I don't think it's a "blame game". We are all personally responsible for our own actions. Rather than absolve myself of blame, I simply point out that no one in MY sitch has been coherced or convinced into doing anything they are not 100% cognizant of and agreeable to. His choices are his choices and I have no power of them. My big "thing" is that I don't want to be with ANYONE that I have to convince wants to be with me, anyway - so I just drop the rope and give him breathing room.
There's an overhwelming theme that all spouses that have cheated don't know their own minds and feelings. They've done it simply because their first relationship was lacking some how. I've seen a lot of people get dispondant on these boards, insisting their their spouse couldn't -actually- be in love with the OP. Not too many people (from my reading, back then and again now) see that perhaps their SO really DOES have an accurate picture of what their emotions are, and are being honest with themselves. That, just maybe, someone never expected that lightning bolt of intense love to hit twice, but SUPRIRSE! It has, through NO ONE'S fault!
As for MrsNOP's suggestion that I remove myself entirely...he doesn't want that. We did try to have no contact for about a week, but HE decided that no contact between us made things worse all around. HE feels that talking to me and working on OUR feelings for each other helps him focus more on trying to find an answer to his confusion as to which way to turn.
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In fact, many wayward spouses will tell the betrayed spouse how much their affair partner wishes them and their marriage well - IF that's what they want.
Yeah, I do realize that. And in how many percent of cases is it TRUE!? Seriously, why does it have to come down to two people FIGHTING over one spouse, when in many cases that's NOT what it's all about? Is it SO hard to believe that someone is actually willing to gracefully let someone else go if that's what THEIR heart is telling them needs to happen?
I'm not sure these perceptions are entirely fair, I guess, and that's why I felt the need to speak up.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
