HD, I'm not going to give you any advice because you've gotten plenty, and I don't feel like I'm in a position to offer any.
FWIW, here is my take on what Mrs.HD was saying in her reply. I'm looking at this from the POV of an LD woman. I could have been in your wife's shoes. I'm not a 1, but I sure have acted like one, and I believe my mother is a 1. I think I understand how she's feeling. I am not making excuses for her behavior. I am simply trying to interpret it. Then again, I could be full of you-know-what.
I appreciate sharing this with me. As I said to you, approximately one month ago, I do not think I will ever want to make love on a weekly basis, at least not while we are both working full-time and raising a family, and even after that, there are no guarantees.
She is afraid of making promises she can't keep. I've been there. She is afraid of failing. If she avoids the SL altogether she can avoid failure. Failure is just unacceptable to a 1 and she is no doubt her worst critic.
Also based on what you revealed about her conception and her parents I would guess she is terrified of being dependent on you for ANYTHING. She is terrified of being vulnerable. With that much fear of vulnerability she can't allow herself to ML. It's not possible.
At least right now, though, I am too stressed and tired much of the time.
Her plate is full (even though it's of her own making) and she doesn't have enough left to give to you. Even if you are doing all sorts of things around the house to help her, she still probably feels that it's all her responsibility. EVERYTHING is her responsibility because it has to be if she is to be in control. I'm sure she's a perfectionist too. She's stressed and tired because she's expending her precious energy on things like the correct way to hang a towel. Add to that a FT job as a lawyer and a child (more than one?) and I see how it could be crushing. Trying to control everything is truly exhausting.
If I did so simply to satisfy your needs, it wouldn’t be making love, at least not from my perspective.
She would be failing yet again. Better to just avoid it altogether and maybe it will just go away.
For me, making love is an act that we both do willingly. While I might try things to make myself ‘willing’ more often than I would if left to my own devices, putting some sort of schedule or required number of times to make you feel loved isn’t going to work for me.
She is interested in ML!! This is NOT a no! But a schedule is making promises she's afraid she can't keep with the ultimate fear of failure again.
Do you remember talking about this? I get frustrated because it seems to me we keep having this same discussion over and over. You say you ‘get it’, but if so, why do we keep coming back to this? If this is a need you have, so be it, but I can’t satisfy it – I just can’t.
Again, she's terrified of failure.
I do love you, but if you can’t be happy with who I am and what I’m willing to do, that is your choice, and I respect it.
She believes she is giving all she can. It may be all she's capable of at this point. She's not telling you she wants a divorce, she's giving you an "out."
She could be acting out a self-fulfilling prophecy. One of her biggest fears may be that you will leave her. Unconsciously she is setting the stage for you to leave her by making the situation so difficult. When you do actually leave, it won't be a shock to her because she actually set it in motion. Just a theory.
I think you need to do some soul searching, and if you can’t be happy in this relationship, then we both need to move on. I am tired of this
Again, she feels she has no more to give (because she has put the weight of the world on her shoulders).
HD, I'm sorry for you, but I'm sorry for her too. She isn't happy. I'll bet she'd love to let go of some of her control. She's just too afraid to do it.
OK, here's a little advice after all. Seeing her as the enemy won't help. It will just exacerbate the situation IMO. Maybe it's my "feeling" 4 personality talking, but I would try to get her talking. Talk, talk, talk. I would avoid talking about the R, but try to get her to open up. Did I read before that she refuses to see a C? That would make sense because of her personality type. Would she talk about her parents more and her feelings about all that? The more she talks the more insight she might get. I know 1s have trouble seeing the error of their ways, but my mother has made strides with this. I don't think it's impossible, but could be a LOT of work.
