i've been here for a while, mostly only on the "We're Separated" board. my H and i have been separated on and off for over a year now. will give all of the details later, but i basically pushed him out of my life and then when i decided to try and reconcile, he was already seeing someone. well, H and i have also had a physical relationship ever since mid december when i began the reconciliation process. so he is having cake and eating it too in a big way. is anyone else out there experiencing this, and how are you handling it? my DB coach says that i ought not put too much emphasis on his R with OW, and that if i can handle it, that the physical part is a good thing. i don't know.
kiki, I'm in the same boat as you with a caker eater! It drives me crazy sometimes but I am agreeing with your DB coach. It feels right for MY sitch and it seems to be resulting in some big positives. PLUS, it's a connection with my H. I think many people have differing opinions on this topic but you have to do what you feel is right for you.
THANK GOD. most everyone i know thinks i am completely out of my mind. in my marriage, sex, or lack there of was a HUGE issue. i've had to overcome some big issues, and have discovered my sexuality. it's wonderful to share that with him, but hard to not feel used. how are you doing it?
I went through this with my husband during our divorce, and interestingly a good friend of mine (a very strong Christian) who was separated from her husband had a similar situation. Sometimes the sexual connection can be very strong. There's some good information about it on this website... I'm not sure where it is, but it mentions sex sometimes pulling a marriage back together.
The one thing I will admit, it was very difficult at times. There were times I felt "used." The way I dealt with this was by working VERY hard at detaching, and keeping in mind that until the divorce was final, I was legally married. He was still my husband!!! People have sex with their spouses. Actually, the crazy ones are those having sex with someone else's spouse!!! Now that's really being "used"!!!!
Glad to hear you've discovered your sexuality!!!! For some couples things can get very heated during separation and divorce. In trying to save a marriage it's okay to use whatever advantages you can. Just try to protect yourself by emotionally detaching.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Iam so glad that i am not alone here. it has always felt to me that this is our one tie, espcially since we live in different towns. the sex has been better since our separation than it was the whole time we were married, so i think it's a good thing. going to see my H tomorrow, and will be shaving my legs in preparation ;-)
it's the detatching part that is hard. after we are intimate, i go through a period of feeling elated, and then i crash. any advice?
Congrads to you guys. No sex in my sitch. I am the emotional support and OW is physical support. Frustrating!!!! Of course she is 12 years younger than him.
I understand that elation and crashing. My guess is some of that is horoonal. I believe orgasm releases oxytocin in females which creates trusting and loving feelings (a good reason why it's mentally unhealthy for women to have emotionless "hook ups").
About the only way to deal with this is expect it and get used to it. Unfortunately, I don't know of any other way.... I just know it's very difficult. Try to use the physical intimacy as a chance to try and get some friendship going as well. Be an amazing listener, ask lots of non-personal questions and let husband talk as much as possible. Don't expect anything and sadly, don't expect this will save your marriage. The only way to really protect yourself is to have no expectations whatsoever. And in the meantime PMA!!!!
I know what I'm telling you to do is not always possible, but just do your best. In some ways this requires a bit of "acting." But also, the more you practice something the more you become it.
By the way, don't just shave your legs make sure you have some AMAZING undergarments too! May as well make the most of this and have fun.
Unfortunately, I am going through a similar situation. Short story, Him cheating, me kicking him out. He comes back, him cheating, me kicking him out. Seperated while he was living with her (that's a killer) He comes back and he was supposed to end it. 2 days after he's back, he says he must keep contact with her or he will go back to her. So far they have talked on the phone every day. I am having soooooo much trouble with this, never gets any easier. Alot of people hate him and think i'm nuts for being his "doormat".
I have never tried the DBusting techniques which I have just started. I think some of the techniques got him to come home, but now I have to get rid of OW. I hate her, and I am not usually like that. She is something else, but that could be a story in itself - read my threads) yes, I feel like he is having his cake and eating it, too. Not fair. For 2 years now and this is his second affair that I know of. I am hoping the techniques in the book Divorce Remedy work as in which to slowly ween him off of her farther and farther away and closer and closer to me. I figure I will give it a try. I have tried everything else to no avail. I am not perfect either, I have made mistakes, too, but I would have never done this to him.
I thought I had it almost whipped this last time. He agreed to end it with her, no such luck. It has eaten me up inside so much in the past 2 years I started turning into one of those lost "emty shell people". Depressed, Angry, Bitter, Hateful. I did not like myself like this at all. I found the book and a lot of it makes sense as much as it hurts. Have you red it yet?
I still don't trust him, if they are talking on the phone, it will lead to other things, and she has got him wrapped around her dirty slutty user of a finger.
I am on a couple of the boards, my life bounces around so much it is it's own "epic"! I am still angry at my H for causing so much pain in not just the immediate family with myself and our children, but it spreads out to the other family and our work as well.
I saw a shooting star tonight when i went to pick up my son from work. wished on it right away - but i will keep that one a secret. you never know, it may come true.
Keep posting. It does help to vent here and not on your H. Here you will not feel alone, either. There are alot of people that are going through what you are I am very sad to say. Read alot, that helps me, too.
I have to agree with rapsnider. I am also the emotional partner and business partner and she is the physical partner too. I really miss that part. I wish we could get back to the physical part it has been 2 months. All of the sudden he decides that she is the physical part.
kiki, I try to look at it the exact same way ROOT described. He is MY H. Not the OW's. She has NO right to him but I do.. Also, the lack of ML was a HUGE problem in my marriage as well. What caused it?? Hopefully, we'll get to work on that some day in MC. In the meantime, I now know how important ML is to my H and it seems like every day we grow closer. I am certain that part of the reason is because of the fantastic sex life we are now experiencing.
I also got some great advice from ROOT. Make yourself as attractive as you can. Buy some great lingerie. Flirt a little bit. Boost your confidence by being the hottest woman he knows!!!
As for feeling used - enjoy it yourself; maybe you are "using" him for your pleasure - ha!
