H is home. I am thrilled. Very happy. I can't almost believe it. It is weird. We hug and kiss and ML. (which is great) It almost seems almost like nothing has happened, but I know it has, so I am so scared and almost waiting for something bad to happen. I am afraid to say or do anything wrong in the fear that he will bolt and run back to gf. I have read the divorce remedy book and I am piecing.
He seems angry at his job and the kids are noisy and out of control a bit which makes him very nervous which in turn makes me nervous. Again, afraid he is going to bolt.
Another thing that bothers me is he had a picture in his wallet of us for 17 years. (yes the same picture). I saw him on Valentines day and it was still there.
When he opened his wallet today I noticed right away the picture was gone. I did not ask, but I am wondering if he took it out or did the gf take it out. I kind of don't think he would. Through all of this he never did take it out and we have been talking about him moving back home since Valentines Day. But this still does bother me. What do you all think? Did he or she take it out? This picture in his wallet meant alot to me, I thought it did to him, too. I am afraid to ask him, should I just let it go?
I am also not bringing up anything that happened in the past. Am trying to be supportive. Keep the house very clean and all the other things I have learned in the book.
Any suggestions would be helpful. I am so scared of him leaving again. I am afraid that he will miss her too much or just have like it over there better or something and want to go back. But he did choose to come home on his own. (well, with a little DBusting help from me).
Cissy --------- first bomb - November 2001 second bomb - November 2005 H moved out - June 2006 H moved back in - March 2007
I am in a very similar sit as you, although my H didn't move out, but we are still in early stages of piecing, and I am very much like you, very scared that he will bolt! some days I can't think straight for worry. All I can suggest is to ready the posts here, they do help alot! There is alot of good advice! check my link, and a long post from Cat, it was fantastic! Made be see things alittle differently in dealing with H. Another thing I have been told time and time again is patience, patience,patience! and don't push!
Be calm(easier said then done)and be happy!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Although sometimes my husband says I must have a crystal ball~
I do not but I would venture to say most likely she took it out. I had given my H a CD ( that I made for him and on the outside it said from me to you) when we were seperated and it was broken in half. I know he would not do such a thing it is not like him. My Husband has had the same picture in his wallet for years too ( 10 ~). He never took it out even when with her.
So just focus on you~ you are awesome and she is nothing compared to you. Do not bring it up for now. Be strong.Be positve when he is around.
I felt those things too and sometimes still do and we have been piecing since last August it gets easier with time. I used to be super postive when he was around,, anytime I frowned he always asked what was up. OOOOPS....
It reminds them of the pain they caused you. If he really cares he will not say " HEY I KNOW YOU ARE FEELING X, Y OR Z B/C OF WHAT I DID." But he will internalize it and feel guilty. MY H was still so Raw about what he has done to me that in Dec. when I mentioned that the Tattoo he still carries with her name on it hurts me he BLEW UP like a GEYSER. He was seeing her for @ 10 weeks or so and he has had the tattoo far longer. LONG STORY~
At any rate I hope you can see~ as hard as it is let her go and keep working on letting her go. He will need time to do it and you need to be gentle and when you feel like what the H*ll I need to be gentle with him what about me? Take a deep breath and remember how far you have come and how much you love him and how you are better than all the BS they put you thru. Let it go and work on healing and being HAPPY that is the best thing you can do for your R. And most of all for YOU. You being happy and centered is paramount in this healing and piecing~ I promise you you can do this ~ keep strong and keep being the best you. All my best to you and please do not forget to take care of you too.
Quote:
YOU are something, YOU mean something, YOU have no equal.
Someone very kind put this in my thread and it felt so good to read it. This is you too, do not forget it. Write it down and read it ~ when you feel like you cant be strong another minute~ You can and you will~ I promise you~ Just be humble and love yourself and your H and keep working on it. It wil be the hardest thing you do and also the Most rewarding~ God bless...
Thanks everyone. It's nice to know I am not alone in all this. Oh, I hope I did mess anything up. I have been super positive, haven't brought anything up. I can't possibly do or try any better than I am, but do you know what I did today. H asked me for some chapped lip stuff. He was already in bed and I couldn't find any in the house and I said, you have some in your truck, I will get it. He said don't worry about it, but me trying so hard, went out to the truck to get it... well I found a note from 2/27/07 from gf (this must have been right before he came home)a note that said "I love you honey, your the best!" Ooooohh I hate her! And I found two tampons. I never even kept tampons in his truck, ever! Guess what I did? Oh yes, ripped the note to shredds and threw it and the 2 tampons in the outside garbage.
Gee, you don't think he will leave because of that do you? I sure hope not. I could not help myself, now I am worried. And I see the past 2 days she has called him. Around the same time... between 3:30 and 3:45. Once she called from her parents house and the others from her phone which she switched the caller I.D. off as if I am not going to figure out it is her. She thinks she is sooooooo smart. NOT!!!! Sorry, venting, she makes me so angry! She needs to get her own life! Well, at least he did not call her right, I guess I can expect them to ease out of it, right? I am not going to say anything about these things to him. I am just going to act "as if" I haven't even noticed.
Sorry I am going on and on about her even though you guys said to focus more on me, i am doing that, too, but i figure if I vent here and not on him that it better, right. I know I am better than her deep down inside, but I wish I could feel it from him, you know what I mean? Maybe someday again he will stick up for my like he used to instead of thinking she is so great and sticking up for her.
