Quote: ------------------------------------------------------ Oh, come on Nop, I already pointed out that you and Cobra are people that come to mind regarding this issue. ------------------------------------------------------
Then stop making couched references about me in the third party. If you have an issue with me, then speak to me without me having to seek you out.
Your fears. I don't know exactly where you are now, but when you "left" this forum, you were absolutely soaking in fear to commit to your marriage and had just ended what was evidently an emotional affair with Chrome. When you first came to this board, you were full of fear about your marriage and waffling back and forth between your husband and the allure of the fantasy of a relationship with another man. I think you fear your husband coming here, finding out about you and your liaisons, then snooping on you.
If your fear is about someone's relationship being harmed, what are you afraid of, someone being told to re-engage communication with their spouse, or being told to love their spouse?
My style of communication is my style. I have no intention of placating people that might find it "overly confident". I am not a professional therapist. I don't claim to be. I am a professional however, and I do bring that and a boatload of experience to bear on my suggestions for others relationships.
Quote: --------------------------------------------------------------- But why feel the need to tell people in the greatest of details what to do for THEIR M? That's where I feel you are overstepping. But again, that's just my opinion. ---------------------------------------------------------------
As I alluded to above, I read situations and people very easily. If you are interested in my colorful past, then you can find it written about on this forum. I do have a somewhat unique perspective to bring to bear on other people's situations.
Quote: ---------------------------------------------------------------- I also feel therapists in general often overstep in their level of "here's what you need to do". So when I see it being done by people on the board, I just find it kind of think it's odd is all. Seems more self-serving than anything else. Then again, all of us on this board are probably fairly self-serving and like to "hear ourselves talk...uhm type". Or none of us would be here. ----------------------------------------------------------------
I think that good therapists should be able to speak directly into the lives of their clients. As for therapists being self-serving, I would think that would depend on the individual therapist. Personally, I don't get a thrill out of "hearing" myself speak. I do get a thrill out of helping other people work their way out of their bad situations, and I am absolutely certain that no one ever did that by sitting on their hands.
Quote: ------------------------------------------------------------------ Back to my fears a sec. I'm now thinking that maybe you think I'm avoiding embracing a "solution" mentality. But that is not the case at all. I'm all for solutions. I just strongly feel they are not going to be cookie cutter for every person that comes along. Too many variables with human behavior. ------------------------------------------------------------------
I think that you are terrified of finding yourself forced to make a relationship work that you might not like when you are 50. I think you are terrified that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, and that if you don't sample it, you will have lost an opportunity to have a different life.
I don't think that way. I have hopped from one pasture to the next MANY times and all the grass was the same. Your life is what you make of it NOW. Better to be busy living than worrying about dying or the grass over the next hill.
Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------- I just strongly feel they are not going to be cookie cutter for every person that comes along. Too many variables with human behavior. --------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't think that a cookie cutter solution works for everyone either. Regardless, humans tend to make the same mistakes in relationships over and over, especially in affairs. All affair behavior could be written in a single 600 page textbook. Affairs are cookie cutter.
Quote: --------------------------------------------------------------------- My H and I are in a good place right now. I feel like we have similar views on most issues and we both respect each other's opposing viewpoints when they come up. Just like in a therapeutic setting, the M setting should be based on some empathy, respect, and understanding. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
I am glad that you and your husband are in a good place with mutual respect. Mutual respect is good.
Quote: ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Not sure if I shared this or not on the board, but both my H and I are licensed therapists in NY (I also teach). We have problems (clearly) just like everyone else but I think my training has provided a good base from which to work on our M issues. I certainly would never overstep my boundaries on this board and start providing therapy where it is not appropriate. So I guess my "fear" is that some of us have the potential to cause more harm than good with what we advise at times. That's all. Take it or leave it. It's a public board. ----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was not aware that you are a therapist. I do hope that you are getting some good therapy, especially if you are practicing. If I were a client, I would find your posted behaviors quite disturbing. I intend no disrespect.
I am not providing therapy to anyone. I make suggestions to people about their relationship that pushes them back toward their spouse. If there are a set of constraints, such as an impending divorce, then I customize my suggestions. I look at each person here and their problems as separate entities. If someone doesn't want to take my "advice" I don't give it or I shut up if I have been giving it.
If you want to know why I post with a measure of confidence, it is because I measure my words carefully. I consider the situation I am making suggestions about carefully. I make it a point to not abandon someone once they have started making changes in their relationship. I don't see where you get the idea that I am being irresponsible. No one has been forced to follow any of my suggestions, nor do I chase them down.
Lastly. I think the real issue here is that you simply don't like me or my moral certainty. Fine with me. Regardless, if you ever want my read on your situation, just ask and I will tell you what I honestly think. It will be your choice what you choose to do with it.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
