" I feel like calling her up and saying BACK OFF Bit**, but H would probably walk right out my door , so I can't."
Wrong. Of course you can do that. You can also tell H you will not tolerate contact. You simply don't want the consequences. So, it is YOUR CHOICE right now to tolerate the contact. You are not a victim here. You are making the choice to tolerate contact for your own reasons. So, accept it. Or don't and accept the consequences.
But, again, you are all about how you can control H's or OW's behavior. THAT you cannot do, so quit trying.
Get back to identifying your own boundaries. Evidently, you are willing to tolerate contact. What kind? How much? How long? In what context? What will you do if your boundaries are violated?
The point here is to get out victim mode and to instead own your own choices and accpeting the risks and costs that come with making those choices.
