I read some of your thread. One of your earlier posts in this thread really hit home with me. You inspire me. You wrote in one of my posts a quote someone gave to you, it was: "YOU are something, YOU mean something, YOU have no equal". Thanks. I hope I can be with my H where you are today someday, sooner than later. Where he is at a place where he can let totally loose of that gf and tell her he does not want to do that to me anymore. Do you think that is possible?
I used to think our love was enough, too and time would also get us through. Not so. I found out the hard way. I know now he was not getting from me what he needed and he went looking for it somewhere else.
This is all new to me, but reading your thread and other's threads has really helped and inspired me to try to be the person i used to be, the one he fell in love with. Not a shell of who I used to be and to not give up. It gives me hope.
I know it's different for everyone, but how long did it take you to feel like he was really "with you" again? And I am trying to do some different and new things to make my H feel special again and spice things up a bit... I am doing the DBusting and some things I know he likes but what are some things you do that really makes your H feel special, or loved?
Where he is at a place where he can let totally loose of that gf and tell her he does not want to do that to me anymore. Do you think that is possible?
Yes I do, but he has to be the one to do it. You can not push him along or say well do this or do that he will take his own pace. ( and yes it feels like an eternity sometimes and you want to slap him up a few times too, but you will take a deep breath swallow your pride and say this to yourself ... IS WHAT I AM ABOUT TO DO GOING TO HELP ME REACH MY GOAL,, IF NOT THEN DO NOT SAY IT OR DO IT.)
HE NEEDS TO HAVE TIME TO WORK ON THIS BUT AT THE SAME TIME DO NOT THINK I AM TELLING YOU TO BE A DOORMAT.
I let my H be,,, had to see that she still blew up his phone for awhile , she still sent pictures of herself to him,, even one with a tattoo she got of his name on her body and in a place that is not visible to everyone! TMI ~ YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And then for some reason when I felt the time was right I said to him " I realize you need time..... But if you are still not sure you want to be with me or her and you are not in this with me then I say you should go be with her. If she does not know you are here and you need to keep her in your life then I can not be a part of this. I thought we were moving together toward a better future but if she is a part of it then I do not want to be too...... and lots more but I cant remember it all.
That very day the calls stopped.
Although b/c she is his younger sisters BFF ( best friend for life!!!) THE OW will always be a part of his in some way or another and she would often say hi to him thru his sister. ( My H had his cell loud one day and sitting next to me and his sister said XXXXXX says to say hi to you ) I wanted to burst out crying and punch him ( and I am not violent at all by nature) but I took the deepest breath I could and let it go.
So I do believe in miracles Cissy.... and most of all I believe in GOD... it seems like you need the strength of a million horses sometimes to get thru this and sometimes the pain seems unbearable .( well at least for me it did and then when I was alone I would cry/sob/scream and pray and vent here)
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I know it's different for everyone, but how long did it take you to feel like he was really "with you" again?
Well honey I wilL be honest with you on that one~ Just recently to be honest
.... and we have been "RECONCILED" since August 1st. Sure the blessing of abother chance made me feel so blessed and Happy but then the harder work began. I have read ( cant rememeber where) that for very year you are married it takes that long for the WAS to feel secure. And it takes alot of consistency and diligence to make your 180s and your changes stick so they believe them. And you do really want to work hard on you so that the changes are real and feel genuine not like a ploy to get them back. My H in late July said he felt like I was acting!!!! Too many 180s I guess or to good to be true? I tried to keep it light was not in the mood for a deep R talk and said "Well honey then I should head to Hollywood,, but actually I am not acting. I have been working very hard and this is how I am now. This has been very hard for me and yet this is who I really am."
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... I am doing the DBusting and some things I know he likes but what are some things you do that really makes your H feel special, or loved?
Have you read the book 5LL ? If not I suggest you read it. It is called the 5 Love Languages and it details how your H's " love tank" is filled and what makes him feel most special. For my H it is Physical Touch and my H was Famished to say the least. I would say for now the best gift is to be positive and happy and keep smiling so that you are a pleasure to be around.
