I know it hurts you so bad, but you are grieving now and it is something that you need to go through. Just let it out and take time to heal. This isn't easy, but you are going to have to have patience.
You won't see any baby steps from him in quite a while...this is going to be based on changing yourself...it will take time. Focus on you and how you are going to change.
In response about your Doctor's suggestion to see the therapist, most definitely. A MC will be beneficial to you both, but your husband won't want to go right now. I would suggest that the focus be placed on you and in overcoming your need to control. You would get so much out of it...because, you, are the one who needs to change...change causes a reaction from anyone and until you work on yourself - there won't be any change.
LOL..it seems like Lin and I are team-tagging you...but she is right...don't change any banking accounts, nor suggest that you divy up the business. Leave everything as it is. There is no reason to mess with all of that, unless you are going to file for divorce. You don't want that....
A couple of things that need attention, in my opinion:
1. Forget about the fact that your husband just "leaves" without saying goodbye...maybe he has thought that those words are too close to how he feels, right now. It's meaningless to even worry over it, let it go. 2. Stop talking about future plans with the company to him. You are, again, fishing for assurance that he will be part of your life - you are trying to control again, but in a slicker way - enough of this...your "HOPE" is inside of you, not him. 3. You need to realize - "There is nothing to can say, do or try, to force him back to you..." other than push him into the OW permanently.
Tam, the only way he will even possibly coming back, will to see you in a different light - independent, happy, going about your business, letting him see that you are stable without him.
If you want him bad enough...your "ONLY" choice is to walk in the opposite direction from him. Any other way is pursuing him and he does not want that. It seems like that is the least of what you want to do, but believe me, THAT is the only thing that works. Now, while walking away...you must change, that will take you a couple of months to do...so don't wait for signs from him that he's taking steps to come back to you...he does not see anything, because you haven't started yet.
Make the appointment with the therapist, it will help you get back on track...the issue is you - not your husband's affair. He left you because he didn't like what you have become. You need to find out what it is that makes you so driven.
You can do this, but it will take time... So, stop and making yourself and get some because you need to be healthy to pull this off...
I hope you don't mind me posting once in awhile with you guys. My situation is so much like 2940 only a little different. You have really helped me. I also fight that obession to call and ask to many questions but I have tried real hard to give my H his space. It is the hardest thing to do but we have to do it. One thing that has helped me is to exercise even if it is just a walk or do pilates at home. It makes you think about something besides just sitting around and thinking about all the negative things that might be happening and might not be happening. If you are like me you wonder what hes doing and usually have a whole story made up in my mind that probably didn't happen. I will also get antsy about him calling and not calling. I have an exercise I try to use when those type of thoughts come into my mind I try to think OK thats enough negative I need to think of something positive (like what am I accomplishing today at work that is helping me) just as an example. I have friends and even my sister-in-laws keep after me to do something for myself. I think in our situation the only thing that we think about is how can we get him back right now.. WE try to force it and in all the books and articles and DBing we are pushing him away. This is really hard to think to let him have his space it goes against all beliefs. You need to do something for yourself. Enjoy your self in Las Vegas and relax alittle.. Take a friend make it fun. I have tried the DBing coaching. It is really great to talk to them. They walk you thru alot. I wish I could have talked to them everyday. Sometimes it is hard to follow the advice and I have like you pushed it to hard when things were getting better (I should have thought PATIENCE) and now I'm starting all over again and wondering now if it will get back to where I had made some progress. (I should have thought PATIENCE) I do believe he was thinking about leaving the other OW and I just couldn't leave it alone. NOw Who knows. Patience is the best advice and the toughest to do.
