Other Woman's Perspective

[MuddleThrough]

Rather than absolve myself of blame, I simply point out that no one in MY sitch has been coherced or convinced into doing anything they are not 100% cognizant of and agreeable to.

In saying this are you agreeing to be the reason for the breakup of your BF's daughter's family? Are you choosing to influence the situation such that this little girl's family is destroyed for the emotional gratification of you and her father? How much coersion is going to be necessary to befriend this little girl in the future?

His choices are his choices and I have no power of them.

True, but you can choose to be in a position to influence his choices. It seems you are absolving yourself of this by saying he's the one choosing.

My big "thing" is that I don't want to be with ANYONE that I have to convince wants to be with me, anyway - so I just drop the rope and give him breathing room.

I see, so you want the ego benefits of being chosen over his wife, just don't want to be responsible for convincing him. Let's be honest here, if winning out over the competition weren't a factor here, you wouldn't still be involved.

There's an overhwelming theme that all spouses that have cheated don't know their own minds and feelings. They've done it simply because their first relationship was lacking some how. I've seen a lot of people get dispondant on these boards, insisting their their spouse couldn't -actually- be in love with the OP. Not too many people (from my reading, back then and again now) see that perhaps their SO really DOES have an accurate picture of what their emotions are, and are being honest with themselves. That, just maybe, someone never expected that lightning bolt of intense love to hit twice, but SUPRIRSE! It has, through NO ONE'S fault!

You may be correct in saying that LBSs don't want to face the fact that the emotions their cheating spouses have for the OP are real. However, the fact is that they have these feelings and they are acting on them. They know that they feel stage 1 romantic love. This is not in question for me. What is in question is a matter of integrity (in the sense of wholeness). People that cheat are not involved in the affair relationship with personal integrity. Their emotions rule the day DESPITE their better judgement. This is not a responsible way to guide your life, not to mention those of family members. Yes, I'm sure you accurately know what your feelings are, as does my W, but they are not all that matters, and looking at these feelings in such a romantic way is almost delusional.

As for MrsNOP's suggestion that I remove myself entirely...he doesn't want that.

I suggested this too, and still do.

We did try to have no contact for about a week, but HE decided that no contact between us made things worse all around. HE feels that talking to me and working on OUR feelings for each other helps him focus more on trying to find an answer to his confusion as to which way to turn.

What about YOUR choice? You keep pointing to his choices, but he's not here, you are. Of course it FEELS worse to not have the affair going on, to not be feeling the rush of brain chemicals. I like this to a smoker saying "I'll have this cigarette and decide whether I want to keep smoking or not." Feelings are not all there is to a relationship. In fact, in almost every relationship the feelings subside and disappear. So trying to base decision about the future on the way you feel now is a bit absurd.

Feelings are responses. They are signals about what is going on around you. The feelings you both are feeling now are unquestionably influenced by the relationship your BF has with his daughter's mother. He may attribute it all to you, but he is demonizing the relationship he has with her and at the same time haloing your relationship. He is not looking at things realistically, and I have little doubt that if he decides to leave his family and commit to you he will experience buyer's remorse somewhere down the line. He will realize that it's not YOU he liked so much, but his own ideals projected onto you. Unmet needs that you are meeting make you seem like a godsend, a superwoman. You're not, you're a human, just like the woman he's cheating on. Eventually he'll see that in you too. Do you want to be back where you were in your last relationship? You're headed down that path. You're choosing to ignore red flags because of the short term benefits.

Yeah, I do realize that. And in how many percent of cases is it TRUE!?

Every affair couple thinks they are special.

Is it SO hard to believe that someone is actually willing to gracefully let someone else go if that's what THEIR heart is telling them needs to happen?

Yes. It is. It's called impulse control. It's kind of important for successful social living. Otherwise the rapist would have the perfect excuse ("my heart told me to do it") or the kidnapper, etc., etc. Listen, I'm not going to say that your heart should not have a great deal to do with how you live your life, but following your heart DESPITE your better judgment is self betrayal. You have a responsibility to be a whole person, anything short of this is dysfunction.

I'm not sure these perceptions are entirely fair, I guess, and that's why I felt the need to speak up.

I'm glad you did speak up, and I certainly respect your doing so. What I disagree with here is you impression of what our perceptions are. I think you are a great person and I think it would be terribly tragic if you were to waste however many years of your life it takes you to recognize that the red flags you saw meant something. I think you deserve the respect of being the only person in someone's life. Perhaps this guy really is the guy for you, and you for him. The way it's happening is not the way. Circumstances are not right. Maybe if you were to end contact with him the circumstances would work themselves out. Maybe you'll get the chance to know how you both feel without the baggage, without influences on your feelings that don't belong in a monogomous relationship. Either way, you will be showing this man TRUE love by giving him the space (whether he feels he needs it or not) to figure out what he needs to do for himself.