A spouse will never meet all of your needs. He saw nothing wrong with flirting...he felt that it was very healthy. He didn't even see anything wrong with a woman 'loving' another man, whom was not her spouse. Afterall, we have the capacity to love more than one child... more than one person.
However. The only way to do all of the above is to be very CLEAR and CERTAIN of your boundaries, to have radical honesty with your spouse, to RESPECT and ACKNOWLEDGE that the spouse may feel threatened, in some form or fashion, and to KNOW YOUR OWN LIMITS.
I asked him if that was playing with fire.
He said, 'absolutely, if you don't know Who You Are and What You Stand For.
I think there are many times in life we will cross paths with members of the opposite sex, with whom we develop a special bond or affiliation.
I developed a crush on my boss once. I would flirt with him, and he'd flirt back. It was agony. But it was MY problem. I respected him, respected my M (at the time), respected his wife... there was NOTHING good that would have come out of acting on those impulses. I was SOLIDLY aware of that.
I had an EA with a man a long time ago that I met on the internet. I went so far as to meet him. NOTHING happened. It came to light and hurt my H deeply. Not because of the friendship, per se, but because my H was not comfortable with it. My H knew all about the guy... but I let the friendship interfere with my R with my H. I let it get out of hand. What became damaging was not the frienship in and of itself. It was because I allowed it to minimize my M.
I have a male friend right now, who I used to work with... and we have a TON in common. I love him dearly. I know his wife. Once a month, he and a few friends of mine will get together for drinks. We've talked about some very deep stuff, and he was SOOO there for me during my D. But we both are very aware of the boundary. We've had private convos that I know he has not shared with his W, but if he did, I may be embarrassed, but far better for me to be embarrassed than for it to cause him a problem in his M. We both know that and respect it. Anything I EVER say to him is open material for his W. I like her a lot, too. But even if I didn't... it'd still be the same agreement, or I could not be friends with him.
I have another guy friend right now whom I adore beyond reason. But we've agreed to be friends. I've even had a crush on him. I told him that and told him...'okay, I'm feeling this way...just FYI...' and because of our respect for one another, he does nothing to fan those flames. He could, probably, but if he did, I think it would crush me... for I would have misread him.
I agree with NJ... where EAs can get out of hand is when it turns into a crush. For then, you are dealing with the physical chemical rushes... and if you let it get out of hand, you are just asking for trouble.
Far better to take a step back from the frienship until you can get the 'chemicals' under control, than to pursue it to the next level.