The one thing to do is start being yourself and enjoying yourself no matter how hard it is. Do things for yourself. Go to lunch with some friends while you are at work. Do something for you!!!! Make your self feel better about you and you will become more attractive to him. My H even said the other day that doing things for me looked attractive on me. Whether it is a smile or wearing yyour hair different or showing that you are more relaxed. When you come out of your office to talk to him take a few deep breaths and say I will be relaxed and then go talk to him in a relaxed way (He will notice the change). Believe me it is tough but just think Mind over matter I am going to do this. I know the hurt and if you are like me you want things better right now and you can't understand what the OW has that I don't have. What does she have thats so much better. She has no baggage to share with him she doesn't have to work and run a business or anything. She can put up a front and be who ever she wants till the real person comes out eventually. We can work on our selves to make us feel better about us because we are good people. I heard this saying once that Think of him leaving for the OW this way "He left for a hamburger when he had a steak at home." We are the steak we are better. You are a good person remember that. One other thing is you can do anythng by yourself. I have done stuff all my life (where i think when I do ask for help it bugs him. we live in the country so you have to do things by your self or he always made me think I had to.) You can get help from friends or even advice how to do it. You will be amazed how good it feels to be able to accomplish something that he always did. You can get your car serviced or the tires rotated. You can call someone to fix the plumbing. Just use your common sense and you will do well.
I guess I have rattled on enough. It has helped me to to write this to you. Hang in there and we are behind you and will support you. Start looking out for yourself. I have to follow my own advice tooo... Get some rest and keep your head up and try to think Positive. Til the next time I think I have to right a book Hang in there!!!!
Feel free to jump in anytime...this is going to be a group effort to get Tam on track and win her husband back.
Exercise, indeed, lets out the stress and anger that we tend to feel in situations like this. It prevents one from doing and saying things that aren't healthy...plus it keeps us fit!!!
As always, thank you to Lin, 1210, and Penny for your wonderful advice and encouragement. It means so much to me.
I messed up bad last night and ended up bawling my brains out to H... It wasn't pretty. However, when he saw my tears, he softened a bit. You see, for some reason whenever we've talked about this in the past, I seem to go numb - no tears - even though I'm a very emotional person (cry at Disney movies...). Last night, I just felt like I wanted to let go and be myself and let him see that I DO care. It was wrong, and I know that. I of course asked him questions about the R to which he gave me hope that we may still be able to work this out, but he probably was just doing that to get me to stop weeping... But it helped, regardless of whether he was telling me the truth.
The great thing that did come out of this was that I asked him as my friend what advice he would give me to have the best chance of getting us back on track. He said "Just be you." Wow... This is EXACTLY what DB'ing is all about and EXACTLY what you all are TELLING ME TO DO!!!! I asked him if that meant that I should stop worrying about this and just be myself, and he said yes. I think he really wants to come back to me, but he needs for me to find myself again and to be the person that he wants to be with - not the depressed, clingy, needy, psycho wife I've been.
I told him that I knew I made mistakes when he came home and that I got scared and was desperate and needy and that that WASN'T the real me and that I hoped he would not judge me for that. He told me not to beat myself up, which was a nice thing for him to say. I told him that I was sorry he had to see me cry but that I wanted him to know that I really DO care. He said he cares, too. I asked him if it was okay if I hold out for a chance for us to make this work, and he said that was okay.
Anyway, I know you're all going to tackle me because I screwed up royally... So bring it on... However, it somehow felt good to just let go around him and show my emotions. I've been so "strong" around him whenever we've talked. It just felt good to be vulnerable, even though I know it was wrong.
I couldn't calm myself down last night, so I just decided to leave him at the office to have some time to himself. I came home and took some sleeping pills and crashed out...
This morning he called me around lunchtime and asked me how my day was going and if I wanted him to bring me some lunch (two days in a row!). That was nice. I wasn't sure how he would act around me today. He brought over some pizza, and he was really pleasant during our lunch conversation. I apologized for my freak show last night, and he said it was okay. I asked him to please don't not come home again based on what happened last time and that I heard what he said he needed from me and that I'm going to work on it. I also asked him if he had given up completely on us, and he said no (again, probably just trying to shut me up). Anyway, I know I shouldn't have asked any more questions today... So now you can tackle me again for that.
Anyway, I feel better tonight. I don't know why. Maybe I just needed to get those things off of my chest. Maybe I feel better just hearing him say that he hasn't given up completely on us (even though that may not be true). Maybe it's because I've now heard from HIM exactly what you guys have been telling me to do and I have that much more reason to work on it and achieve it. Maybe I'm just exhausted...
Oh, I also asked him about the refinances, etc., and he said to just do them, and we'd figure things out later if we needed to. I asked him if we were going to finish up our current project and then see where things were at with us (which should be a few months), and he said yes. So, we'll see. At least I know I have a few months to work on myself and let him see the wife he wants me to be and I want to be.
