I Survived! (For Julio)

[RedUmbrella]

Jack,

I struggle with a lot of things. And it varies day to day, depending on what has happened at work, at home or out and about.

One thing I struggle with daily is not being the same old boring wife I used to be. I try to maintain a bit of excitment in our R. And sometimes it's hard to come up with ideas that don't seem silly or off the wall. Plus, I'm way more sentimental that he is.

I also struggle with certain dates through out the year. i.e. bomb drop date. The holidays were especially hard for me this past year. Mainly because of what happened the previous year. I did my best to put on a happy face and cried in the bathroom alone.

Another thing that is really difficult is the whole trust thing. I mean I want to trust him whole heartedly, and want to be able to leave the house when he is home alone and not worry. His new position has him home all day on Wednesdays and half days on Tuesdays. Yes, on Wednesdays he's got S3....but he does take a nap. I know I've got to give him the trust he needs but some days are harder than others.

I guess with the trust thing is I don't want to feel vulnerable again. And I know that is impossible when you are choosing to love someone unconditionally. I'm still breaking that wall down we discussed some time ago. He knows that I don't trust him entirely and has told me that. I also call him on stuff that I don't like.

For example, do you remember his friend that said some pretty bad things to me awhile ago? And H never bothered standing up for me? Well, seems things have changed with that. H told me that he and Friend were going to the bar and I told him no he can't. He obviously asked me why and I told him. Your friend said you guys go to bars to hit on women. H said no way that's not why we go. I said well he said it, and he also said some nasty things to me.

Soooooo the other night H told his friend that he's an idiot for saying what he did. And that now he caused me not to trust him. Of course friend denied it all, said he didn't remember. He was too drunk, etc. WHATEVER! The thing is, H was surprised that I actually said something, instead of bitching about something else. And he was supposed to read my mind, etc.

Now, the biggest thing that I struggle with is the anger. You have no idea how angry I get sometimes. I get these thoughts of what did I do to deserve this? Or what would have happened if I told him to get lost when he finally came clean? Then I get so flipping angry I want to punch something. I want to scream and yell. Mainly I end up in tears. But, some days I want to tell him off. I don't, but I want to. I haven't decided if I need to see a C about this or not. I usually end up channeling that anger into exercising.

I don't know if that has helped or not. I guess I feel like I've just talked in circles.

Does that help...anything else you need, just holler.

P and S