LiN, on the few occasions we have seen each other recently she hasn't said ILY but said it frequently during the 2 months she was at home and seeing OM. I re read her numerous texts saying it and just don't believe it because of what she put me through. The words seem hollow.
2 weeks in to the separation was the first time I saw her and I said as she was leaving 'I still love you'. She said 'you too'. I think she does love me, as much as she's capable at the moment, but as a friend. I think she would be very wary of saying that, however, because she wouldn't know what my reaction would be. And I'm not about to say it. It actually matters to me less now anyway. It's just words at the end of the day and actions are far more important, I've learnt.
I am my own worst enemy at times. The last few days I have allowed my hopes to rise and that's what has lead to the shock feeling again.
Last night W came round to see D while I was late at work. My mum said W seemed ok and was much more upbeat with D. This was another wake up call to me. It could be a mood swing up or it could be her starting to recover. Either way, it doesn't look like she's coming out of the tunnel any time soon.
She left me a note to ask if she could see D on Saturday rather than Sunday in spite of the fact that I have said many times that we now do things on a Saturday morning (D's swimmimg lessons). Also she mentioned to D about taking her to the pictures one night next week when I'd said on Sunday I thought that was a bad idea during the week as it would finish too late. It's like she doesn't listen to what I say about arrangements and just goes ahead with doing what she wants to do anyway. And she doesn't discuss it with me first before mentioning to D so I look like the bad guy when I say no.
When I speak to her at the weekend about it, she'll say she forgot what I said, I'm sure, which is probably true as her memory is shot at the moment. Any other parents have similar experiences?
Trying to have more of a PMA today. Thanks for the meditation tip, Grace. I certainly find breathing exercises help with the anxiety levels.
