A new person won't one day with the fridge door open, drop the milk and with a strange glint in their eye, proceed to give us a warped version of our history together.
Well not for the first couple years any way, right?
But I loved the image.
RonJon- It sounds like you've made the choice to stay in and go to NJ for the next few years. It's all a win-win still, right? The extra money and title before retiring will make all that much more marketable when you're ready to move on from there.
Good for you for keeping your cool, even though you raised your voice briefly. So the choice is made. HI to NJ! What a difference. Should be very interesting, indeed. It does seem, however, that your XW seems to be starting to realise that she has missed time with your sons. Could this be the start of the wake up?
My D26 and her H still don't know where they will be going. Seems that now it's either FL, WA, or IL. Her H is still in cross-training in TX. I was in the military in my misspent youth (another time, another country), but I was never posted away from my home city, thank goodness.
Hope the rest of your week goes better.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Yes, well today xw called and was all apologetic because she finally realized that she was now fighting for the days she had given me earlier. Like you put it BeingMe, think she is getting to realize missed time with sons. Asked and she gave me her input that she would like us to come back to CO, even offered to find us a place, find me a job, etc. Maybe last year I would have fallen for that but can see that she realizes that this may be the permanent separation from the boys and would probably act nice until I'm trapped there.
SuitedUp, hear what you are saying but still new to this divorced thing after 24 yrs married. Can't understand why there should always be a dark cloud but have seen it with other couples over the years, more w/those that stay together that probably shouldn't have.
Opti, It is a win-win for me with a couple of exceptions. The boys won't hardly see their sister and after the rough first year we all had here we grew very close. But I suppose other families deal with older siblings that go off to college, get jobs and/or married, and never get back toghther in the same town. Not seeing their mom doesn't bother me since I consider her situation a bad influence, she thinks that just because she is "happy" that makes her continued R with the OM who's affair broke up our M and family is "all right" and I'm here trying to teach them integrity which is opposite. The other thing is what I see as the finality of the R. Imagine anyone that has read my posts can pick up on that I'm a person that has difficulty letting go. Being traditional, had held out that there was a possibility I could get the family back together. By the time NJ is over all the children will be in college so by then no family to really get back together. Maybe live in the same town but not the same home. Just feel like I let my sons down for their teen years by not keeping the family together but the only thing I can do now is be the best father for them, I tried my hardest but it was too late.
Thanks all for your inputs, and for being there, albeit virtually. RonJon
Day of reckoning and had to come to a final decision. Got a bunch of e-mails and job suggestions FAXes from xw during work. Gave the xw one last call and one last question, asked her how serious she was about "him", she hemmed and hawed and I put it to her this way: "Do you see it as long-term, trying to figure out how to get rid of him or somewhere in-between?" She said long-term. Decided that I couldn't be happy living in that town/in that environment and shouldn't let my children be worn down to believing that an environment where two married persons had affairs and continue the R is accecptable which is what I belive her agenda is (to indoctrinate the kids into thinking it is all OK simply because she's happy).
Talked to S14 & S16 about the decision and they were both OK with it. Then had to make the dreaded call to D19, sure enough she turn on the water works when she heard and there was no consoling her at this point. Feel really bad that I let my family down but tried everything I could. Still believe in DBing and that it has made me a better person. Maybe someday Michele W-D will find a way to crack the WAW syndrome. When xw calls next, will be polite but frank and tell her that we are not friends, that the affair she had while we were married and chooses to continue is wrong and not to call or e-mail me anymore.
Good luck to you out there that are still married or are trying to get back together. The only advice I can give is no matter how much it hurts don't take shortcuts or take up with someone outside you marriage or if divorced, take up with someone that is married.
From observations, seems the ladies have more success getting their men back. In fact, can't recall a thread now where a man was successfull in changing his wife's mind and preventing the divorce. Anybody see anthing different? Again thank you all for being here and will pop in now and again since as I put in a previous post, I have a problem with letting go. Now please excuse me while I probably go off and have a good cry and try to flush all this out of my system. RJ
There are several that were on the Newcomers site. One was Mak and the other was HeartFeltOne. So there are men that have gotten their WAW's back.