Lin, I did ask the doctor about the DHEA, and he felt we should look at that later - I was so upset when I was in there that I think he just wanted to deal with the immediate issues. I will pursue that again later. Thank you again for the advice on it.
About the phone calls/messages, you're right. I used to just leave him whatever I needed to tell him on his voicemail. Now I ask him to call me back just so that I can talk to him - you're right, control issue... I will work on that. Thank you for pointing it out.
I will also work on not getting upset if he doesn't say goodbye when he leaves the office. Tonight we were both at the job site at the same time, and I asked him if he was going back to the office, and he said yes, but he never showed up. I need to just stop asking him period what he's doing/going, etc. I know that.
I was thinking today that one of the hardest things about this is I don't remember who the REAL ME even is anymore! I've been so upset for months now that I'm just so lost. I was thinking tonight about how H and I used to interact on a daily basis. How often did we talk? What did we say to each other? And I couldn't remember! How sad is that...
Anyway, I'm going to head off to bed now. Thanks for listening, and don't beat me up too bad! I know I messed up...
As always, you're right on the money. I know I messed up bad last night, and I will get back on the saddle tomorrow. I know I need to work on finding me again and becoming the person he wants to be with. It is only when he is attracted to me again a as a wife and person that he will feel safe to come back home. What I've been doing isn't working, and I've just got to be patient and work on myself and let him see the new me as I work on finding that new me.
I hope as the days go on I will get stronger again - I KNOW I will. I don't have a choice... Thanks for keeping my eye on the prize - MYSELF first, H next. Please keep encouraging me to be strong... I know I can do this.
Thanks so much, Penny. You're so sweet to be reaching out to me and giving me advice when you're going through this ordeal yourself right now as well. You are very strong - thank you.
As you said, it's so easy to read and listen to what you know you need to do; but sometimes it's just not so easy to implement it. Sometimes I backslide, and I know that, and the good thing is that I recognize it and resolve to keep working on doing better. I have to realize my mistakes, forgive myself, learn from them, and resolve to do better the next day. As time goes on, I hope there will be less and less backsliding. When you're heart is so torn up and your brain is out of whack, it's really hard sometimes to find the strength to do what you know you need to do. I can only hope that as the newness of this most recent explosion wears down a bit that this will get easier...
I am going to go back to the gym next week. I haven't been since before our trip. I'm looking forward to it.
I'm also thinking about joining a women's bowling league. H and I have talked about joining a couple's bowling league forever and have just never done it. I asked him about it when we were on our trip, and he said he'd like to do it, but for now I think I'll just look into a women's league and let him know I'm doing it.
I'm going to get my hair done next week. I have a massage and dinner scheduled with a friend in a few weeks.
Nothing has come up yet on the trip to H's parents' house. I figure I'll wait until maybe Tuesday of next week and then bring it up if he hasn't.
Regarding Vegas, I think I may just go by myself on that trip. I feel like it might do me some good to just get away by myself from H and the business and everyone else and just clear my mind a bit. That way I can cry if I want to sometimes and just be myself without having to worry about always being happy if I don't feel like it. It may be a good time for me to just do some soul-searching. And maybe H will miss me a little bit... We'll see.
I remember last time that it took me a while to want to go out with friends and be more social. Once I did it, I felt much better. I'm in that same situation again now that I just need some time without being around a lot of people. I know that's not the best thing to do, but I just need some space to grieve right now. In time, I know I'll feel better again and want to be around others more. It's so hard because everyone always asks about H, and it tears my heart apart. I just have to sit there and grin and bear it since no one knows what is going on...
Well, tomorrow is a new day, another day towards more strength, courage, and finding ME again... Help keep me strong! Thank you all so much.
Okay...you all ready know what I am going to say...yes you boo boo'd big time with the emotional crisis on H....make sure you don't do that again just because he seemed to take things okay this time....believe me those backfired on me big time....H began to think I was using them as emotional blackmail on him...and to create guilt in him even though I wasn't and told him I wasn't...remember their thinking isn't always so clear in this mess either...
