Thanks, Lin. I know you're right; I know I messed up. And I know you're been there and understand and that that is why it is so frustrating for you, because you KNOW what I need to do to make this better because you've been there. I realize that, and I want to do better. I don't want to lose any chance that I have because of my impatience...
This morning was a hard morning for me. I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep - took some more of my sleeping pills, but they didn't help. Got up, cried hysterically for about a half hour... Had to take some Xanax to calm me down. Finally got calmed down and got ready and came in to work.
H came by shortly after I got here. I asked him if he had expected when he brought pizza over yesterday that we were supposed to have a "moment." You see, the end of December, he brought pizza to the office for us, and I had dressed in something sexy and lit candles in my office. That is when he told me that he had to get his heart back from the OW before he could do this with me. He told me to keep everything up at the office and that when he told me he was bringing pizza over, I would know what that meant.
Well, I just got to thinking that maybe that is what he wanted yesterday? So I asked, and he said no, but thank you. I also asked if I DID feel like I wanted to be intimate with him if I should wait on that to approach him, and he said yes to that, too. So I simply asked if it was still okay if we went out every now and again or if we should wait on that, too, and he said that it is okay for us to go out sometimes. I asked if he was free for dinner tonight, and he said he's see how busy the day gets. So we'll see if that comes to fruition or not. Believe me, I know I shouldn't have asked any of those things... Go ahead and lay it on me...
I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes - most of the time! To think that I'm still married and running a business with my H but that he is staying/sleeping with another woman! Have I completely lost it? This hurts more than anything in my life I've ever had to endure. Sometimes I just don't know how to cope with it all. I just have to keep thinking that it's going to get easier with time...
I know I have a lot of work to do on myself to learn how to make myself happy. I realize that he is not responsible for my happiness and that that is not fair to put that on him. I guess when you've been with someone for so long you just come to depend on them so much and they bring you so much happiness. When they're not there like that anymore, you feel like you've had the rug pulled out from under you.
I just want him to come back home so very bad so that we can work on this again. I know I need to change a lot of things about me first, but it's so hard to do that when I feel so weak right now... I will get there.
About the parents' trip, I appreciate your thoughts on that. I'll see how things are going the beginning of next week. He hasn't brought it up again, and neither have I. I would love to still go with him if possible, so I don't think I want to just bow out quite yet. We'll see how I feel next week.
As for Vegas, yes, I'll approach that as that gets a bit closer. Who knows where all of this will be by then....
I WANT to be okay on my own, but I don't WANT to be on my own. And I know you know that. I almost feel like that if I let him go now and just work on me that I'm giving up on us, and I know it's just the opposite... Like you've said, what needs to be done to fix this is so counterintuitive, and I'm so weak right now that it's so hard to do what feels like the impossible.
Anyway, thanks again for the advice and encouragement. With all of your help, hopefully I can start making some headway and get out of this horrible fog soon....
