Angelica, I agree. Each person can work their way through if they are willing to deal with the pain that they will encounter on the road rather than stuff it into the closet. I see my H still spinning in circles. Every now and again I do get a glimpse of the person that I knew but I must admit for my own purposes, I pretty much stay away from him. I have done this for my own health, safety and mental security.
I do not initiate contact unless it is about the children or finances. If he comes to visit the children at my house, I go about the busines of cleaning the kitchen,calling friends, going out to a store or otherwise occupying myself. It seems that he is trying to remain in the children's good graces by buying them things but my son is still not going for it.
Funny, on the batcave thread I mentioned that H is becoming frustrated that I only communicate with him through the children and how he eats fast food and cans of soup. He came over last night and I was still cleaning up after dinner. I made barbecued pork chops, rice and string beans and had some left over baked ziti (it was delicious by the way). So, he was doing something with the kids and I was in the kitchen. Suddenly,he walked up next to me and said "Do you mind if I take a pork chop?" I said,"I think that they are cold." I nearly fell out on the floor by what he said next... "It's okay, I don't mind." Ok, now understand this was a man that would not eat a grain of rice if it was at room temperature, his soda had to be darn near frozen and his food PIPING HOT.
Before I knew it he grabbed a pork chop sauce and all, I could not even pass him a paper towel and he literally swallowed the pork chop in 3 bites. I told my D who had walked over by this time to ask Dad if he wanted some baked ziti. I put some on a plate and she took it to him and it was inhaled before I could finish washing a few glasses. Guess homecooking is being missed,huh? Oh well, his choice. My cooking is darn good.
I no longer call him Daddy in the children's presence, I refer to him as "your father". It takes the "endearment" out of my side and makes it a lot easier for me to detach.
My point is, these are not the people that we know so we have to take on the persona of being not so much the person that they knew either.
I am less influenced by how he feels and more concnerned about what works for me and the kids. He seems frustrated somewhat by it. Particularly with me not initiating contact, allowing him to communicate directly with the children and me not serve as a buffer, and not being so easily controlled. As said before, it is what works for me. So funny, he once said "I feel like I am talking someone who is not there when I talk to you, why can't you just tell me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" My responses are friendly but short and professional. He wanted it this way so things will have to change for me. Either way, I will be okay. That is how I see it now. Don't get me wrong, I miss him. But I MISS HIM,not the monster that he has become.
MLC is a horrible monster, I have been there and you really cannot remember which way is up but at some point the spouse with the brain screwed on correctly, needs to hold them accountable but from a safe enough distance that green vomit does not get slapped in our direction. Once you get into holding them accountable instead of feeling sorry for yourself or them, the world becomes a much brighter place and you are carrying a lighter load.
To quote my therapist, "You cannot carry around 180lbs of dead weight. You can sit around and wait and try to carry it but you will not have your mind when you can't carry it anymore."
