Now Surviving Separation

[HeartScared]

Hello Heartbroken,

I want to offer my support in your situation.

I also wanted to say how appalled I was at how quickly the OW got a D. She sounds like a predator. Telling your husband where to sleep and for you to move on. Is she a control freak? Does she even want a R or just someone to manipulate and control? I bet she already has another man lined up for when your husband dumps her. I do not like scandalous women. She obviously has no class or character. I honestly doubt she even has any REAL feelings. There is just something about her and her husband adding the stipulation no boyfriendSSS around the kids? Sounds like she may have a track record and he finally got tired of her wicked ways so agreed to the D.

I wish you the best. You are inspiring.

[~Sol]

HB,

The only thing I can say, if you really want your M to work, and if you don't want your heart to get stomped on again, is that you must remain detached from your sitch/H. Things are moving slowly for you and in a positive direction. There is still OW in the picture. You H is still vulnerable and probably more confused than you are. So you DON'T want to pressure him.

I am doing the exact same thing as if my W just separated from OM, and I know her mind still wanders about him/what they had, but she is slowly coming around. I made a huge mistake in pursuing - you don't want to do that. You need to continue to give him space, acknowledge the good things, but not get too emotional. It will be hard containing and controlling your emotions. I know. If he says he wants time, give him time. This is going to get harder for you, I'm not going to sugar-coat it. Just take it one day at a time. No assumptions, no expectations.

OK?

[Heartbroken]

Thanks that is just what I need to hear...it hurts to hear it - you are right.

I guess I am just glad he is confirming my thoughts that he is getting closer to me. I do know this is going to take a lot longer - I have the patience and I can hold out. It's just I am in a better place 'cuz I can let a little more hope and faith in.... Baby Steps and day by day just like before!

[lovelyolive]

I said we are far from being fixed and that we will need to go to counseling together and he should probably see someone on his own. He's not sure of why he would be going just yet - to get over her or to fix us...Had a hard time answering this one.

The answer is to work through both.. first the get over ow and then to work on your M. I think it could really help him right now!

HB, I think you are great. You know that you need to guard your feelings. It's ok to feel good about H talking about moving in the right direction. But, at this point it is just that - talk. Remain your awesome supportive, non-judging self and talk will turn into action!

Even with the positives in my sitch, I have to keep reminding myself that OW is STILL in the picture. She has NOT fallen off the face of the earth.. bummer..

I like to think of this as a step-by-step process: 1st - H has to commit to the A being over and not contacting OW; 2nd - H has to grieve his loss (that will be annoying to watch!!); 3rd - only after one and two have occurred can we work on our M.

[KMFLA]

Heartbroken-

It sounds like things are going in the right direction, however be prepared that H may change his mind ( or think he has) as OW pressures him, makes him feel guilty and continues to control many of his emotions. His feelings for OW are real and although it hurts so much for the betrayed partner to hear it, it is a fact. My H had feelings for OW for a long time even after he moved home and their A was on and off for too long. I believe it was because he had real feelings for her but also he felt quilty he was hurting her. I believe he felt guilty he was hurting me too but also believed that we were going to put our lives back together. Very confusing for him. It wasn't until he was truly over OW that we started to work on us. During all that time our life was about surviving not rebuilding. Does this make sense ?? I am not telling you this to discourage you just to make sure you are prepared for the ups and downs. One day my H was talking about moving home the next day he would be totally distant. It was very frustrating. You stay strong, positive, no pressure and continue to take care of yourself during this time because there is nothing we can do to make H get over feelings for OW.

[Heartbroken]

You are so right... and I think he's waiting for her to give up like he wanted me to do. She will start pressuring again he said he knows this but he also said this will only expedite his ending it. We shall see again this will all take time...

The big thing is he says he's very sure he doesn't want to file for D. This is huge at this point...I did not even realize how much he wanted to prior to this. He has a 6 mos lease and he can use that time to figure himself out and we can use this time to work on us too!

[theoden]

Heartbroken,

What do you, a beautiful, sexy, interesting woman, want to do today?

What interesting tasks do you want to put your attention to that will help you find your bliss?

How will you grow in power today?

How can you express love today?

Peace,

Theoden

[KMFLA]

My experience is that these OW do not give up easily. They can be persistant pests!!!

The OW in our life still thinks its ok to contact H to stay in touch.
She calls my H cell phone here and there (he doesnt answer( and the she sent my H an email in January and a week later she sends another one that says... I havent heard from you so I assume you do not want to talk or stay in touch. HELLO !!!!!!!! is she stupid or what.... I know the answer to that. Oh well at least she is making a fool of herself in my H's eyes and without any help from me !

[mcojh]

HB-

On my thread you mentioned your H moved out etc and you made reference to him missing the kids. How much visitation is he getting? If/when my W moves out, she thinks it will be 50/50, if that is the case, will it be enough to impact her? Sorry for the HJ

[Heartbroken]

Sorry this took so long - I have been busy with girls cocktail gab session going until 1:30 this morning.

My husband picks them up from school every day and stays with them for an hour or so until I get home. They do homework and stuff. We have been having family dinner at least once a week either here at our home or this week was his turn at the apt. For the last two weekends he had them Friday eve and Sat - day until 5 ish or so. I have them the rest so less than 50/50 but I think they need to be at home sleeping in there own beds during school nites. H agrees. Actually he would take them more -- all weekend he says - but he wants to avoid the Ow and I said he needs to deal with her and figure out how to let her go or let her down gently...