That concept (being better for both of us to live separately) scared the heck out of me. I had to give up that “US” mental picture and realize there is an “us“, a “me” and a “her“ that can survive in either state.
I just got to the point of thinking WTF, why bother. I could have told BB bye, said have a nice life with out feeling like I was dumping her, being mean to her, or resenting her for not doing more for the R or me.
You know, everyone gets to this point sooner or later. Not the part about leaving but the part about detachment. Once you get there then the only needs you have to focus on are your own. The enmeshment finally ends and you can make the rational choices you need to make for your sake. That is putting yourself first. That is putting Dieda into play. That allows you to see no other alternative than to focus on your purpose. So what happened next?
… her typical reconnect genes kicked in. Now she wants me to be in control more and asks why I don’t touch her as much and wants more physical contact.
In other words, she notice you refocusing on your purpose, not hers. She felt you walking off without her and she wants to be a part of you. Do you see this Lou: her typical reconnect genes kicked in. You need to allow her to be her and stop trying to make her act as you think she should act. When you try to tell her how she should act, you short circuit her “reconnect genes.” Maybe Corri’s advice is appropriate here, that you only need to get out of the way of yourself?
I know BB wants to stay together.
So let her express that in her way.
I have to figure out what part of her talk is bluff, what are princess wishes, and how I have to rid myself of some PMS and peace maker traits, I have that don't serve the R well. Some of the church C/literature falls in that area, working towards reducing my PMS.
No, No, No. Stop reading her, trying to figure out what she wants, where she stands, etc. In all the years you have been married, have you been able to figure it out yet? When you ask her this question, has she been able to answer you? How much longer do you think either of you need in order to figure this out? Talk about a cheeseless tunnel!
This last quote is falling right back into enmeshment mode. You have seen repeatedly that if you detach and go on with your life, BB will follow. She will become nice, she will try to please you, she will have sex, all the things you say you want. But then you re-enmesh and it all stops. Why would you do something to undermine that which you have been working so hard to achieve?
There is a pattern here Lou. It is so clear to so many of us. Do you re-enmesh with BB to make her feel better or to make you feel better?
That concept (being better for both of us to live separately) scared the heck out of me.
Hasn’t this been the heart of your marriage problems all these years? Hasn’t it really been about you and not BB? Stop wasting your time on all that alternative relationship advice. Stop trying to find something that you can pin down as the problem between you and BB. Stop the master deflections. No matter what the approach or the theory, the answer will always come back to the same thing - you must confront your yourself and your fears of being alone. I think you are more than ready to lead, you just don't realize it. I also think BB is more than ready to follow you.
