And 2 years ago i did get involved to help her when he said at the beginning they were just friends and he was helping her and they both made fools out of me. I Hate her now because she pretended to be so sweet and innocent and was backstabbing me all along, too.
When I say "help" her, I don't mean help as an individual, I mean help as your husband's partner. I visualize it as you standing next to him, hand on his arm or his shoulder, and being "one" with him in helping her (or anyone else for that matter). Be SUPER involved. Listen-in and be part of ALL those conversations. And try not to be too "catty." (This is something I always have trouble with when it comes to moral bankruptcy... it's hard for me to hold those cut-downs in!!!).
An interesting book that I read about a year before the divorce (and I think it did help keep some ties together in my marriage) was "Uncoupling." It's a fascinating step-by-step look at how relationships end. Kind of depressing, but I looked at it as what not to do. So each thing it described I would try to do the opposite. I think this book is useful during the piecing stage.
As far as ultimatums, I'd be careful with that. Don't give an ultimatum you aren't going to follow through with. I would really try to stick to the DB techniques and GAL!!!! Read, reread, and keep reading....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
