By getting out of my own way, does that mean me doing less reconnecting work?
That’s how I see it, if the reconnecting work you do causes her “typical reconnect genes” to not kick in anymore. If those genes are kicking in, let the pattern continue.
BB has some good traits but too many “princess traits” for me to go along with naturally, w/o putting on the “thinking cap” and asking myself “what is really behind the curtain.”
Lou, I also spend a lot of time trying to understand my wife and what makes her tick. But the reason I do that is to narrow the list of options I should take with her. In the end, I take one action or another. You just keep thinking about it with no action. What is the point of that? You are making yourself crazy.
Her answers are non concrete. A little like Ms. HD but with more consideration for my feelings and wants, only she doesn’t know she will hold up her side of the R, considering her age or something else outside her control.
Right, so stop asking and worrying about what she thinks. She doesn’t know.
The part about BB following not so true.
Are you sure? From what I recall, BB has followed whenever you put your foot down.
She is going to have her list of wants and doesn’t want, in order to follow.
This is more like what I recall, that she does not follow willingly, that she complains and grumbles, but she still follows. Why do you think you can ask her to change herself and then like it too? She is in her comfort zone right now. If you want to shift some of that comfort your way, don’t expect her to like it. Just expect her to deal with it.
Your avoidance of making her unhappy sounds to me like you have a major hang-up with being the rescuer Lou. Your guilt over-rides everything you do with regard to BB. If she is unhappy, you freeze. You don’t like where the R is but you don’t want to be blamed for making her unhappy, especially if it is to make yourself happy.
And guess what? She does exactly the same thing. If she does something you don’t like, you grumble and guilt her enough over money, ethics, doing what is right, etc., that she eventually gives in. You guilt her and she guilts you.
Think about this really hard Lou, because I think it is central to your marriage. When you avoid making BB unhappy, who are you protecting? I know you think you have her best interests in mind, but I have always thought, and still do, that you are avoiding the guilt you feel from BB. The feeling must be very powerful because it seems to override your desire to put the marriage on the right track. I think this type of guilt comes from low self esteem, so you might think that over and ask yourself why you don’t you think you matter?
If something is serious enough, you WILL put your foot down. It may take you a while but you do it in a way to not look like the bad guy. Instead you make BB take the fall for you having to draw the line, i.e., you guilt her. She knows this game too well which is part of why I think she is angry. If you draw the line, do it because YOU want to. Take responsibility for it and don’t hide behind some poor behavior of BB that “forced” you to act. She reads into your passive aggressiveness very easily. Then she retaliates.
The good part is that BB does seem to know there is a line out there somewhere and that does prevent her from being more assertive in her wants. But because you don’t acknowledge her and instead guilt her, she needs to step forward to meet her own needs. (I am not talking about material things. I am talking about you validating her.) She does not know where you stand and therefore she does not know where she stands. I think she might feel like she is stuck in limbo and she gets frustrated.
If you laid down definite rules and boundaries, as well as your expectations of her, she could make her adjustments. She might grumble about it, but she also might be just fine after a while. Don’t think that you are hurting her. Remember when you got fed up a while back and you were considering leaving the relationship? Had you left, she wouldn’t even had the chance to adjust (because you haven’t taken a stand). Just think how much more hurtful that would have been to her. Now how fair is that?
So coming back around in my argument, can you see that when you focus on BB and all her objections, her pickiness, etc., that you could actually avoiding your discomfort by keeping her stuck in limbo? And because you do this, can you see that she really has NO WAY OUT? (Because BB is not a leader, like Mrs HD.) Do you see how in this way, you maintain an implicit control over her?
This whole dynamic has its source in one place – your sense of guilt. I think you should consider a heart to heart talk with BB about this subject.
BB said it wasn’t physically comfortable and she wasn’t get anything out of having sex.
My wife does the exact same thing. Not all the time, but sometimes. This is deflection 101. She is uncomfortable with the closeness and is trying to avoid her own feelings. It has nothing to do with you.
This is a good example of what I was talking about. You must take the lead and not worry about acceptance from BB. When you stop it short, you internalize it, and you do her a disservice. She needs as much time enduring that discomfort as possible, if she is to ever work through it. She will get used to it, but if you stop, then complain, she will be more anxious next time. In fact, she must not have been that uncomfortable with it since she asked why you stopped. Can you see how your guilt and enmeshment takes over your perception of what is happening and how BB is feeling?
Was I way off base telling her that it is a common trait of hers, to be some other place mentally during sex and during some make out moments? I said it as consideratly as I could with out glossing over the truth.
I think she needs to realize what she is doing if she is going to stop it. But instead of you stopping short, tell her to stop talking, to relax and enjoy. Let her deal with her emotional discomfort. You do what you can to soothe her, just keep going and you enjoy. Don’t cut it short.
BTW, did she complain any of the physical discomfort that used to prevent her from having sex? What happen to that objection, or maybe was it just an excuse?
Maybe a better question what are some alternatives?
I say stop the major deflecting, face your fears, stop worrying about acceptance and guilt and lead.
