Some thoughts about spouses coming here and reading their SO's posts, based on my own sitch...

When I read H's sarcastic/negative posts (and honestly, many of them were) it was tough for me. I had to try to sift through the sarcasm and negativity to get the message behind it. I already mentioned that I had read other posts he'd written on another message board a couple of years earlier, so it wasn't a new experience for me.

I remember reading some of the posts here that were particularly hurtful and then thinking about cards he'd given me over the years. Sentimental fool that I am, I've kept them. I pulled them out and started reading. H is not an overly sentimental guy. Neither is he the type that would give me a card stating anything other than how he truly feels. He just wouldn't BS me in this way. SO, I thought, why would he give me these loving cards and then write about me in a not-so-loving way on the BB? Some of the cards and posts overlapped. I concluded that he must truly love me, must truly feel what the cards said, but is very hurt by the SSM, so he vents on the board.

I didn't make all those connections at first, but I continued lurking. As hurtful as it was to read, I was finding out things that he couldn't tell me. It was as close as I could get to having him talk to me and tell me how he felt. I was so starved for intimacy (yes I was starved too) that I'd take negative "attention" over none at all. I felt, at least he's talking!

I also read responses from other posters that were almost exactly what I'd wanted to say to him! That validated my feelings and gave me the courage to continue lurking.

There came a time when I felt comfortable telling him I'd been lurking. I felt he really needed to try to tell ME how he felt. Talking on the board has its place, but not at the exclusion of talking to the SO. But, because H started posting here and I then read the posts, we are now in a better place in the R, and are starting to talk to each other.