I CAN NOT STRESS ENOUGH....STOP ASKING H ABOUT THE FUTURE OF YOU TWO, THE BUSINESS, FOR HOPE....YOU WILL KILL ANY CHANCE YOU HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am serious here...you have to leave this man alone....you MUST absolutley stop QUESTIONING him....he may be passively allowing this....but you don't know what he is thinking...and you could well be adding nails to your coffin....accept what he has told you....write it down...I mean it...write the questions down...his answers....and carry it in your purse...when ever your tempted to ask....get it out and read it....LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!
As for HIS PARENTS TRIP...leave a message for him on his phone when you know he won't answer...or leave him a note on his desk where you KNOW he will see it...just explain that you won't be going on this trip...don't ask if he wants you to go...if he is still going....just state that YOU WON'T be going and to give his parents your regards...then for God's sake don't mention it again....PLEASE!!!!
Vegas...WONDERFUL THAT YOU ARE GOING ALONE!!!!....AGAIN He needs to see you taking care of yourself...just leave a message that you have decided to go to Vegas on your own....the dates you will be gone if he needs to know for business reasons...
PLEASE PLEASE stop bringing up the business with him and if you should dissolve it or not...you might lead him thinking down the wrong path....he has answered you again....write it down and refer back to it...
I think it is GREAT that you are going back to the gym...this will do wonders for you....you need to be unavailable sometimes....try this...next time he calls to ask if you want lunch...tell him thank you but you have some plans...you need to SHOW him that you can be strong...that you won't fall all over self because he calls...that you can be that self assured woman that he felt in love with before....
Really I want you to think how you would feel if you were questioning your feelings for H and all he did was keep questioning you after you answer...and then act depressed and break down and cry to you about how aweful things are and about how bad he is feeling....insinuating the entire time that if you would just come back to him he would be okay...
NO ONE WANTS TO BE TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER'S HAPPINESS...it isn't healthy....it isn't fair!!!!
I want you to know that I am not beating you up....I have been where you are....and I know how very close to the edge you are...and how close you could be pushing your H....some men can snap very quickly and before you can blink it could all be over with NO MORE CHANCES!!!....I don't want that for you...I want for you to find out how wonderful you can be on you own...then you will be the best compliment to a man as a wife....this is what your H is missing...it will take time for you to do this...it will take even longer for him to believe it...and you can't be asking him if he notices...you just have to BE YOU...THE BEST YOU that is possible....
Today is the day to start training yourself....set a goal...and keep it....add another goal each week....maintain, maintain, maintain!!!
Thanks, Lin. I know you're right; I know I messed up. And I know you're been there and understand and that that is why it is so frustrating for you, because you KNOW what I need to do to make this better because you've been there. I realize that, and I want to do better. I don't want to lose any chance that I have because of my impatience...
This morning was a hard morning for me. I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep - took some more of my sleeping pills, but they didn't help. Got up, cried hysterically for about a half hour... Had to take some Xanax to calm me down. Finally got calmed down and got ready and came in to work.
H came by shortly after I got here. I asked him if he had expected when he brought pizza over yesterday that we were supposed to have a "moment." You see, the end of December, he brought pizza to the office for us, and I had dressed in something sexy and lit candles in my office. That is when he told me that he had to get his heart back from the OW before he could do this with me. He told me to keep everything up at the office and that when he told me he was bringing pizza over, I would know what that meant.
Well, I just got to thinking that maybe that is what he wanted yesterday? So I asked, and he said no, but thank you. I also asked if I DID feel like I wanted to be intimate with him if I should wait on that to approach him, and he said yes to that, too. So I simply asked if it was still okay if we went out every now and again or if we should wait on that, too, and he said that it is okay for us to go out sometimes. I asked if he was free for dinner tonight, and he said he's see how busy the day gets. So we'll see if that comes to fruition or not. Believe me, I know I shouldn't have asked any of those things... Go ahead and lay it on me...
I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes - most of the time! To think that I'm still married and running a business with my H but that he is staying/sleeping with another woman! Have I completely lost it? This hurts more than anything in my life I've ever had to endure. Sometimes I just don't know how to cope with it all. I just have to keep thinking that it's going to get easier with time...
I know I have a lot of work to do on myself to learn how to make myself happy. I realize that he is not responsible for my happiness and that that is not fair to put that on him. I guess when you've been with someone for so long you just come to depend on them so much and they bring you so much happiness. When they're not there like that anymore, you feel like you've had the rug pulled out from under you.
