just told him "You know that we are going to need to talk soon." "I know" was his response. I got off of the phone quickly as I didn't want to get emotional with him knowing about it.

I have been doing alot of thinking. He has told me that he wants to move out of her place and on his own. He thinks that if we have any chance then he has to do it. He told me this 3 or 4 weeks ago. Has it happened yet??? Nope. And she probably knows nothing of his intentions. He is still living there with her while she thinks everything is hunky dory.

I talked to him the other morning and I was mad. I told him that things were the same, him still living there, her telling him that she loves him and him saying it back. He told me that it isn't the same and he isn't saying ILY to her. So why the heck can't he just make up his freaking mind! \:\(

So back to last night..He called me back on one of his breaks. He was talking to me as if nothing in the world was wrong. I asked him when we could talk about things because I don't know how long I can wait around for him to make up his mind. He got pissy and said "I don't know." So I replied "Fine. I am going to get off here because you can't answer a simple question without getting pissed." Once I said that, he started kissing my butt and told me that he wasn't angry and that he was sorry if it came across that way. Here is my response to that:

Me: H, I don't know that I can do this much longer. I don't know that I can wait around for you to decide if you love me or not. I need affection too. I want someone that can touch me without having to think about it first. I want to be with someone that has no doubt in his mind that he loves me. If you can't give this to me, then I will find someone that can.

His response to all of this was "I know" in a very sympathetic voice.

At that point, I told him that I was going to get off of the phone and that I would talk to him later.

I don't know if I have done the right thing but I really am tired of waiting on him to decide what he wants. I can't count on him to keep his word about anything. His friends still come first but I haven't said anything about that. (something that I have done alot of work on...control) I have needs to. I want to be with someone that has no doubts about how he feels about me. If my H can't be that person, then I can and will find the man that will do it.

"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."