But also I want to mention the most important Thing and I am very serious~
Work on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it may seem absurd but when you are at your best then everything else just seems to fall into place. Just until these last few weeks have I been able to really focus on me and letting go. My told me just a bit ( a couple of weeeks)ago to stop worrying about him and focus on me and that he loved me and CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And here I thought I was "changing" or had " changed". When there is OW involved it seems to take soo much longer to heal. And I am very positve with my H now and when a small doubt comes in I take another d*mn deep breath and know that what I am doing has value and is good and God will help me. And most of all start today to work on you and do little " repair" jobs everyday . Set goals and keep polishing what is already there and strive to be happy and centered.
I am not the best advice giver in the world but please remember that you are soooo valuable and beautiful and "they " are seperate from you and you are above all their BS .......
I hope I have helped you some and I wish you all the best. And keep working towards your Miracle. You can do it.
Well yesterday was very interesting.. to say the least~
I began my day by dropping off my kids at school like always. And then I headed to the Gym with alot of energy. I did my workout amd ran some errands and came home and called my H like I do everyday when I arrive from the Gym. It was already 1:30 pm. I talked to him for @ 10 minutes and let him go and told him I ( AND THE KIDS) would call him @ 5 pm before I took the kids swimming to the YMCA. ( he loves for me to call him alot, I used to feel like I was bugging him or neede to give him space while he was with his family but he needs it to feel secure somehow so now I call alot at least 1-3 times a day) ) So I quick went to visit my nephew,, it was his 1st birthday . He is soooooooooooo super cute. Children are so precious... Then I went to pick up my kids from school. I made them an early dinner and we called my H around 5 pm or so~ His sister answered the phone and said he was outside talking to someone and if I could wait a bit I said sure and I gave the phone to our S7 and then my H started talking to our son... MY H jokingly asked my son if I was seeing any guys... and my 7 year old said "No ,not really Dad." ( Kids are so cute) So then MY H says to him "Well you take care of Mommy and do not let any strangers or MEN talk to her OK?" And my S7 response..." So basically that means all MEN-ok-I got it~!" Is my son adorable or what?
Geez my H is a regular comedian these days. Well he does always try to make us laugh but usually he is far too jealous to joke so lightly about what he did with my son. He IS~ growing up. Thank GOD~
He talked to our daughters, we were all laughing and then he talked to me and told me to think of him while I went to the Gym again and to have a good workout. I told him I always think of him and it helps me to work harder.
I planned on exercising if I had energy ... while the kids swam and played in the kids area. I told him I would call again at 8 or 8:30 when we got home. And he said "OK." He sounded sad so I said " Hey stop being sad and smile~" And I said "You are not smiling dont lie~" ( in a sweet happy voice) And he said " Ok you are right now I am." I dunno how we got on the subject of his Dad but he told me he was not home.... I said " Yes I know sweetie... you are very light and Happy when he is around and when he is not you do not even have to tell me, I can tell right away..."
He didnt disagree...
The kids and I arrived @ 9 pm.... they had a blast. And Yes I did lift weights again and walked for @ 20 minutes too and then went into the Sauna for @ 20 minutes too it was actually very relaxing....
When we arrived I see that my H has called 4 times between 7:45 and 8:30... ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I dial his parents number and ask for him and his sister says he has left for the nite ...he went out and to call tomorrow and I say ok thank you very much..bye~ While I am talking to her my call waiting is clicking and I look and it is MY H!!!!???? I click over and he says "I have been trying to call you."
and I say " Honey~ I was just trying to call you and talking to your sister."
And he says in a cute funny annoyed voice " TALKING TO MY SISTER YEAH SURE I CALLED YOU MANY ,MANY TIMES...."
And then I say LAUGHING " No really I was talking to her we just back from the Y..."
And he says " Yeah suuuuuuuuuuuure the Y .. I believe you.."
he goes on to say in his cute funny annoyed voice still " you jerk, punk a%%,etc etc..." So by now I AM JUST LAUGHING SO HARD.
