Starting this thread because I am intrigued by Nop's offer to help and of course anyone else who wants to throw their 2 cents into the mix are encouraged to do so.
Quote:
LFL:
I meant no disrespect or condemnation. I did make an honest observation. I wasn't angry at you.
Having read your responses, I would like to offer another observation, even at the risk of further offending you. I believe that with the right interactions with your husband, that he could learn to be the more assertive male that you need in your life. I believe that you could help him with that. If you need ideas, I have some.
I also think that as you deal with your own demons, your experience can richly add to the resources of this forum.
Hi Nop
Thanks for your response and I more than welcome any feedback you have on making my H more assertive...and me less...well, you know.
He has made great strides since the bomb and our reconciliation. I am realizing more and more my part in this mess and I find that the respect factor is probably right up there at the top of the list. I was lacking respect for him. I could still improve my respect for him. It's a process of course. He hurt me very badly but I guess I have hurt him many times over the years as well. Just in smaller doses. He just saved his resentment for the grand finale. But it's water under the bridge now. I am tired of living in that past. I want to have great love and respect and desire for my H. So whatcha think?
You say that hubby hurt you very badly when he left. Let me ask you a question before we get started; What do you think were the mitigating factors for your husband's decision to separate? What were his reasons?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I have a short time to respond because I have to get the kids off the bus in a minute but let me start working on an answer.
I am going to Assume you believe he was having an A. To this day, he has denied that reason and his story has never changed. Never caught in any lies, mis-steps, that type of thing. He has stated over and over that he became very depressed to the point he felt like no one would miss him if he was gone. He said "I knew I would never kill myself because I would not leave that legacy to the kids, but I had to escape and I just left." He takes complete responsibility for this now and there is barely a day that goes by that we do not touch on the subject. He tends to bring it up and states how happy he is that we have another chance and that he cannot believe he put us through that. By the way, depression does run in his family so there are some biological root causes there. Ok, more later.
Actually, I am not assuming he was having an affair. I am interested in what his state of mind regarding his daily interactions with you were leading up to the separation.
Has he discussed this in detail with you?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
That is interesting, LFL, because my H has said to me that there were times, even early in the marriage, that he didn't feel I really cared about him. My H is a sensitive soul, and he kept his feelings under wraps. And I didn't listen to him, or convey my feelings, in a way that he needed. Fear and insecurity then rule the relationship, and love, faith and trust erodes.
I asked him about the allure of the EA, and in an honest moment he told me a snippet of a convo they had that cemented their relationship. They got into a conversation about becoming paralyzed, and she told him that if that ever happened to him, she would take care of him. Not like b!tchy Journey, lol. Gosh I can laugh now.
It's hard to know what happens first...did I act in a way to create anxiey within H? Or did H have some abandonment insecurity that played out, with my pulling away in reaction to his behavior? ( The chicken and the egg thing again.) Anyhow, the bad feelings become cyclic and overpowering.
Actually, I am not assuming he was having an affair. I am interested in what his state of mind regarding his daily interactions with you were leading up to the separation.
Has he discussed this in detail with you?
Yes, we have discussed it ad nauseum. Both of us were fairly withdrawn from the M. Remember, this happened Oct 2004. Wow, almost three years ago already. Proof that it does take time to heal I guess. Anyways, we had two toddlers in the house. Enough to wear on the best of M's. I was a SAHM. My H had the total financial responsibility and our home life was getting worse. Lots of stress, fights about sex, fights about in-laws, all sorts of stuff. We had totally lost each other as a couple. In fact he said exactly that when we were reconciling. He felt that we had nothing in common anymore. No more intellectual talks, no more equality in the home. He never stated that he was bored with me as a person but I think it is safe to say I was much more boring in mommy mode than I am now. As far as our daily interactions, H would come home from a day of work and literally lie on the floor in the family room for hours. Then go to bed early. The signs of depression were there but I didn't push hard enough for him to get more help. Neither did he. He was seeing a therapist but admitted that was not helping. I recall he snapped at me once for not taking the clothes out of the dryer and he NEVER would even raise his voice to me let alone point out something I was doing wrong. So that was different for sure. But then he returned to Mr Nice Guy and acted as such right up until the day he left. Not sure if you remember but I found a bill for his apt. deposit when he was out of town at a conference. Confronted him and he admitted he was leaving, packed up as soon as he got home, and that was that. I called a lawyer the next day to protect myself and the rest is history. He was more than generous with money, kids, etc. The whole thing was just so weird and not your usual separation. I did my thing (OM, job, social life, etc) and he did his (cut himself off from most family and friends, worked on maintaining a good R with the kids). He has shown no signs of this depression since we started to reconconcile summer 2005. He is much more assertive in some areas but still no where near what I would call an assertive person. He is kind, understanding, respectful, loving. He wants to work on re-igniting the SL but that is a constant struggle that has always been there since day one. When he found out about the EA (which I'm not really sure was an EA) but regardless, the R with Chrome, he wsa upset but very understanding. He made some comment like "That somewhat evens the playing field at least." I knew he meant it in a good way and he was right. I felt like we had both really F-ed up and now could start over. So that's where we are today. Gotta go entertain the kiddos now.
One more question. How does he treat you in public - at a restaurant, taking you to the movies?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Nop H and I are always affectionate. We hold hands out in public, hug, that type of thing. He always treats me with respect. Even during the S, he never said a bad word about me. Blamed himself. That type of thing. Re: affection, that affection has never been an indicator of sexual desire it seems. LFL
