As always, thank you to Lin, 1210, and Penny for your wonderful advice and encouragement. It means so much to me.
I messed up bad last night and ended up bawling my brains out to H... It wasn't pretty. However, when he saw my tears, he softened a bit. You see, for some reason whenever we've talked about this in the past, I seem to go numb - no tears - even though I'm a very emotional person (cry at Disney movies...). Last night, I just felt like I wanted to let go and be myself and let him see that I DO care. It was wrong, and I know that. I of course asked him questions about the R to which he gave me hope that we may still be able to work this out, but he probably was just doing that to get me to stop weeping... But it helped, regardless of whether he was telling me the truth.
The great thing that did come out of this was that I asked him as my friend what advice he would give me to have the best chance of getting us back on track. He said "Just be you." Wow... This is EXACTLY what DB'ing is all about and EXACTLY what you all are TELLING ME TO DO!!!! I asked him if that meant that I should stop worrying about this and just be myself, and he said yes. I think he really wants to come back to me, but he needs for me to find myself again and to be the person that he wants to be with - not the depressed, clingy, needy, psycho wife I've been.
I told him that I knew I made mistakes when he came home and that I got scared and was desperate and needy and that that WASN'T the real me and that I hoped he would not judge me for that. He told me not to beat myself up, which was a nice thing for him to say. I told him that I was sorry he had to see me cry but that I wanted him to know that I really DO care. He said he cares, too. I asked him if it was okay if I hold out for a chance for us to make this work, and he said that was okay.
Anyway, I know you're all going to tackle me because I screwed up royally... So bring it on... However, it somehow felt good to just let go around him and show my emotions. I've been so "strong" around him whenever we've talked. It just felt good to be vulnerable, even though I know it was wrong.
I couldn't calm myself down last night, so I just decided to leave him at the office to have some time to himself. I came home and took some sleeping pills and crashed out...
This morning he called me around lunchtime and asked me how my day was going and if I wanted him to bring me some lunch (two days in a row!). That was nice. I wasn't sure how he would act around me today. He brought over some pizza, and he was really pleasant during our lunch conversation. I apologized for my freak show last night, and he said it was okay. I asked him to please don't not come home again based on what happened last time and that I heard what he said he needed from me and that I'm going to work on it. I also asked him if he had given up completely on us, and he said no (again, probably just trying to shut me up). Anyway, I know I shouldn't have asked any more questions today... So now you can tackle me again for that.
Anyway, I feel better tonight. I don't know why. Maybe I just needed to get those things off of my chest. Maybe I feel better just hearing him say that he hasn't given up completely on us (even though that may not be true). Maybe it's because I've now heard from HIM exactly what you guys have been telling me to do and I have that much more reason to work on it and achieve it. Maybe I'm just exhausted...
Oh, I also asked him about the refinances, etc., and he said to just do them, and we'd figure things out later if we needed to. I asked him if we were going to finish up our current project and then see where things were at with us (which should be a few months), and he said yes. So, we'll see. At least I know I have a few months to work on myself and let him see the wife he wants me to be and I want to be.
Lin, I did ask the doctor about the DHEA, and he felt we should look at that later - I was so upset when I was in there that I think he just wanted to deal with the immediate issues. I will pursue that again later. Thank you again for the advice on it.
About the phone calls/messages, you're right. I used to just leave him whatever I needed to tell him on his voicemail. Now I ask him to call me back just so that I can talk to him - you're right, control issue... I will work on that. Thank you for pointing it out.
I will also work on not getting upset if he doesn't say goodbye when he leaves the office. Tonight we were both at the job site at the same time, and I asked him if he was going back to the office, and he said yes, but he never showed up. I need to just stop asking him period what he's doing/going, etc. I know that.
I was thinking today that one of the hardest things about this is I don't remember who the REAL ME even is anymore! I've been so upset for months now that I'm just so lost. I was thinking tonight about how H and I used to interact on a daily basis. How often did we talk? What did we say to each other? And I couldn't remember! How sad is that...
Anyway, I'm going to head off to bed now. Thanks for listening, and don't beat me up too bad! I know I messed up...
because I screwed up royally... So bring it on... 
However, it somehow felt good to just let go around him and show my emotions. I've been so "strong" around him whenever we've talked. It just felt good to be vulnerable, even though I know it was wrong. 