( HE NORMALLY GETS IRRATE ( TO PUT IT MILDLY) IF I DO NOT ANSWER. SUPER HUGE 180 FOR HIM.. I LOVED IT)
AND I say " here talk to your daughter she will tell you you dork..."
my daughter gets on and says " DADDY, quit being so silly we just got home.."
He says he will call me in a minute. and I say "ok ,hurry up....." I normally never tell him to hurry up. I felt so secure though he made me feel good. I was smiling ear to ear.
He called me back right away and I told him I worked out again and he said he likes to hear that and I made him real happy.... and then he said he was going to play pool and when he left he would call me.. and he ended it with ILY.... Very out of the Norm for him... can anyone decode his Man code and why he was being so awesome?
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt like I was dreaming~ What happenned to my H and where have you hidden him?
He did call @ 12:30 am we were talking for a bit and then I heard a phone ringing in the backround?????? and he hung up on me.. he called me back and I said why did you hang up on me? who was that and he said it was for his cousin ( @ 12:30 am? @ his parents? I am confused...) I did not mention that I thought for an instant he was lying but he could tell in my voice... D*MN! and he said "Why do you like to make me feel bad? " I said "I am not trying too..its just as if the record has been scratched we were having such a nice convo....." he talked to me for awhile and then let me go....
WOW~ is all I can say. Somebody pinch me I surely must be dreaming.. this can not be REAL. No nevermind if this what being Happy and feeling good no great in my M feels like ..
can anyone decode his Man code and why he was being so awesome?
Let me try to help. You are growing, healing, taking care of yourself, moving on with YOUR life, and that is very attractive. He is miles away, and you are NOT under his control. You're going to the gym where men can talk to you, and your not at his fingertips. That makes a man very nervous. You are taking all of the right actions right now in creating intrigue. Well done!
Now a little concern. I can understand how flattering it must be to have him wondering about OM, why you did'nt answer your phone, telling your kid's to keep OM away, etc. Initially cute and funny, but those are control issues, and they will drag you DOWN! They may be funny and cute now, but jealousy and controlling behaivior is not going to take your R where you want it to go. So, I suggest that you nip that in the bud somehow. In a kind and loving way, he needs to know that it hurts you when he does'nt trust you. You don't have to be attila the hun about it, but he needs to know it's immature and it's demeaning to you. He needs to grow up some more in that department, especially after what he's put you through regarding infedelity. He has NO right to accuse you or be jealous, and YOU need to stand up to that or he'll not respect you.
Give him ALL of you, but you should not settle for less than ALL of him in return. Respect, honor, love and support.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
THANK YOU SWEETIE... YOUR WORDS WILL BE TAKEN TO HEART. he does still have aloooooooooooooot of growing up to do huh? Thanks for being a friend you help translate Male behavior so well. I did not grow up with my Dad and I have no real relationship with him, have no male friends and so your insight is a blessing. Thank you so , so much. Love, Ali
I am feeling alot of energy today.. Yesterday I was alot slow and I felt tired. Before I went to bed I took my Lexapro like usual it make me real drowsy. I tried to read 5LL again and I got thru one page barely when my head hit the pillow I must have feel asleep~ I feel so rested today. I love it. For awhile now I had these real bad circles under my eyes and they have all but dissappeared. I cant give all the credit to my wonderful sleep though. I am also eating even healthier than I used to. I also am taking Omega 3 and I guess it helps with so much in your body. Do not know the specifics anymore but I know it does wonders~ I feel very proud of me for doing this for me and for finally "giving " in and taking something to help with my anxiety and depression. I feel so centered , sure there are times when I feel not so great but I get thru them so much better and I do not dwell on them. I hope when hubby gets here I can contiunue to feel this good and just be myself around him. I love him very much and want so much for this to be good... I want our R to get even better and be based on a MUTUAL respect for one another and for him to treat me like I deserve.For him to see the real me and see that I am beautiful and whole and for him to embrace me and grow with me and move forward. I want to be able to be sexy, sensual, hot, loving, caring , funny and a goofball and a dork and silly sometimes too~! Being a Proper Lady all the time does get boring you know.Sometimes it is fun to dance around like noone is watching when I am wearing my Ipod... but I think it would be great if I could do this in front of him and not act like I am shy~ Well I guess I am not acting I am shy but I am growing and that needs to change some. I need to be more free and be myself and just jump in the water ~ Not sit by the edge and say " oh no !!!!! it is too cold can't jump in today maybe tommorow. "
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired of doing that. ..... time to breathe in the air, jump up and down, scream ... LIVE~ God bless....
