Thanks so much, Penny. You're so sweet to be reaching out to me and giving me advice when you're going through this ordeal yourself right now as well. You are very strong - thank you.

As you said, it's so easy to read and listen to what you know you need to do; but sometimes it's just not so easy to implement it. Sometimes I backslide, and I know that, and the good thing is that I recognize it and resolve to keep working on doing better. I have to realize my mistakes, forgive myself, learn from them, and resolve to do better the next day. As time goes on, I hope there will be less and less backsliding. When you're heart is so torn up and your brain is out of whack, it's really hard sometimes to find the strength to do what you know you need to do. I can only hope that as the newness of this most recent explosion wears down a bit that this will get easier...

I am going to go back to the gym next week. I haven't been since before our trip. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm also thinking about joining a women's bowling league. H and I have talked about joining a couple's bowling league forever and have just never done it. I asked him about it when we were on our trip, and he said he'd like to do it, but for now I think I'll just look into a women's league and let him know I'm doing it. \:\)

I'm going to get my hair done next week. I have a massage and dinner scheduled with a friend in a few weeks.

Nothing has come up yet on the trip to H's parents' house. I figure I'll wait until maybe Tuesday of next week and then bring it up if he hasn't.

Regarding Vegas, I think I may just go by myself on that trip. I feel like it might do me some good to just get away by myself from H and the business and everyone else and just clear my mind a bit. That way I can cry if I want to sometimes and just be myself without having to worry about always being happy if I don't feel like it. It may be a good time for me to just do some soul-searching. And maybe H will miss me a little bit... We'll see.

I remember last time that it took me a while to want to go out with friends and be more social. Once I did it, I felt much better. I'm in that same situation again now that I just need some time without being around a lot of people. I know that's not the best thing to do, but I just need some space to grieve right now. In time, I know I'll feel better again and want to be around others more. It's so hard because everyone always asks about H, and it tears my heart apart. I just have to sit there and grin and bear it since no one knows what is going on...

Well, tomorrow is a new day, another day towards more strength, courage, and finding ME again... Help keep me strong! Thank you all so much.