Yes!! I agree, I AM the common demoninator! I do get it, that is why I want help!! I dont want to be this way... I think it is being rejected. I dont understand why. We never ever ever ever ML if I initiate... EVER!
I thought they were alot different...
My H worked in the bush for weeks at a time and his ex cheated on him numerous times. He stayed for years for the kids, even after she had kicked him out a couple of times and moved someone else in days later, they all turned out to be his friends. The last time, she moved someone like two days or two weeks later. There is alot more to it than that but that is the straw that broke the camels back.
I am definatley not grabby... or demanding... and I dont like conflict!! I am definately needy! I told my H that I need touch!! I dont know why I am this way!! But I do want to know how to be different, I dont want to drive him away...
He has not stated a reason... but I read "The Five Love Languages" which I thought was an awesome book, he would not read it. I typed about 20 pages from it to explain my needs and ask him about his... he wouldnt read that either.
I am angry with him every time he "rejects" me. I am angry when I feel lonely, which is about every few weeks... I try to act normal and it lasts for awhile. We will go days without much interaction at all. I have told him that its not just sex that I want. I want him to walk by and hug me or put his arm around me at night. I told him to kiss me passionately once in a while. I just want to connect here and there! I hate bringing it up because i dont want to nag or whine!!
I appreciate everyone that has responded. I want to be normal!!!
Quote: --------------------------------------------------------- My H worked in the bush for weeks at a time and his ex cheated on him numerous times. He stayed for years for the kids, even after she had kicked him out a couple of times and moved someone else in days later, they all turned out to be his friends. The last time, she moved someone like two days or two weeks later. There is alot more to it than that but that is the straw that broke the camels back. ---------------------------------------------------------
It appears that your husband is also a big time conflict avoider.
Do you have any idea about what has him withdrawn from the relationship?
Is he depressed?
You both can't be conflict avoiders and expect to change the dynamics of your relationship. So the first thing you have to resign yourself to, is to learn how to handle conflict and engage your husband without anger and resentment. At least one of you has to go first, and since you are here, that means you :-)
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
WOW! You are so right!! He is an avoider too! I dont like conflict but things bother me enuf to talk so I feel like I am a good communicator, just need to not sugar coat so much. I tried last night to talk to him again. This time I said, "I am not asking for anything from you except your opinion, I just want to figure out why I am like this or how I can change things around so we are both happy. I dont want to fester resentment adn i dont want to drive you away. (he agreed) I know you love me and care so it would benefit you as well to work with me, maybe my expectations are way off??..." I asked him what he thought my issue was... he thinks I need reassured all the time. Maybe he is right to an extent but I think I just need to feel connected (thru touch?)...doesnt have to be sex, just touch. We could be watching a movie spending time together and its not enuf just to sit on the same couch, I want to be touching, touching legs, holding hands, something. Thats just me!!
His ex is very harsh and tells the kids negative things about him all the time, I do think he is depressed at times!!
Amen, I will go first!!! I will do whatever it takes!! I can't thank you enuf for talking to me!! Do you think I went about it the right way this time?? I never put him down when we talk, ever. I am all about praising to success!! BUT... once again, he changed the subject and didnt talk to me about it. Just avoided it again!! How can I work with that?? I just want to act differently. How can he jsut blow me off when he knows I am hurting?? I never ever blamed him or put him down, if I had a problem with my friend, he would talk to me... I am crushed... again.
Obviously, your hubby was attracted to your bubbly personality. It seems that he finds his head in a more somber place right now. I suggest that you really tone down your interactions to a "pleasantly concerned" level.
For now, use short, simple touches with him. Touch his knee, back, arm, whatever, but limit any needy behavior. Occasionally, touch him with a lingering touch, but not a continuous one such as holding hands. You want to make sure that he is not perceiving desperation from you, that will push him further away. Don't chase him for affection. When you sit with him on the couch, sit close to him, but not touching him. Let him initiate affection for a while.
In the mean time, let me ask some more questions.
How often is he interacting with his wife?
What custody rights does he have with his children? How often does he interact with them?
What is the source of the information that his children are being emotionally "poisoned" by their mother. How often is he discussing this issue with you?
How much time (in hours) do you spend with your husband alone each week?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I am absolutely going to do this!! I also read today that after awhile, ppl can become "obsessed" with their issue, maybe it is not as bad as I have perceived it, so backing off may help me as well. I am going to really try to not act desperate!!
He only talks to his ex maybe once a month. His kids are teenagers and they live in California so we see them once or twice during the school year and in the summers they come here. He talks to them on the phone but not as much as he should and he knows that. I try to encourage a phone call often because I know he feels better after talking to them but I dont want to be pushy about it either. This is unbelievable but, the source is the kids. When they get upset with her, they discuss it with him. She tells them that he is a loser and that he has a new family and doesnt have the time or money for them. She says things like "you are the one who wanted these kids." Very harsh.
We do not spend much time alone. A few minutes in the morning and a few minutes at night, if he is awake. We swore we would always make time alone. We do go out for dinner once in awhile and play pool with friends once in awhile. After reading more of the book today, I made a date for this weekend! I think when I DO things FOR him, he feels the most loved. I do a lot! If I get him a card or write a note, he told me it doesnt do much for him... it leaves me with not many ideas to do to make him feel special. I know I am not perfect but I am very loving, easy going, supportive, I dont know how else to change my attitude. I just know I do need to do what you suggested, back off and dont act desperate!! Here I go..........................
Let me ask another question. What is your schedule like? I am wondering why the two of you have so little time together.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Well... my schedule is very busy. My kids are in activities M W T nights. My husband and my son take a class together T & Th nights. Kids homework takes up a lot of time. I have been attending college classes for three years on T and Th nights.... I just took my last final and I am taking a long break to lower the stress level!!!! I am hoping that will help!!! I have to make a conscious effort to try and make sure we get out at least once a month?????
Last night, I did my own thing and I smiled and was very happy all night!! He came to me and kissed my head!! Then when we went to bed, I just said, I love you so much. And HE put his arm around ME!!! Now I know its just one night... but I am going to try so hard to change me and see how far it goes. I have to admit I am scared because I have tried before but I feel different for some reason, reading further into this book and talking here.......
What do you think the two of you could do in order to set aside more time for each other each day?
The two of you need at least an hour of time alone with each other every day. Some psychologists maintain that you need at least 2 hours a day. Time alone is very important for the two of you to be able to re-connect emotionally as well as physically.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Hi there!! I dont know... The kids go to bed at 8:30...we should have a good hour then but he always falls asleep while I am putting them to bed!! I will focus more on finding that time.
I am really working on trying to be more of the person I was when we met, happy, no worrying, not acting needy... I have a better attitude but when he doesnt respond or when I feel like he is just not "with me," I have to tell myself positive things like, "he loves me, he just doesnt always realize that he is blowing me off because I dont think he would if he knew," or "his mood or actions are his and I cant let that bring me down...stay positive!!" It is a constant battle for me, I dont know why. I am scared... I am being so nice and trying so hard... just scared.
The first best way to lose your desperation is to step out of the fear that is driving it.
Has your hubby read SSM? Will he read it?
Have you attempted to discuss your concerns with him in a calm, non threatening way?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