You sound fantastic! What a great role model you are right now for those who've been beaten down and seem stuck in the mire. You're getting YOUR life in order, taking care of YOU, loving YOU and it feels great.
Just want to have you think and prepare about something. Now it sounds to a certain degree like you're creating some expectations that your H might not be completely aware of. It's OK to expect certain things, as long as your partner knows what those things are and agrees to provide them. Otherwise, might be better to NOT expect them, and then it'll be special if you do get them.
Bottom line is, while you've been getting yourself, "in the mood", you H might just come home and be the "same old guy". Even if you give yourself fully to him, he may not change right away into the man you expect him to. So I just want you to think about the fact that you'll probably have to work at it, coach him a little. Be patient, but be clear about YOUR needs and expectations. It's a time to not be shy, he needs to hear you clearly in simple words, blunt, and clear.
W and I went through the Retrouvaille program a few years back. It helped ME emmensly in communicating and understanding my W. I highly recommend it for you and your H.
God Bless You,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Ali, it's okay not to be perfect, it's okay to not look so great sometimes or to be sad at depressed at moments, or do something completely embarassing. It's our imperfections that help make us unique. And we have to realize those times are going to happen no matter what. Ali, you are wonderfull in so many ways, that entitles you to some normal "character enhancing" imperfections. Keep loving yourself in spite of them and celebrate all the pieces (the good and the bad!) of yourself.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
A million thanks to you my dear as usual~ I feel fantastic too. This is real wonderful. And the sun is shining here ! we do not get much of that around here in the Winter. He most likely will be the same old H. And thats ok. I feel so good and I just want to be able to keep being like this even when he is present,, alot of the time I try to hide who I am and think that he needs me to be subdued all the time. I do not think I want to be that Wife anymore,,, I am still going to be a lady. But I would like for him to see the fun side of me to. I understand what you mean though,, alot of the time even in my deep depression and anxiety, I would get upbeat and he would want to be boring. I am not expecting anything but I gues i do expect him to be Happier and thanks for gently reminding me it is better not to have expectations. I will remember this like everything else you told me and keep it close to my heart. I think that I am trying to do that alot more cause him not saying ILY often sometimes hurts but then when he does say it it feels so special. If only this piecing stuff were EASY!!!!!! It is harder for me than hitting the Gym actually it takes alot of work to grow and to break old habits~ SHEESH~ ( wiping sweat off my brow ) You mean alot to me and I hope you have a great weekend. I feel like if I work hard and he joins me we have the ability to have the best M we can have and if we both work together we can do this. I know we can and I hope he wants to.. he says he has always wanted to make this better.. so we will see.
Whether or not he wants to grow he will have to follow me some and little by little I will get him to. I pray ~
I have just cleaned my whole house and my daughter has a play date today and I am a bit nervous about it but much less than I would have been in the past. I also will be coloring my friends hair today, she called and asked me if I would and I said sure. I met her 11 years ago when I went to Cosmetology ( Beauty ) School.
Off to clean some more and do Taxes FUN~ God bless...
but you will take a deep breath swallow your pride 
and say this to yourself 
... IS WHAT I AM ABOUT TO DO GOING TO HELP ME REACH MY GOAL,, IF NOT THEN DO NOT SAY IT OR DO IT.)
. He is soooooooooooo super cute. Children are so precious...