I used to think that men had a better chance of reconciling that women.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Well, now you know, Ron, and finally she has actually been honest with you! The ball is squarely in her court now, so if she ever wants you back, then she will have to come and find you. I just cannot figure out why people (WAS's especially) feel the need to be dishonest. In the end, we (LBS's) do find out the truth, or we leave, but dishonesty never serves one well. It always comes back and bites ya in the 'you know where'.
I hope that you are feeling better now. Do you feel your pathway has become clearer now? Do you also feel that you are now, finally, able to drop the rope of hope for any future R with your XW? I feel you still have some bitterness toward your XW and the OM, and that is probably normal. However, try and let go of that .... forgive (for your own sanity) and move on. Life is too short to hang on to what is now essentially a mirage (although, I know how you feel, since I am also in a long M, and I would've not been able to let go too easily, what with the history, the children, etc.). I once told my H, "there is no-one on this planet that will understand when I say, 'remember when S/D19 were born?', and know what I mean". He had to agree because those are our memories and ours alone. No-one (no matter how many times you tell someone else) can understand the nuances of the event, the feelings we shared, the joy and agony, the stress and fun of bringing twins home, and so on. There are just certain things that only you and your XW will understand and remember about certain events in your lives together, and no OM will ever be able to know or share them. Hang on to those memories, and find joy in them, and move on to new memories with or without another woman, but certainly with your sons.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe, Yes, I actually feel much better today as if a great weight has been lifted. This may have been the closure I've been looking for. My thinking is that WAS's feel the need to be dishonest to cover for their wrongdoings rather that admit to them. Whatever, it was good to have the old w back for the final conversation and to end on my terms.
The pathway has become clearer now and and ready to face the future. Figure I have the triple Bs going for me, brains, brawn, and bucks. No bitterness towards xw but plenty for OM, he knew that he crossed the line way early and didn't care. In fact, I find it convienient to blame everything on him, may not be right but makes me feel better and don't have any anger towards anyone else. Gotta channel somewhere right? Have forgiven xw and harbor no ill will towards her just want nothing to do with her anymore for everyones best interest.
Am moving on to new memories, have a date Saturday with a younger blonde and met a brunette today that was giving me "the eye" so asked and we are going for coffee tomorrow. The memories are there and I'm not one go go and throw out or burn photos, just stick them in the attic or basement is my MO. One of the xw's "helping offers" if I moved back to CO was to go through the old things which I interpret as her wanting to take stuff which won't happen now. At first the memories of the things wev'e collected over the years weighed heavily from the connection but not now and would bug me more to know xw/om are sharing/enjoying our old stuff.
The boys are great and am comfortable that this decision will put them in a better environment than being around xw and om despite having to be separated from their sister. We'll see where things are in three years, maybe a different town in CO or maybe she'll decide to college in NJ for her Jr/Sr years. As always, thanks for the great words and thought provoking questions. RJ
Hi Ron! You sound so positive in your last post. That's so great! NJ could turn out to be a great adventure! And, as you say, another city in CO is always an option, when you go back. I visited CO once, and I really liked the look of Boulder. When is the great move then? Will your sons be able to finish their schooling year before the move?
Wouldn't it be great if your D19 decided to finish her studies in NJ! But, if she decides not to do so, then just realise that she is an adult now, and must walk her own path. I am certainly getting that lesson in my own life right now, with my S/D19. D19 is still in the old city with the idiot bf, and S19 is home, but gets so annoyed when one wants to talk for him (i.e. the guitar teacher to find out about lessons - he said that he can do it himself). I had to snicker under my breath at how emphatic he was, but then got a little sad that I only have one kid left to get to adulthood. I am just thankful that he has decided to go to college .... yay! Fortunately, I have a lot in my own life, so don't have a need to live through my children.