Anyways, stay with me guys and let me know if you think I screwed up with what I did today or not too badly. Thanks,
I wish I knew what my H was thinking. I wish Iknew how he was feeling about being back home. He has never said. I'm glad to be back or I missed you and the kids or anything. I never bring up the relationship and it's almost like it was before, but I still have that uneasy feeling.
I know he is going to go out with the OW and I think soon. It would be a God send if he doesn't, but past behavior predicts future behavior, right. When I saw him with her (long story), he was smiling and seemed so happy, he was another person. When he is with me and the kids, he is a grouchy most of the time, like a different person. Do you ever think he will show that he is happy with me, too. Alot of you say they treat you much better after months of DBusting, I guess I don't have much faith and am afraid I am going to have to live with the OW for the rest of my life if I stay with H. It is not fair. Anybody ever feel this way and then have it flop over to have it work in their favor. Help, thanks.
I know it's really REALLY difficult, but try to relax and not try so hard. I understand how angry OW can make you feel (I was quite vindictive towards OW and did whatever I could to hurt her.... it felt good, but didn't make me look like the greatest person)....
Anyhow, read, reread and REREAD Db stuff every day. Focus on having a positive mental attitude (PMA) regardless of what H does. Try to be the type of woman ANY man would want to be with. And just try to be H's friend. Be a good listener, add humor when things are nutty and just take it a day at a time.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I totally agree with you cissy! I didn't have the affair, but I am paying the biggest for it, I am having to do the work, walking on eggshells, while he gets to take his time! Sometimes its just not fair! The one thing that sticks with me alot is that he has yet to apologize for anything, things he said, the way he acted anything! Its like because he was depressed that gave him the get out of jail free card! But I guess this is the road that I have chosen for now and so I have to walk down!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
I think part of that is it's very hard for them to look at themselves and admit what they did. I think when they come back they sometimes feel extremely guilty, know they've caused tremendous pain and disruption, but basically want to forget it ever happened. It's kind of like having a new pet in your home. They are not quite comfortable, don't know what's going to happen, appear ready to bolt at times, and have difficulty appreciating affection until they get used to the surroundings.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I really need help with this one. The other shoe just dropped, i think! I got the infamous "I need to talk to you and I need you to be an adult about it, but not right now". i said sit down and talk to me, don't be afraid after all we've been through.
"Here goes... he says, she's my friend and we are really tight," and i need to have contact with her". (which he agreed to drop all contract with her and end if BEFORE he came home, this was 3 days ago and I know they have been talking every day.) AGGHHHHHHH! He said no more lying I want to be honest with you. Then he throws her Cancer shit in my face!(sorry anyone with cancer). Then he's telling much to much than I ever want to here like we went here and we did this and she buys this for me can you?
And than he tells me she didn't like the gloves that were bought for her at work (which she works for the same company I do)so he went and bought her special gloves and he wants me to be professional at my work and send them interoffice mail to her for her.!!! AGGHHHHHHHHHHH! I put the big "as if" FAKE smile on my face and said, oh yes, I understand how you feel I will send them to her. then i stood up for myself and said "I have been nothing but 200% professional in my job and at home through all of this and nobody including him, her or anybody elst will ever take that away from me ever!!!!
He then told me he feels he left her when she needed him and he fu**ed her over. And then I went back into "as if" mode and said I respect and understand that. (BARF BARF BARF!) and I understand that if she needs to talk about her cancer stuff once in awhile not everyday or he needs to talk about it or anything else to me, I would understand (BArf) I then said I could not and would not put up with him cheating on me and wanted us to clarify what cheating was to each of us because I am sure we bothe had different opinions on that one. I said no going out with her whatsover! No drinks, no dinners, no concerts, no hanging out and no sleeping with her and I said that it cheating. I think I even said, please do not do that to me anymore. I can not deal with it. I told him I had made mistakes and I have been putting 200% into this relationship for over a year now and I have been changing. That I did not care about the past, but right here right now. A new beginning. Maybe an even better one than we could imagine. he told me not to worry about my mistakes in the past because he was not worried about them and he said again it is going to take time and just one day at a time and I agreed but I said don't ask me to let you cheat on me because I can't.
He even at one point threatened me to go back to her if he could not keep in contact with her in the middle of the conversation. At the end he seemed satisfied because I had agreed to let him keep contact with her. I went home and CRIED. He was Happy! This is killing me. Is this a death sentence or what? She is always going to have a problem for gosh sakes, when is it going to end! He is changing the rules!!! WHT THE FK?! Is this ever going to end?
Did I take a baby step forward or 2 steps backward? I don't even know. my head is spinning. Could somebody see anything in here to make me stop crying. I hate her! She cries to him all the time and he jumps. I can even look a little crooked and god for bid he tells me to stop whining. Which I never do anyways because i would hate to put him out!!! I have never seen anyone more needy in my life?! And I'm sorry she might have cancer, but she has a family! i can't even feel sorry for her and that makes me feel guilty and makes me hate her even more!!!! AGGGHHHHH!! Get Out of my life Bit**!!!!!!!! Sorry, venting.
Oh wasn't I the one that just said he never talks about the R. I take it back. Way back. i couldn't stand talking about it. It was all about HER!!!! It's always about HER!!!!!!
