Now Surviving Separation

[Heartbroken]

Well this was my night - some journalin' to do and some help needed.

H had dinner for the family tonight at his apt. Today I left a voice mail saying I wanted to talk about last night. He left me an email stating the things he was saying last night (the he was going to fix this and blah blah blah...he got real emotional again...) were real and genuine and that he was being honest with me. The thing is I new the Ow was coming over to the apt 1) her ex has the boys on Wed eve 2) her ex left me a voice mail asking how I was doing and to call if I needed to talk - when I explicitly asked him not to call/email only 2 weeks ago (to stay out of the drama). So I knew last night they were together which is what this apt is all about so he can really see her and what she is...

So today I wanted to ask him if all the getting choked up was an act and why??? Well we had a HUGE talk tonight! And I know I need to slow it down but basically he said he finally realized he does not want to file for D!!!! H misses me, the games we play (teasing and inside jokes from 20 yrs together) the kids, the house, basically the whole package. He just wants some time to clean out the shit of a mess he has created and I do not think he is playing me. We laid together on his 'twin' bed and he just held me the first time in a long time where he did it for him and NOT for me!!! This is HUGE!!!!!

H said he may want some time alone too after he lets her go and I thought that would be go for him. I said we are far from being fixed and that we will need to go to counseling together and he should probably see someone on his own. He's not sure of why he would be going just yet - to get over her or to fix us...Had a hard time answering this one.

In the end he said he said to much to soon and I felt I did too - I do not want to scare him off with the force of my emotions!!!!

I am scared shitless right now because I am opening my heart more fully and I don't want to get burned again. He said we need to be friends first and to continue to take baby steps and to stay in the PM. He has read the DB book too (last summer).

How do I proceed from here? It seems some of the pressure is off but yet I know I need to DB even mores so than ever. I need to slow it WAY down and what else? Please my friends help me get this right - I have come so far and it scares me he's only been out of the house not even two weeks...

I need your advice more than ever! I will be back on Friday 8 AM - at least I know I will sleep tonight! Thanks for all your help!!

HB - it may be on the mend?????