I have to say, I love reading the things you write, b/c in many ways you are very similar to my H. Similar childhood (father/mother that you once described), and even the pattern of your MLC (many OP, which I feel is not as common...just running to fix the pain and seek happiness).
Also, much of what you write, about childhood issues, is at the core for my H. The feeling of FEAR and LOVE. My H truly, so he says at times, does not feel worthy. Fears rejection desperately. He's probably one of the few MLCers here who has listened to me rip him apart (recently) for hours, and admitted to all of it and felt so terribly. When I did not do that, he asked me for it "do you want to tell me what I did wrong." Almost wanting to be reprimanded.
I ABSOLUTELY agree that MLC is a manifestation of issues that existed that come out during the transition period. And just because MLC behaviors are over, does not mean all is well. The core issues need to be faced and resolved. I have heard my H recount his issues (self esteem, self hate, jealousy) and address his childhood issues.
I have been guilty, in my own pain and anger, recently of making him feel guilty and ashamed. I pushed that on him. I'm human too, and have been through a lot. I do vary in opinion that MLC behavior is simply a difference in perception. There are "norms" in life/culture. When agreeing to M, youagree to those set of norms. It's a set of perceptions that you both agree on. Do people stray, make mistakes, grow? yes. I did too.
But, I would suspect that part of the anger/pushing away from the MLCer during MLC is because they themselves cannot reconcile that their behavior is simply a different perception. Or else they would act more comfortably with it. My H had a LOT of guilt through his MLC, long before I found about OW, and even when I did, I was silent about it. He cried so many times, felt suicidal, and I had no idea why. I suspect it was because he was going against his own values and core. Necessary, yes, obviously since it was so painful and he still did it.
Was it painful for me? Yes. It still is. I also think part of "growth" from MLC that you have so beautifully gone through and we all HOPE our spouses do, is from coming out and facing what has happened to your life. To still stand strong and come out of that, to face it, forgive yourself, grow from the lesson.
My brother went through his own QLC. He said the hardest yet most powerful part of the whole experience was coming out. Climbing out of the hole. Sitting before others and explaining, facing and growing from that to be a strong person and love yourself.
So, while I think forgiveness and compassion are important, I also think that the MLCer not facing the pain they caused is not beneficial either. I think it's part of "sweeping under the rug" that feeds into the avoidance and not facing the issues that caused the MLC to begin with. When you are faced with destruction, you are forced to ask "why did this happen to begin with....I was not the type of person to destroy my life I worked so hard to build."
Sure, maybe the MLCer has a different perception of life during the crisis time...I agree with that. It's not the perception of M they originally had, though. I know for a fact that my H surprised himself, he did not have a vision of M that he does now, it changed during his MLC, but not comfortably. But, coming out of MLC, they face that though they had a different perception, they did let down another person's perception...a person who counted on the perception they originally promised.
Keep writing, Paul. Your words ring so true. They help me process. And , believe it or not, they help me come back down to earth in understanding my H...as much as I can.
