That is interesting, LFL, because my H has said to me that there were times, even early in the marriage, that he didn't feel I really cared about him. My H is a sensitive soul, and he kept his feelings under wraps. And I didn't listen to him, or convey my feelings, in a way that he needed. Fear and insecurity then rule the relationship, and love, faith and trust erodes.
Your H sounds very similar to mine NJ. He WANTS to have an intimate R/M but he just has a hard time figuring our how to get there and maintain it. Me too I guess.
This is all going to sound really strange, but you are going to have to teach your husband manly assertiveness, and it will have to be done in stages.
What I want to help you do first, is to set a distance between your femininity and his masculinity. We want to highlight this difference in order to begin to define his masculinity. This will require commitment on your part, and you will have to eat your pride at times.
Stage 1: Making your husband a gentleman.
In you interactions with your husband, whether it be a relationship talk or a casual conversation, I want you to bring up some requested changes to his behavior. Present the requests as actions that will make you feel more womanly.
1) Ask him to start publicly opening doors for you.
Then the next time you are out together in the car, stay seated and wait for him to come and open the door for you. Teach him to help you out of the car by taking his hand as you exit. When entering the car, wait on him to open the door and help you get seated.
Same rules for all doors at all establishments. If he forgets and moves on ahead of you, stand at the door and wait until he notices you. Wait for him to return and open the door.
2) Ask him to seat you at restaurants.
Stand at the table and wait. Also wait for him to pull your chair back as you get up to leave. Expect him to stand, at least slightly, if you have to excuse yourself to go to the ladies room.
3) Ask him to make choices on restaurants and movies. You can make suggestions, but let him decide.
When you are seated with him at the movies, if it is just the two of you, make sure that you take his arm while seated and anytime you move in or out of the theater, make sure that he is leading and that you are holding on to him.
Your responses to his actions should be to smile softly, and lean GENTLY and very lady like into him whenever you take his arm. Stay silent until he starts a conversation, then let him lead. Don't offer comments about your day until he asks.
For a while, you become June Cleaver.
Are you with me so far, and is this something you think you can do? If so, I will go on to other areas such as sexual interactions.
By the way, I really liked that you cooked him a cake.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
LFL, Relationship work is hard. I know I want the good stuff, but sometimes I just want to ditch the whole thing. I allow myself room for the bad moments, but then I get on track. And usually a bad moment of mine corresponds to a good moment in H's psyche, so we stay okay. But when we're both feeling off, then it's bad news.
Perfect timing Nop. H and I are going out tonight to celebrate his birthday. Dinner and a movie in fact, so it will be a great time to test out your suggestions. I did laugh at some things you suggested because to tell you the truth, H does these things sometimes, but usually only in a joking way. Not that he can't be a gentleman, but you have to understand our R. We have always been "best friends", "equals", that sort of thing. I think he finds the traditional roles as something he and I are "above" or something. I'm probably not explaining this correctly. But I see where you are going. Make him the leader and I should follow. I don't have a problem with that at all (just so you know). I'll try anything at this point! And frankly, I'm sure I would like it. But will he? Does it matter at this point? So ok, tonight we are going to a restaurant and movie he has picked out. I didn't even suggest them, so I accomplished #3 already. Maybe I should say something like "Let's make this a real date." I think he will know what I mean by that and go into more romantic mode, but both of us will have the tendency to laugh through the whole thing. In fact, we do that with sex a lot too. It's kind of goofy and awkward a lot of the time. Most of our "out of the bedroom" interactions are like that too. So to sum up, I think he will be open to doing those things you suggested. It's all going to be in the tone/mood/style of....play acting, for lack of a better term. But I guess we need to start slow.
LFL, My relationship was the exact same way, yet underneath I was craving more of those man-woman interactions. And a funny thing happened ( well not so funny)...I hurt my ankle, and H had to go into " protective mode." It's been icy outside, so he's been coming over, helping me walk, dropping me off, etc. He takes my hand when we walk...it's become second nature. There was a time in my life I really would hsve hated all this; now I find it sexy and comforting. So here's my advice: every time you get that flash of independence, pretend you hurt your ankle, and shift your way of thinking/acting!
Have a nice time tonite! I admire the work you're putting into this. How did he like the cake?
Oh, and here's anothber change ( unrelated to the ankle stuff). Today we had a parent-teacher conference for my son, and H came along. In the past I always handled these things alone. I was at the school a lot and was good at schmoozing with the staff. And when it came to the conferences, there was no need, in my mind, to bother H with any of it; they were MY children ( I had a little of Heather's H in me) and I knew what to say and how to handle things.
Now I tell H in advance if there's a meeting, and he adjusts his schedule. ( In the past he would have grumbled, so kudos to him fo making changes as well). I try to shut up and not monopolize the conversation. I pause to let H give his input. I look at him. Today, he made time to take me out to breakfast as well...super nice!
I was craving more of those man-woman interactions.
Yes, that is how I feel at times. I love my H to death but sometimes I want more than "married best friends." I want some hot lovin! It's no accident I dated the total oppposite of my H while S. All serious, all sex, no humor at all, no talks at all. I would never be able to have that last past the "lust" stage and wouldn't want it to. I don't regret it because I experienced a side of myself that I really never get to experience but I want that with MY H. I'm fully commited now to working on this issue full steam ahead and that feels really good. By the way, the birthday cake was yummy. It wasn't totally from scratch (Duncan Hines) but I had to add eggs and oil and stuff, and beat it, and bake it, so...it's far from store bought. And Nop will yell at me for this but I didn't make the exact cake he likes (white with white frosting) because the kids and I like chocolate frosting. So, it was chocolate frosting and white cake. See! I'm all about the compromise!
Quote: --------------------------------- I'm on the case. ---------------------------------
Outstanding!
On to the sex in Stage 1:
This seems pretty lame at first, but you are going to have to tell him what you like by showing him, then waiting on him to take action.
1) Invite him to be the leader.
Wait on him to initiate. If he doesn't, then put your hand on his leg or kiss him on the neck or some other demure action, then wait again for him to take action. Rinse and repeat until he gets the idea.
2) Invite him to please you.
Instead of what you normally do when it comes time for the actual act, you stretch out on your back and wait. If he looks lost, then pull him down on top of you. If he is still lost, then you take his hand and put it where you want it to be. Again, rinse and repeat until he gets the idea.
3) Give him feedback.
Whenever he "gets it right", then a nice moan or an outright "that feels great" is appropriate. If he is going to lead, then he needs to know how to hit the right spots. Again, rinse and repeat.
Even though it may seem at first that you are in control of the whole encounter, he should eventually get the idea that it is his job to take the lead. Once he is "leading", then there is nothing wrong with you going after what you want from him, just make sure that you don't supplant his newfound position as leader.
Remember, the idea is to create distance between the sexes in order to provide contrast.
How are we doing so far?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Only have 2 seconds to post but I'm giving myself (and my H) an A++++++++++ for last night. Couldn't have gone better and we had the best sex in...forever. More later.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
In fact, we do that with sex a lot too. It's kind of goofy and awkward a lot of the time. Most of our "out of the bedroom" interactions are like that too. 