Triple B's, 'eh! Well, we women love brains and brawn, and bucks don't hurt. However, don't forget the triple H's .... humour, honesty, and humbleness (which should not be confused with lack of confidence). I think you've got your b's and h's in a row though (if your posts are anything to go by), so you will do well on the dating scene I think.
I understand what you mean about blaming everything on OM ... I still have slight feelings about that toward my H's XOW, after 2 years. I think I have moved past resenting her, or despising her, but I do keep an eye on her whereabouts, because I am wary. There are times still, that I wonder if I did the right thing staying with H, but the choice is made, and I must honour it, but that doesn't mean I am going to be stupid on not being aware of things. Last time I checked, her H is being sued in the UK for sexual misconduct with some of his patients. I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for her. Only a little though because if she decides to contact my H again, she could play the pity card, and my H is a sucker for sob stories.
Hey, take care, and have fun on your dates!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
but the choice is made, and I must honour it, but that doesn't mean I am going to be stupid
Been out partying all night, made a quick check of the boards and the quote struck a chord with me that I hadn't thought of in a while. Honor is a lost concept for so many individuals these day that I have to praise you for being one of the few that still know what it means.
Boulder is a nice town, more than likely will end up in Denver or a suberm. S14 will graduate middle school and S16 will be between Jr and Sr year which sucks but he is the most unbelievable 16 yr old I've been blessed to know in my long lifetime. Can only pray that D19 would come out to Rutgers or Princeton, lord knows that I'll be making the bucks to pay for it. If not I have faith that we four will settle down in the same area eventually.
The great move will occur in June, the isalnd has been great but figure NJ is a good jumping point to see Europe. Paris, Italy, and Madrid are all on my to-do list. Thanks for the grounding on the triple H's:humor - it's all about having fun. Honesty - comes 1st, and humility which prevents arrogance.
Sounds like you too have found the path to walk. Hope for the best for you, and remenber its about doing what makes you happy.
Have been enjoying my sons so much that I don'nt look forward to the day when they have to have their own life but then agian, met a gal tonight that I think I'm in love with, got her number, we'll see where it goes. RonJon "Life is so exciting" P.S It's peciluar that you mention that Nj may be a great adventue because they have a six flags park the by the same name within 10 minutes of there and me and the boys love amusement parks.
xw called S14/S16 today and afterwards asked to speak with me. She wanted to know if I'd made a final decision yet and I told her the paperwork needed to be turned in tomorrow which gave her one last opportunity to open the door for the two of us. She said she could understand that I'd want to put on the Chief stripe and the money that comes along with it, that was it for me. Told her that I wasn't selfish like her and not doing it for those reasons, with me family comes first. She started talking about the kids and I interrupted her and said, it's not just the kids, the family, the five of us. Again, she statred with a "if not a nuclear family, the next best thing for the kids speech" so I told her that the kids need values and teaching them that adultry and affairs are acceptable is a lesson I won't teach them. That continually choosing "him" and forcing them to be around a person that led to the breakup of their family is wrong and that will not change for as long as they are together. Finished with the "we are not friends for as long as you continue to make the same wrong decision daily and when/if you want to be more than friends again call me but not before. She started on about what if we need to talk about the kids so I told her just business about the kids and that I needed to go. My final words were "you made your decision, I've finally made mine."
So for me, feel like I've finally closed that chapter on that and can hold my head up and move on. Will probably always have regrets about my part in leading up to her decision for wanting a D but know that once I realized the severity of the situation, I did everything I could to prevent it and for the past seven months, tried my best at this divorced but not done approach to try and patch things up. I've no doubt it would be all lawyers and seriously symptomatically problematic to move back to CO, her turf, at this point and that is stress neither my chilren or I need to put up with. We'll find a way to be happier in NJ. RJ
So the choice is made. HI to NJ! What a difference. Should be very interesting, indeed. It does seem, however, that your XW seems to be starting to realise that she has missed time with your sons. Could this be the start of the wake up?
because if she decides to contact my H again, she could play the pity card, and my H is a sucker for sob stories.