Latest development. I sent my W an email this morning following a discussion/argument. Here it is, somewhat edited:
Quote:
Dear W, We DO need to talk/communicate more and more effectively with each other. I have always been better at expressing myself in writing, so I was actually heartened to hear that emails would be welcome.
First, I want to say that I do appreciate that you have been more receptive to and more forthcoming with physical affection recently. This is probably my principle "love language" and your hugs and kisses help me feel loved.
About a month ago I told you that I wanted to start making love again, and that, specifically, I wanted to make love with you once a week. This is important to me. Aside from the discussion we had about it that night, and the next day, it seems to me that this has gone unacknowledged. I feel ignored. Disregarded. Inconsequential.
This is me. This is me, telling you how I feel. I feel this way, in part, because it seems like my wants are not important to you.
You're right about me needing to tell you what's going on with me. I do let things build up until they become bigger problems than they need to be. This does nothing but damage to our relationship. It stops here. From now on, whether I say it to your face, tell it to you on the phone, or write it down in email, you are going to hear what's going on with me.
Dang. You're absolutely right. Having said what I just said, I already feel better. I feel hopeful. One of the guys at the meeting last night, in response to the question, "What makes a marriage work?" answered along the lines of "when something bothers me, I'll say to my wife, 'this bothers me....' and then, just by saying that, the problem goes away." His point was that voicing his feelings and being heard, was sometimes all it took. Another guy said, "manage conflict." He talked about resolving the conflicts he and his wife faced.
You are the most important woman in my life. I love you.
Hairdog
This is the response I got:
Quote:
I appreciate sharing this with me. As I said to you, approximately one month ago, I do not think I will ever want to make love on a weekly basis, at least not while we are both working full-time and raising a family, and even after that, there are no guarantees. At least right now, though, I am too stressed and tired much of the time. If I did so simply to satisfy your needs, it wouldn’t be making love, at least not from my perspective. For me, making love is an act that we both do willingly. While I might try things to make myself ‘willing’ more often than I would if left to my own devices, putting some sort of schedule or required number of times to make you feel loved isn’t going to work for me.
Do you remember talking about this? I get frustrated because it seems to me we keep having this same discussion over and over. You say you ‘get it’, but if so, why do we keep coming back to this? If this is a need you have, so be it, but I can’t satisfy it – I just can’t. I do love you, but if you can’t be happy with who I am and what I’m willing to do, that is your choice, and I respect it. I think you need to do some soul searching, and if you can’t be happy in this relationship, then we both need to move on. I am tired of this – Love, MsHdog
Thoughts, advice, commentary appreciated. I'm not sure what I plan to say, but I have a couple thoughts: At least she stayed on point. I appreciate that. I want some clarity on what she's "willing to do." I think it's clear that she is NOT willing to ML once a week.
My feelings are mixed. I'm glad that I "voiced" my feelings/wants. I'm feeling positive that we're communicating about something that is important to me. I'm frustrated and tired when thinking about how difficult and long the road ahead seems.