I just want him to come back home so very bad so that we can work on this again. I know I need to change a lot of things about me first, but it's so hard to do that when I feel so weak right now... I will get there.
About the parents' trip, I appreciate your thoughts on that. I'll see how things are going the beginning of next week. He hasn't brought it up again, and neither have I. I would love to still go with him if possible, so I don't think I want to just bow out quite yet. We'll see how I feel next week.
As for Vegas, yes, I'll approach that as that gets a bit closer. Who knows where all of this will be by then....
I WANT to be okay on my own, but I don't WANT to be on my own. And I know you know that. I almost feel like that if I let him go now and just work on me that I'm giving up on us, and I know it's just the opposite... Like you've said, what needs to be done to fix this is so counterintuitive, and I'm so weak right now that it's so hard to do what feels like the impossible.
Anyway, thanks again for the advice and encouragement. With all of your help, hopefully I can start making some headway and get out of this horrible fog soon....
I just want him to come back home so very bad so that we can work on this again. I know I need to change a lot of things about me first....
NO YOU DON'T....you saw what happened the last time he came home and you went on vacation...it all fell apart because 1) he wasn't ready and 2) VERY IMPORTANT...YOU weren't ready either....
You can't fix what is wrong in you with him...and vice versa...
PLEASE reconsider parents trip...I do think...know I KNOW this a big mistake...it is too soon...you are likely just to push him over the edge...I don't care what he says....if you bow out with best regards to parents you look like a winner...if you ask...and you want to go with him...you look pathetic and weak which is what he is trying to avoid right now...
As for mentioning the "pizza moment"....HUGE NO NO...you can not be talking to him about these things...this again makes you look clingy, needy, and pathetic....NOT WHAT YOU WANT...you don't want him to feel sorry for you....you WANT HIM TO LOVE YOU!!!!
1210...help me out here....am I all wet or do you see some HUGE DANGER flags going off!!!!
I can't stress this enough...BACK OFF!!!!!!
Yes, so far things haven't exploded...and you keep pushing the envelope....you have me worried now....I won't be able to support you and make you feel better if you actually go too far and loose him like this....no one will...you will be so devesated for not listening I am not sure even Xanax will work....
I know I came so very close to doing just what you are....and my H has told me that if I wouldn't have stopped when I did...and if I wouldn't have put the focus on making my own personal changes and taking control of my own life...he wouldn't be any where near here now....
And remember just 9 days ago I heard my first "I love you" in 2 1/2 years!!!!
YOU WANT THAT!!!!....PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE....THINK THINK THINK!!!
Thanks, Lin. I know you and 1210 and Penny are right. I have just got to pull myself together.
You're right; I will NEVER forgive myself if I lose him permanently because I messed this up... I DO need your support and guidance and expertise - I know you and 1210 have been through this and know what I need to do. Somehow I've just got to find a way to get myself stronger... Please help me!
I just called a couple more therapists that I got numbers for. One of them uses the John Gottman method, but he is familiar with Michele's work as well. He said that though Michele claims a great deal of success with her work that there is not a lot of research yet to back that up, and that his approach would be more the Gottman method.
When I advised him very briefly what I was dealing with, he said there are typically two approaches: 1) kill them with kindness and be supportive and loving or 2) tough love - basically tell them that you want to stay married to them and work through things but that you can't do that if they're having an A and that they need to choose... Well, I can't do either of those things right now. Kindness didn't work, and if I give him an ultimatum right now, it will not be the answer that I want. I explained that to him and that Michele's approach is to not give up until I decide it's time, and he replied with the best thing to do is to work on yourself for now, so that was good. Anyway, I didn't get the BEST feeling from him, but I don't know... I called a left a message with another couples therapist, too. I'll let you know what she says.
I'm now getting ready to call to ask about DB coaching. I'll write more in a minute to tell you how that goes. I know I need to get some help, guys. And you are helping me so much. Please help to support me and keep me from messing up!
So, here is my goal that I am setting for this week (good through next Friday): Absolutely no talk whatsoever about R or OW - period! (unless H brings it up)
Next week, as Lin suggested, I will add another goal.
Please don't give up on me! I don't want to lose my marriage - I really don't...
and making yourself 
and get some 