Discussion on MrsCAC4 thread - Making assumptions

[fearless]

I grew up in an alcoholic home. Strong emotions meant that an explosion was just around the corner. When I left home, one of my personal goals was to have a peaceful home. I even get uncomfortable at department stores when a customer starts getting loud and obnoxious to the poor minimum wage cashier.

People start expressing strong emotions, I immediately move into peacemaker mode.

MrsNOP,

Why do you move into peacemaker mode? TO protect yourself? I thought you mentioned younger siblings so were you protecting them too?

I ask because my xH was "afraid" of strong emotions and would move into peacemaker mode too but by being the "funny guy". In his family there was no strong emotions EVER shown so it seemed that he was just afraid of the unknown.

I think you also alluding to wondering about this issue in my childhood by asking if my mom was ill growing up.

For me, I am comfortable with strong emotions. My mom and I would argue strongly and things were always okay between us - well in the end they were (the guys can laugh at me but we might be yelling loudly and arguing but we always ended with understanding each other, sometimes crying, hugging and saying I love you). HOWEVER her relationship with her parents had some issues and definitely I believe she felt "dominated and unaccepted" by her father (which she consciousy worked to NOT do this with her children - and she was very successful) And in turn I would watch her be extrasensitive to things she did not need to be whether it was from my Grandfather, Dad, me or anyone else. This is where I would JUMP in and try to HELP her. She NEVER asked this of me. She also was probably unaware of it in many ways other than I could soothe her by explaining how something really was not about her. This may have started as early as 5th or 6th grade. I know with my grandfather I could see how differently his words affected her. WHile he could critique me, about hair, clothes, etc., it never really cut me to the quick like it did with her. Just watching it bothered me to see her LET my grandfather's "idiotic" personal opinions affect her so deeply. I always tried to help her out. I also had to try to explain my actions as I grew older. When I did not continue going to church in college, I slowly realized she felt it was a direct statement about her - meaning that I "judged" her as a person and had decided that I did not approve of her and therefore would not go to our church. She NEVER directly stated this. It was something I had to uncover because I could tell she was deeply affected by my decision to move away from the church. She could not explain but because I took HER FEELINGS so seriously I took the time to understand how she felt and figure out why. Then I explained that I appreciated the church and I thought that she was a wonderful person, mother and wife and I did think the church was a positive thing for her. I also told her that while I was not going to church at the time it was more about where I was in life and not a statement about the church or her. She understood this and I felt it gave her a personal relief to know it was not about her. This may seem like a small example but I hope it gives context to some of my communication, personal approach to situations and background.

First I want to control myself because I saw my mother out of control and did not want to be that way. Second no one shamed me or forced me into a (at times) desire for perfection. I just saw that if I tried hard enough and was good enough, I could help my mom at times. Third taking time to listen for underlying emotions and being considerate of those feelings is what helped me have a successful relationship with my mom despite the typical teenage girl years of which I am mortified of some of the things that I still did to my mom despite my desire to not hurt her. Fourth, I spoke in analogies a lot to my mom and had to be explicit and wordy to get through to her at times but I always stayed with it until she would understand. (Of course I never really thought about the fact that she was also giving by being willing to stick with it also!)

At the same time I developed some compassion for others that were not like me. WHile I will stay with a story and listen and try to understand the reason why, I do not expect that of others. I most definitely appreciate it but it is not expected. In the end I loved and adored my grandfather despite some of his behavior. He really did not mean to hurt my mom. He loved his family. My dad said that Grandfather's mother was a very similar personality as my Grandfather. By the way strong women in my family back at least 3 generations and all had good marriages. Of course the men were pretty strong too!

I think this is such an interesting subject because you start to see that the same environments can have different effects on people while different environments can casue the same effects. However I think that in the latter case it can be critical to understand the differences in the development because I am sure there are still slight differences in effect due to the actual underlying issue.