Huband just moved in with OW

[TabD]

Wow,
I just read thru this whole thread for the 1st time. and all I can say is WOW!!! I thought I had it bad, but it seems that maybe yet the worst is yet to come.

My H is still at home with us and doesn't know when he is moving out. H mentioned that once a court sitch is done with his mother and her sueing us for joint custody of our D's that he will leave... but who knows. Things have seemed to have changed in the last month...

H was so stand offish, really worried me about there being OW. but I have snooped and maybe I shouldn't have... but I couldn't find anything. so maybe there is OW out there , but H has been home 6 out of 7 nights a week and H has started talking to me again and snuggling up with me. I am taking it 1 day at a time and envy all of you who have GAL!!!!

It is so hard. I just started a belly dancing class and BOY OH BOY, was that a riot!!!

Good luck to all... and I will keep reading.

[Danu]

My H. wanted to continue sleeping together, hugging ,kissing, all that stuff, and I told him that it was giving me false hope, so unless he wanted to work things out he had to stop it! I don't regret that decision. In fact, there's not much that I do regret in this situation. I tried to do everything right, he needed space, and I gave it to him. I was also available any time he wanted to be with me. Some would say I was a sucker and let him have his cake and eat it too. Maybe that's true, but like you, I took it one day at a time. I figured that this was the best way to show him that I have unconditional love for him. If chooses to throw it away, it's his loss. I doubt he'll ever find anyone else who feels this way about him. Certainly not the OW. She doesn't have the capacity for unconditional love, because she's just as messed up as my H.

Most of my friends said he'd never leave. SURPRISE! But, it's easier on me with him gone. No more cell phone buzzing with a call from the OW. No more walking on egg shells. He wants this new life, and now he's got it!

Now, my friends are taking bets on how soon he'll be back. And, they're telling me to prepare myself. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, if and when it happens.

If/when he files for a D. I will look at it like some on this group do. It will be a piece of paper only, and I will continue to stand for him as long as I can. I have faith that something good is out there for me. If it's with him, great! If not, I also have faith that there is some wonderful man out there, and when I'm emotionally whole again I will find him.

Hang in there TabD. Taking it one day at a time is the only way to get through this and know in your heart that you've done all you could!

Danu

[TabD]

Danu,
Wow I am so envious of you... You sound like you have all of your ducks in a row. Understandably it probably hurts, but boy are you wise.

I sure thought I was a strong person, but when something like this is thrown at you, you really see how strong you are! And boy are you STRONG!!! If only I had 1/2 of your strength, I think I could go places.

You're right if he does file for a D, it IS only a piece of paper. It mean it has to be over.

I know I am trying... All i can do now is put this in God's hands and let him lead me to where I need to go. I have 2 beatuiful D's and nothing will EVER take that away from me! I have those girls to thank for helping me make it this far!!!

thanks again.

Keep pushing on! I can only handle as much as God will let me :o)

[Danu]

Oh, I don't feel strong most of the time. I'm just having a good day today! This situation is out of our control, and it took me a long time to understand that. All that we can do is try to do our best, and I think the people on this board are doing just that.

TabD, YOU ARE STRONG too! You can do this. You have what it takes to hang in there. It's a slow painful path we're on, and we need to remember that we have each other on this board. We are not alone, this is happening to alot of people, and we're all choosing to TRY! It doesn't get any better than that.

Thank you for your kind words.

Danu

[TabD]

Every good day is a day to become stronger, right? I guess I have not fully comprehended that it is "completly out of my control" Maybe someday I will understand that.

Thanks for the support, somedays I am stronger than others... LIKE today... it is a GREAT day. I spent time with my Wonderful D's last night and then took a HOT bath, H was at work... I was asleep before he even got home... Usually I would have been 1/2 asleep and waiting... but not last night... I was out... H woke me when he got home, he wanted to chat about his day... I kind of listened but I was tired.

Well have a GREAT day and I will try and keep my chin up!!!

Remember smile, it will make people wonder what you are up to!!!

Tab

[Danu]

Hi Tab,

I also have good days and bad days, it comes with the territory I think. Yesterday I didn't cry at all! Today has been a down day. Nothing happened, just feeling blue. Cried all the way home from work.

I guess what I've tried to do is gather as much information as I can about MLC, so I have some understanding of this maddness. This not only helps me to see that I have nothing to do with him feeling this way, it also made me realize that it's beyond his control also. I don't hate him because he's sick.

This is such a process for all of us to understand and deal with. Maybe someone should write up "stages" that we go through too! After 11 months I am finally starting to understand that I need to GAL. I want so badly to think about and talk about something other than this awful situation! For me, this phase is coming slowly. I do think I'm making progress, but it's so slow!

It's also hard to plan for the worst case scenario, but I do that too. I keep telling myself, plan for the worst and hope for the best! It's hard not to dwell on the negative thoughts of what COULD happen. That's a daily struggle for me.

I think what you're doing is the right thing for sure. It's exactly what I did (so of course I think you're right! Ha! Ha!), and now even though my H's moved out, I can look back on the last 11 months and know that I did my best to support him and be there for him like I believe a good wife should be. And I did this for me too, not just him. That's not to say that I think any less of anyone who doesn't hang in there! We all have to do what's right for us, and I know I've done what's right for me.

One thing I wish I'd done in the beginning is post on this website. It's helping me so much to chat with so many people who are living through this also. So, Tab, keep posting!

Danu

[Danu]

Hello everyone,

Ever since I met OW's Husband, I've been trying to tell him that I think they're both in MLC, and have offered to lend him my books, made him copies of stuff, etc. He's in counseling with two people now (one's a minister). Well, he's finally taking some of my advice! He's devouring one of the books I sent him (When a Mate Wants Out) and he's starting to really get it!

He's been calling her almost every day, and over the weekend called me to tell me he'd actually gone 3 whole days with no contact! He had to talk to her about a financial matter, and told her about the book (said he bought it) and wants her to look at it. She didn't say yes, and she didn't say no. His counselor told him it was OK to do this. He also asked her if she really wants a D. and she wouldn't answer him.

Finally there's hope in his voice when he called me tonight! He also said he asked his daughter if she planned on staying with her mom, and she said no. So, why did H come and get his bed??? We're trying not to read too much into that.

Danu

[Jack_Three_Beans]

The OW Husband should read Divorce Busting as well.

Don't try to understand motives behind actions.

Danu, you are doing great.

[TabD]

You are doing great. While you are struggling yourself you are trying to help OW husband. What a terrific and wonderful person you are.

Yes as Jack said don't read to much into the motives. we never know what and when they will do something.

hang in there... you are a pillar of strength for me. I read how fabulous you are at this and wonder when the day will come when I am that strong. I know it is out there in the future... I just keep taking it 1 day at a time.

have a GREAT day.

[Danu]

Yes, OW's husband needs to read DB too. I've offered it to him many times, but now I think he's ready. Like me in the beginning, I was too freaked out to concentrate on reading anything.

He called again today to tell me he'd had lunch with her, she let him hold her hand. He told her again that he wants her home, and then told her not to worry about my H as he has a home to go to also, and a wife who loves him. Like any other time they talk about me, she said she doesn't understand why I'm not calling him all the time, and that my H tells her I'm just fine with getting a D. Very strange.

Thank you for telling me I'm doing a good job and am strong. I sure don't feel like it most of the time! I am having a good day today however, and feel a little strong. No tears so far.

Danu