Discussion on MrsCAC4 thread - Making assumptions

[haphazard]

This thread has been taking some interesting twists and turns. I'll jump back in here now I've had a chance to catch back up.


Fearless said:
Shame is one of my xH's issues and his parent's definitely did not shame him. This is why it is so hard for him to feel badly. The feeling of doing something "wrong" quickly turns into shame which is a horrible emotion. No wonder he deflected on me, huh?
This is exactly the point I was making about my s7, he is hardwired to feel shame more intensly than average (as is H). Thanks for the comments Cobra about my interactions with him. He knows I love him and hate the behaviour (when it's bad). I tell him I love him plenty and I also validate the good stuff he does. When he is feeling that intense shame and hates me for making him feel that way, what I am trying to do is get him to come through the other side of that. To feel it, own it, and bounce back. And to learn that that is possible and that, although the shame is intense and painful, it is possible to survive it. I also think he is at a crucial age to learn these lessons. On Cobra's point about face-saving - I intentionally leave him to stew on his own for a time (say 10 mins) so he does have a place to hide for a while - I ask him to talk to God about it which is a way of working through the issue in private - rather than make him apologise I get him to think of something he can do to make up for it. I prefer this method because I think it makes the person feel better than just apologising. This is not something that goes on week in week out in our house, just something that comes up now and again. The times it has worked successfully by the end of it he and I have a big cuddle so I know that he is feeling comforted and comfortable again.

Interestingly an almost opposite interaction happened when my H was dealing with a piece of bad behaviour from him because H (being someone who feels shame to the same intensity) tried to protect him from his own feelings, and S7 ended up feeling angry and in a bad mood for another hour or so EVEN THOUGH HE HAD "WON".

Cobra, I am also interested in what you say about the tension in the house. I am sure he does feel it and it will affect him I've no doubt.



Fearless:
Nop said
Obviously, your husband really impacted your self esteem during your marriage. I think that is very true and I thought it as I was reading through before I got to Nop's comment. Your xH has most likely "trained" you into couching everything in conciliatory terms because your more natural straight talking would have felt too shaming for him and he would have made that your fault.


Fearless said:

OOOOOH but what about this. What if xH was actually TAKING my control of MYSELF away from me? WHAT IF I was used to being able to state my feelings and feeling that sense of control over my feelings and my xH "robbed" me of that? Not that I needed validation of the feeling but remember he didn't passively "withhold" validation which would have still left me with the feeling. NO he told me that I SHOULD NOT feel that way. This was foreign and confusing for me as someone used to owning her feelings.


Exactly. There is a level of jealousy there. You are in control of yourself and he has been envious of that, he has spitefully done everything he can to tear you down and rob you of it. Why should you have that if he can't. Dragging you down to his level. Again it is that shame, your superiority in managing your feelings makes him feel inferior and thus ashamed. So he deflects the pain on to you again.

This isn't everything I would have liked to comment on on this thread, just a few nuggets... but I've got a life to lead

Fran