Here is my 2 cents; I think you should talk to your H about how you feel. The two of you need to compromise and come up with a solution where you both are happy. H can go out without you a little less and include you in his plans a little more. If you don't say anything, the anger and resentment will build up until it bubbles over and you explode.
You are right. I think the crux of everything is communication and just because we get back together with our spouses (even if our marriages weren't horrible), it doesn't mean there aren't the same problems bubbling up.
Somehow my husband and I will need to come to a compromise.
Of course, I was pretty crazed during that first weekend and did some major anti-DB things (left messages on his phone that I shouldn't have). He hasn't gotten them yet because his cell phone is getting no service there.
Oh well....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Oops, are they messages that you regret? If so, do you know how to access his voicemail? Maybe you can retrieve them via your cell phone and he will never know.
Communication is critical but can be messy, you still don't want to sound desperate, controlling or needy so there is a fine line there.
No, I don't think I can retrieve them. At this point all I can do is point out that I left them after going out with friends, being tipsy from a couple of chocolate martinis, and after listening to everyone comment on how they thought he should have invited me to go on the cruise.
I definitely don't sound needy or desperate in them, but probably controlling. I tend to push him away when I'm upset. In one message I gave him his attorney's phone number and said to call him ASAP so we can get a court date!!! You'd think after all that has happened I could just take the time to settle down and calmly deal with the whole thing instead of impatiently overreacting and doing stupid things.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
oh honey, I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I also know about leaving desperate messages in anger.
It seems like when you guys got together you didnt' adress the problems which to begin with tore you both appart. The thing about him not telling you until the day he left, wow, major no no in a piecing R, but again, it seems like it is stuff you guys never resolved.
I am grateful for our great C, which we saw for about 4mths and were able to work on our issues. I keep finding myself reading R books and seeing all my C talked about. Hon, failure to communicate is not the whole reason, it is also HOW you communicate that creates problems. I found an awesome awesome book which described to a T how my R went down hill and how to fix such debacles. I want you to NOW get "why can't you read my mind", in it, you will see the toxic thought patterns in which couples get caught on and why Rs fail when they dont' have to.
I will ask you tomorrow if you've read the book or if you are still marinating in anger about something that you and him should've settled on before it happened again.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Root, don't stress over it. Let it blow over, and you can get back to your original plan. I too get stressed out when things are not going the way I envisioned, but don't lose hope. It was a little slip of the tongue, we all get them. You've been so supportive and helpful in my sitch and I am very grateful for that.
I agree that it should be YOU on that cruise, but considering the company there, you don't belong with them right now.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Having him gone like this for 10 days and no phone contact feels like I'm back in divorce. Actually it's even worse because we at least had contact through the kids during the week. I keep thinking I'm still detached but, I feel like I'm going though some of those "withdrawls" I felt during the divorce (where I physically ache for him). It always amazes me how intense feelings get during separation and divorce.
Cat, thanks for the book recommendation. I'm going to run over to the bookstore when I pick up my son from school today and see if I can get it.
Sol, thanks for the kind words. Sometimes we all need a little shot of optimism. I appreciate your support too.
One of my close girlfriends thinks I need to go on a trip trip with some of my girlfriends just so my husband can understand how it feels. I wouldn't want to do this out of revenge, (honestly, I would always rather take a trip with him than anyone else). But he does lack empathy and it does seem like the only time he "gets" things is when he experiences them. It's like he needs to go through something to understand it. Does this sound like a good idea? Bad idea?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
That's it! That's exactly what you need to do . For yourself. To GAL!!! Make him feel empathy - if he still cares or not.
It amazes me that the WAH's would leave a caring and loving W at home while they have their fun, or if it was the other way around, how they can't get past the hurt and see they have a lovely W waiting for them to come home.
You deserve better Root. But I hope that this will turn out the way it is meant to.
Last edited by sol1696; 03/08/0710:27 PM.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
I just thought I should drop by and give you a heartfelt thank you!
It seems like eons ago that you gave me guidance but really only 5 months ago, how time flies.
My sitch is better because you took time to empower me, I realise I will be here for a long time. I hope and pray you can soon leave this all behind you and start life anew with H.
Once again thanks for being first to step up to help, it's very much appreciated!
You're right, continuing to GAL is important. I've never been on a vacation with a group of friends, that might be a positive experience (even though I know I'd miss my H like crazy).
I think with my husband, one reason he has difficulty with appreciating a spouse is his own father was not the best role model. Evidentally he used to go out on the weekends while my mother-in-law stayed home and watched the kids... and he also had affairs! It's funny, when I first met my husband I thought he had the perfect "Ozzie and Harriet" family. A great example of appearances being deceiving.
Hey Lawless!!!
How nice to see your name!!! I'm glad you're feeling better and that I was able to give you some helpful advice. My gosh! Has it really been 5 months ago??? I've been here this long? I'll have to look for your thread and catch up. I hope your kids are well and that things are a little calmer in your daily life.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
