Thanks ROOT you are such a doll. And so right I need to embrace evrything I am . That is exactly what I meant. I want to just be me and it is ok. I know this is something I need to grow into. I am really enjoying being me as of late and hope to keep growing as a human being and just be free of worrying about being perfect and so proper all the time. I laugh and smile more now than I have in years and it feels fabulous.... I just talked to H a bit ago and half the stuff that came out of my mouth ( all nice of course) I was almost like WOW that is MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE talking and I sound so Optimistic and Happy and Smiling the whole time and not b/c he has been nice.
.... just b/c I feel good about me. Now when he is nice it is icing on the cake.But it does not define me or own me anymore and it is freeing to love this way. Hard to explain but feels so free. The other day he got angry for example and i took a deep breath b/c his anger is his and let It go and he called later and was being a doll. The old me would have cried or crumbled , CALLED HIM TO TRY AND FIX HIS ANGER ETC. ETC. and just felt bad... NOT ANYMORE. Just being honest you know. .... cause I simply can not be the only Woman who does/DID these things.
... but living like that is not living. It is like you are just going thru the motions. Loving me and living in harmony with God is so much better. Living in the light and living with soul and spirit makes life so much happier and Richer. I feel so blessed and I thank God for always being there for me and guiding me to this Forum. You all are a tremendous support system to me. God bless... Thank you for your support. ROOT YOU ARE THE BEST! God bless YOU...
Cissy, Wow sweetie where would I even begin? First I am glad I would inspire you,, I post here mostly to heal myself and for the relief of "talking " about my feelings. And if helps you that makes me feel soooooo good. I will say I have ben to h*ll and thru it and came out hte other side in the light a much better Woman, Human Being! And based and what i have read @ your life right now.. I would say you are in H*ll right now. Your H can pretend he is giving you another chance and he is basically giving himself a security blanket ad he wants you to put up with al his BS. I am nt saying not to fight for this and to give up but I would suggest when you are ready to set some boundaries. I wish I could pull some of my old posts for you to read. I did not always feel this awesome BTW. I wil give you a recap and make it as short and sweet as possible... On Fathers Day weekend my H came home to see the kids .. and he was sleeping and had taken his shirt off ( we had been seperated since May 1st) I saw " something " on his chest. At 4 am I turned the light on in the room. And low and behold it was a Tattoo ( he still has it ) with the Ow 's name on it. I did not want to make a huge scene but I did wake him. ( he had been denying this for weeks "OW") I confronted him and then he went back to sleep and just expected me to sleep like a Baby! I couldnt and when he did finally wake up he said he wasnt going to be coming back for a long time and I told him that was fine. I told him I could not believe he could just run to someone else so quickly and get over me so fast. As he was getting ready to leave he came by me again and he had a look on his face like I had told him I only had one day to live... I looked at him and told him. I am going to be fine. You take care of yourself and be happy with her. ( Of course inside I felt as though I was dying!) He asked before he was @ to leave if we could still be really good friends? ( I was shocked!!!) I said " I would love more than anything to be your friend but i will not do that . I am sorry. His reply was " oh so this whole time the way you have ben with me is fake? " I replied.. " No it has not been fake ~ I love you still ! ....even after all this I will always love you but that does not mean I can be your friend while you are in love with someone else. I need to let you go. And I will pray for you cause you are very confused."
I cut the rope so to speak and let him go and inside I felt like I was literally going to die. I love my H so much and he just completely broke my heart..... I had given him 10 years and 3 beautiful intelligent healthy children and my love and he is seeing her for about 5 weeks and he tattoos her name " above his heart " He may as well have put a knife thru mine... Just typing this brings some sadness. I sometimes look back and know that God was holding me up cause the pain was immense and I dunno how I even made it thru with integrity and strength. I did not raise my voice that day. I felt a crack in the earth and my life changed forever. So during this seperation and for sure after this day I had been reading DR ( Divorce Remedy). I cut the rope but I did not give up on MY MIRACLE that I was working towards. I was working towards a better me and hopefully a chance at a M far better than the one that lead me to this day!
After this day he called more than he used to and he took TINY baby steps back to me and on August 1st he told me he loved me , and he wanted us to love eachother for a very long time.
I cant remember the day it happened but when he dropped the bomb and I went into my black hole of pain.... I just dissolved and when I got back up off the floor. I realized I needed to get to work and not to try and " get him back" but to GET ME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. I looked in the mirror and told myself that I am beautiful and worthy and he does not define me. ( still working on that one daily) 2. Let go litle by little of many of my bad behaviors, jealousy was one of them. 3. Let go of expectations. 4.Became more humble. 5.Put my Ego away, as best I could. ( sometimes it comes back I am only Human) 6. Loved my H unconditionaly but also had boundaries. (LOVE is not suposed to HURT.) 7. Loved myself more everday and worked on my self esteem. ( Loved myself enough to love my H from a distance so I could restore my sanity.) 8.When OW called I would take a deep breath and let it go. ( Their BS was not for me to fix) 9. I cut the rope more than once when he thought he could keep cake eating and it was not hurting me. 10. I worked on me alot and still do. I believe you have to do it daily to be a better Human Being. 11. More than ever lately I am putting myself frist and then that makes me stronger to love others in a way that is so good. 12. Learning to feel good in my own skin. 13. Read lots of books... Divorce Remedy And also The power of intention. BY: Dr Wayne Dyer 14.Realized I cannot control anyone but me.
I could go on and on and on.... You really need to just make it a priority to take care of you and take the risk and change the not so beneficial parts of you and polish up the really awesome ones. You can do this Cissy you just have to want it and keep it a priority. You will stumble and you will fall but you need to get back up and keep going.. the end result will be an inner peace and a comfort that only YOU can give yourself. Give yourself this incredible gift. God bless...
