Quote:
Question for Corri/Fearless/whoever feels like answering, in regards to your discussion about your SO making statements about how you should feel, or why you shouldn't feel a certain way. I'll admit I have been guilty of making statements in that vein on occasion, and I can see how such statements are unwise at best, manipulative at worst. How about the following statement?

"Given that we are married, if you have no sexual desire for me, can you see how that is a problem?"


Chrome,

I know I'm a bit behind on this one but I still wanted to make a few comments of my own. Also I do not know much about your sitch so I may not capture your sitch's issue. I'm just going to write about what I think (assume :)) you mean based on the above paragraph alone. You'll have to judge and let me know what you think.

I found this to be an unwieldy question that states an issue and position without directly stating it. I did not feel like this was a genuine question. Please do not take this personally because you probably mean this genuinely. I am just say saying that I probably would not hear it that way. It comes across as a bit of a trap to "get" your wife to agree with you and your W may interpret it like that. (Please be honest with yourself and think about whether you may at least be doing it subconsciously)

So, after reading this "question" of yours, what do I think you really want to say? "I feel hurt and bothered that we do not sex. I feel like you do not have a desire for me and that is painful for me." No question really just a statement and see what she asks or how she reacts. The hard part, I assume, would be that you would put your feelings out there. Another hard part is that it is essential that you do not WANT anything from your wife after she says this. Do not expect her to comfort you, understand what you just said, jump your bones , etc. This is about you giving her knowledge. If you haven't done this before, she may not even know what to so with your statement. She may still try to switch it back to the old communication but I would stay firm and just say "this is how I feel whether you mean for me to feel this way or not" Let her soak in that statement, the honest communication and the choice she may need to look at making later.

While some might see statement of emotion as unmasculine, I actually think it is very masculine. What is masculine about being afraid of your feelings and passively emoting those feelings anyway? For me the passive emoting seems much more feminine that out right stating your emotions.

Full disclosure - I was never an LD wife so I cannot speak from that view. When the men here comment about their lack of sex, I am sypathetic because I think that sex is and should be part of a healthy marriage. At the same time there are the ups and downs as with everything in life and marriage.

By the way,I just read your original question to my friend. She is recently divorced. Her xH left her and one issue they had was his need for more sex. She did recognize it as a problem for him but he was "good" at making her feel that there was something wrong with her and by pressuring her constantly and passively. Anyway when she heard the question she scrunched her face up and said " what is he asking?" She said she immediately felt on the defensive to that statement - FWIW.

I think there may be a lot mroe potential for communication here if this has been the way you communicate with your wife. But let me know what other critical information there is with your situation.



But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus