No Contact for the sake of Sanity

[Cinderellaman]

Thanks always....I keep thinking that this is for ME. It also keeps me happy and sane....and if I were to stay in his face all the time and he were to live out his little fantasy life of having us(me and the kids) and his OW in town...well then I just don't ever see him wanting or missing me....because he still has me....my H is motivated more to achieve something he can't have...so here I am not making myself available....of course this being his MLC who knows what it actually does to him if anything....SO, yes for my own sanity and happiness and that of my children I am staying in as much NC as possible. That doens't mean that I'm loving it, I miss him, miss his eyes, his laugh, his smell, his touch, I miss everything..........who knows maybe one day I will get it all back and BOY will I be appreciative of it !!!!!!

Thanks xxxxx

[Grace_O]

Cinders,

I think most of us are more motivated by what we can't have (to a point). Then when we get it someimtes it falls into the category of "be careful what you wish for...".
I know what you mean about missing him. My H still is living in the house, but I have never been so lonely. Once in awhile, I see the man I know and love, usually it's just Fred (Lissett was kind enough to christen him).

[always_14]

I think the idea of them missing something that is not with them is rational. Not sure it always applies. I think my H did not miss me at all. And, frankly, I didn't miss him much either. I missed the old H, and I mourned that for a month or 2, pretty seriously, but now (and I'm not saying this to be callous), I'm not sure there's much I miss. Mostly b/c the alien is most recent in my memory.

Mostly, I think for me, if I thought of NC in any relation to H's MLC, it was to remove myself from the equation in his mind: Always = Miserable Life For Me.

I wanted to comepltely cut myself from his life, such that he was faced only with himself, his actions and the consequences if any. I was sick of being blamed for everything, for feeling demonized. Sure, I had my faults and was demanding and critical at times, but I never made H feel that my life was miserable and unlivable because of him.

You know, like every other classic MLC story, his life tanked after I left. And I don't say that ot pat myself on the back. Simply that they are left with themselves....like the saying "wherever you go, there you are."

Also, it was nice to unwind from the drama that unfolded after I left. It was nice to take a sideline seat to his horror show of a life. And, in parallel, create a wonderful one of my own.

good luck!

[Cinderellaman]

Thanks Grace and Always for popping in with your wise and kind words !

I am in serious DOUBT-mode today...........IS H really in MLC, he seems to be respecting my NC so incredibly well, why is he so kind about this???? He hasn't and probably will not cross my boundaries, which of course is good, but why is he so willing to stick to them. He seems to be too kind to be in MLC...why ? He seems fine when I watch him from the window upstairs when he's picking up the kids...the first few weeks of no contact in November he always used to look back at the house as if wondering where and how I was...No he doesn't, he just picks the kids up and he's off....this all hurts so much, has he moved on ? For sure this time, Is OW maybe very happy with the NC because she now has him all to herself ??!!

I know that some of the stuff H is doing is really very MLC, (like the low-budget-ski-trip with 23/25 year olds), but he seems pretty descent for the rest......... I am SO afraid of what I might have done with the NC....like you said Always, what if he just won't miss me. What if his life just became a lot less complicated, less to worry about, one less person to think about.....
And what about his breakdown Saturday.......nothing after that....nothing....he seems all happy and cheary, and I know you all say that they're not happy inside, but what proof do we have of this ??? Saturday I thought H was finally starting to realise what a mess he had made of his life, but now he seems fine and up and about....probably relieved that he doens't have to contact me or call me as often either..........uRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGH - I just don't know, I've lost the plot I think....the thing is, if I stop the NC thing, I'm sure we will back to square 1, him cake-eating and me feeling miserable about it, so that's not an option either I suppose..........WHY IS THERE NO - RIGHT WAY !!!????

I miss him, terribly, miss him, miss him.........

OK - get a grip.............Sun is shining, have a facial booked, vet is dropping by to see the dog...chin up and face the world !!!!! (UGH so sick of facing the world - at times it seems such hypocritical place, full of sneaky people, trying to get our spouses in their claws .......) I need some faith again, faith in humanity, faith in myself for being ME, faith in my H to wake up and see the wonderful wife and kids he just left behind on a whim of a 24 year old.

OK - I need some fairy dust again YR, off to face the world....

[angelica]

Cinderellaman - the NC has been going on no tme at all!! This is much more like gardening - there are no instant results. My last nc contact [before this one] was 4 months, and I am currently 4 weeks into the new one.

I swear [as do many others on these boards] that time run on Pluto time, or like treacle - VERY slowly for them.

We all doubt that they are in MLC at times. This is one reason we know we are sane and they aren't, because they do not admit to doubts.

In any case, even if he is not in MLC have you ever looked at the stats of men who leave happy marriages for other [particuarly younger] women? Affairs seldom beceome lasting relationships, but they do last, usually a minimum of 6 months, and up to two years [in MLC this can last longer, but I think the majority are over within 2 year [please correct me if I am wrong on this, anyone].

The more suitable the woman, the more you should worry. If she is young and silly he will get bored, and who konws - so may she.

Angelica

[MidwesternGirl]

the affair and how long it lasts:

when you say two years, is it from the time it started or the time the spouse finds out about it?

My h has been with OW: it will be three years this coming September but it will be two years in Sept. that I knew.

So which rule of thumb do we go by?

[MidwesternGirl]

PS SHe is older than H by about six months and has two adult children.

[justbestfriends]

I agree with Angelica but can understand your doubts about NC. It's hard but I find it even more difficult when I have actually seen W. It seems to knock me off course again. They need that space and giving them anything other than what they've asked for is only going to push them further away IMO.
Have a good day.

[justbestfriends]

I agree with Angelica but can understand your doubts about NC. It's hard but I find it even more difficult when I have actually seen W. It seems to knock me off course again. They need that space and giving them anything other than what they've asked for is only going to push them further away IMO.
Have a good day.

[MidwesternGirl]

Cinders:

Do you think he is feeling comfortable with the NC because you are not a threat to him? I mean, you don't question, you are not around, he may find this non-threatening and feel there is not a chance you will be controlling and manipulative in his mlc mind.

Does that make sense?