Through that confrontation, I feel like I gained some insight. Same thing happened when my H left. It was hard to avoid at that point. He didn't say much but actions did the talking for him. I could choose to go through with the D if I wanted to but I small part of me respects him for what he did. He didn't put up with my crap anymore. Is that sick or healthy? Still trying to work that all out. The strong woman side of me is fighting with the "top my top" side of me.
Fascinating.
Women; geesh. As Elaine said in that "Senfeld" episode, "I honestly don't know how you guys walk around with those things."
That is probably why I was discussing on your thread how you remind me of my H in many ways. I was trying to put myself in your W's shoes and I think I would be losing respect for you. Stand up for yourself more. There's some ADVICE. Take it or leave it.
My opinion is that the tension did come from NOP. This is based upon my background and intuition. And while no one here may feel the same way I do, it does not change the FACT that I FEEL that way. As I said I felt tension the minute I read NOP's post. He chose to interpret, insert himself and respond to something that did not specifically address him and I find that interesting. Just because I see it that way in no way makes it a FACT that NOP was actually trying to create tension. It's just about me. I understand that others and you do not see it that way and I respect that. I think it is useful to understand how 10 people can read the same article and possibly have 10 assumptions from what they read. The facts are always the same but many assumptions and interpretations can be made. That is why I have tried to clarify that assumptions are normal and are hard to avoid. What I do personally is try to remind myself of the difference so I do not mistake an assumption for fact.
I am very aware that my posts are extra long and made even longer with my constant reminders of "my opinion", "I feel", "as I see it", etc. but even with all of those statements I still feel many people here read me as stating assumptions as facts. I did not and will not state that NOP accidentally or purposefully baited LFL. I am asking him what he intended. It did bait her whether it was intentional or not. However it is also just as clear that she freely chose to respond the way that she did.
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So... are you supposed to change Who You Are and what you do so I don't misinterpret or assume? No, for it was my problem, not yours.
No I do not HAVE to change but I may WANT to change if it helps me become a better communicator. I do not want to write you or anyone off just because you may not get me. At the same time if someone seems to be just interested in baiting my weaknesses or pressuring me from a bullying point of view, I would not be interested in pursuing communication with them. I HOPE it is obvious that I do not believe that of any one here or I would not even bother writing this!!!
And, I hope this does not offend you because I REALLY appreciate you and your opinions here, I can understand why my post was confusing because it was specifically aimed to LFL and NOP and I know LFL has understood my questions. And I appreciate she was honest enough to admit what I thought she might - it may take that extra harshness and "slap" from someone to get her to "get" it. For me I do not need that and while I can see it for what it is, I usually respond by going quiet or subdued. I can "allow" for it when I know it is unintentional or meant "well". Still do not like it and it is not the best way to get the best out of ME. but that is me. And I am very aware that we are all different.
That's one thing I have appreciated and respected about Coach Bear Bryant. He understood that people respond differently and as a coach he treated his players differently as to make the most of them.
"You have to learn what makes this or that Sammy run. For one it's a pat on the back, for another it's eating him out, for still another it's a fatherly talk, or something else. You're a fool if you think as I did as a young coach, that you can treat them all alike." Bear Bryant
Eating him out = chewing him out, stop your childish giggling right now!!
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Eating him out = chewing him out, stop your childish giggling right now!!
LOL. You know us too well.
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it may take that extra harshness and "slap" from someone to get her to "get" it.
See, at least I'm consistent. I like an emotional slap every now and then and I like a physical slap too (only in the bedroom of course). Come on, this is the SSM BB right? That fits.
Tension? What tension. This exchange was nothing! At least to me it wasn’t. It did seem to bother you Fearless. I am wondering why you thought there was tension too and why you feel “compelled” to keep things clear, address any assumptions and restore the peace? I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that, but there is a rescuer element underneath all that. I think that is what Corri senses too. That rescuer is all about you and no one else. A rescuer can also be about control.
What I do personally is try to remind myself of the difference so I do not mistake an assumption for fact.
What’s wrong if you do mistake one for the other? What’s the big deal?
I am very aware that my posts are extra long and made even longer with my constant reminders of "my opinion", "I feel", "as I see it", etc. but even with all of those statements I still feel many people here read me as stating assumptions as facts.
I think people interpret you that way for the same reason they interpret me. They get lost in what you are saying, glaze over and only hear that you are still talking, talking, talking. Anyone doing all that talking is not conversing and exchanging ideas, but telling, no matter how much you try to condition it. (I might add that this is cyberspace and all you have to do is click to the next post, so I will keep talking all I want.)
I do not want to write you or anyone off just because you may not get me. At the same time if someone seems to be just interested in baiting my weaknesses or pressuring me from a bullying point of view, I would not be interested in pursuing communication with them. I HOPE it is obvious that I do not believe that of any one here or I would not even bother writing this!!!
I say don’t worry so much of what others think of you on this board. This is not a beauty pageant. Plenty of people think I’m a jerk. So what. I still say what I think and let them respond. Its good training for the real thing, and the real thing is going to be a lot tougher than anything you encounter here.
Step back and look at the tone in your posts. They are all conciliatory. That is ok, as long as it does not become extreme and you spend your energy running in circle trying to get everyone to get along. I’m not saying you are doing that, but I can see that tendency.
As for LFL, she’s just another warrior chick! Quite harmless.
Yes it did. Here's how I know: when I read LFL's post about how (paraphrasing) people give out all this specific advice, etc., I assumed that she was talking directly to ME! When I was giving hairdog all that specific advice about talking to his wife, LFL posted on that thread several times asking how I thought this new tactic of being like a broken record would make any difference. So when she commented on people giving specific advice, I just assumed she meant me!
Then when NOP posted his retort (and it WAS a retort), indicating that he assumed she was talking about HIM, I almost posted right after that: "Gee, NOP, you thought she was talking about you, and *I* thought she was talking about me!" with an attached smiley.
Edited to add after reading cobra's post:
Fearless, your posts do have a lot of disclaimers in them. It might be illuminating for you to examine why you think you need them. You're a very clear communicator, but no matter how clear YOU are, people are going to misunderstand and take things wrong from time to time. We all read through our own filters... no one else can fix that.
I say don’t worry so much of what others think of you on this board. This is not a beauty pageant. Plenty of people think I’m a jerk. So what. I still say what I think and let them respond. Its good training for the real thing, and the real thing is going to be a lot tougher than anything you encounter here.
Amen to that Cobra. This is all fun and games compared to the real life and real M's we are dealing with. Nothing anyone says to me here is going to shock me or offend me. Really. I may not Like it and it may even hurt a little. But so what? I've heard and dealt with lots more people in my profession that could really be considered shocking. Had one woman throw a her lighter at me in a fit of rage. Eh. Gotta take the good with the bad in this world.
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As for LFL, she’s just another warrior chick! Quite harmless.
Awww, thanks. I thought it would be a cold day in heck when I got the warm fuzzies from Cobra.
As Elaine said in that "Senfeld" episode, "I honestly don't know how you guys walk around with those things."
When I was giving hairdog all that specific advice about talking to his wife, LFL posted on that thread several times asking how I thought this new tactic of being like a broken record would make any difference. So when she commented on people giving specific advice, I just assumed she meant me! 
