What I do personally is try to remind myself of the difference so I do not mistake an assumption for fact.
What's wrong if you do mistake one for the other? What's the big deal?
C'mon. I'm giving you HUGE hints about those real issues you want to find in me! It does feel like a big deal to me. I hate to make mistakes. I can handle other people's mistakes easily. They are human, it happens, etc. But me, I NEED to be perfect. (Just writing that sentence down has me fighting back tears and sobbing) I know other people don't understand; I do not understand it yet but I am trying to work on it.
Step back and look at the tone in your posts. They are all conciliatory.
Yes I know. Especially the last few posts yesterday. With the NOP and LFL exchange I thought they had slipped by everyone. maybe I hoped they had. Good catch.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
We all tend to be the center of our own world, dont' we?
EXACTLY the point I was making! Although cac said it funnier!
NOP is the center of his world, cobra, Mojo, Mrs. hairdog, my bf, Lou's BB, honeypot, they're all the center of their own worlds. I'm the center of my world... and this is as it should be (if you read any Buddhist/nondualism stuff). Truly, it CAN'T be any other way! It's physically impossible! The whole world comes into me from all directions through MY eyes. I AM literally and physically the center of the universe.
And you are completely PERFECT just as you are. There's not a darned thing you can do about it! Even if you make mistakes... it doesn't damage your essential perfection.
No-one shamed me. I have known about this issue for many many years but did not quite realize the negative impact. I just figured I was basically wired that way. I have that "Straight A" syndrome. I am positive that a need to protect my mother contributed but my mother did not ask it of me. I gave it to her to help her. And if I was not perfect, there were no ramifications from my parents. It was a self induced NEED.
Funny that I have very little shame in my psyche. Shame is one of my xH's issues and his parent's definitely did not shame him. This is why it is so hard for him to feel badly. The feeling of doing something "wrong" quickly turns into shame which is a horrible emotion. No wonder he deflected on me, huh?
I am still working at this with therapy and constant reinforcing. Raven is great because he has the right amount of respect for it (not just saying that I am crazy ) while constantly letting me know verbally and non-verbally that I am okay.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I meant no disrespect or condemnation. I did make an honest observation. I wasn't angry at you.
Having read your responses, I would like to offer another observation, even at the risk of further offending you. I believe that with the right interactions with your husband, that he could learn to be the more assertive male that you need in your life. I believe that you could help him with that. If you need ideas, I have some.
I also think that as you deal with your own demons, your experience can richly add to the resources of this forum.
Fearless:
An open ended question is not baiting.
LFL had mentioned me and Cobra by name.
I appreciate your concern about my style. I see no point in feminizing it. I am sure that it puts some people off.
My suggestions are specific to each situation. I don't use boiler plate scripts except in dealing with affairs.
I am concerned that you conceal your thoughts and opinions in disclaimers. Obviously, your husband really impacted your self esteem during your marriage. Regardless of what you think about me, unlike your ex, I think that you are worth having, that you are a person of value, and would make a good wife to a more appreciative mate.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Ah yes, that pesky need to be pefect syndrome. Ewh... no one on this board knows about that one... Hmmm. Certainly explains your need to have your H hear you and validate your feelings. Without him doing so, you could not tell if you were hitting the 'perfect' mark. He could withhold it to KEEP you from hitting the 'perfect' mark, and always control the R... for without the 'knowingness' of you perfectly taking care of someone, you will wade into the sh!t, rise and take the bait, whether you want to do it or not.
To constantly expect him to validate you, you attempt to control the R by controlling his actions and responses.
(NOD) BTDT.
Ah, well, welcome to the club of us imperfect souls. If you need a Center of the Universe Chair... let me know... mine is very comfy cozy, and I am willing to share.
For the record: LFL did not mention you by name until you asked.
"Baiting" was clearly my interpretation. And since it did evoke a response, it was a bait. My question was whether it was purposeful and I will have to infer that it was not. Rather it is the way you communicate. No disrespect was intended and I certainly would not ask you to change. I am not sure that I would use the term feminizing but I think I catch your drift.
I do see a difference in the type of advice you give and for my own personal curiosity, I am glad to know it is purposeful.
yeah, I know I do it. It is not how I always communicate but I do fall back on it when I want to test the waters.
The funny thing is I am not sure how much he affected my self-esteem. I have a fairly high level of self-esteem I think. It just seems to make me demand even more from myself. Plus for all the cr*p I went through with xH there is a part of me that is very proud of the strength that I had. In my dark and twisty brain (I know there are Grey's anatomy fans out there!!) I think a less strong person would have left him during the first EA. But I actually felt good enough about myself to not let his actions make me feel demeaned.
And just for further insight into my twisted psyche. Your comment of concern for me just makes me want to reassure you that I am very okay (and I would have written that even if I was not :)) I cannot have you sitting around worrying about me!!
I did appreciate your response and absolutely meant no disrespect.
Last edited by fearless; 03/08/0707:28 PM.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
) while constantly letting me know verbally and non-verbally that I am okay.