Discussion on MrsCAC4 thread - Making assumptions

[fearless]

Cobra,

You are welcome. it has been fun. I try to think of myself as being willing to take a few jabs all in good fun

Since you are giving more information about yourself, I am refining my view of you. There is still that something which I am having trouble putting my finger on…..

There is a lot of background information about my family that I may go into later. And I am not eliminating the control issue. I just need to gather info from some friends and family. I am going to see one of my best friends this weekend and she's good at seeing my issues. It's funny because I was similar to her xH and she's similar to my xH in personality. And yet in both circumstances we were the ones left by them. Go figure.

Well that post about your wife does explain a lot. While I am an upfront person, in person I am not so much of a demanding forceful person. I do not back down and I speak my mind however I do not think people would categorize me as "in your face." I definitely like the idea of people being honest and owning their stuff but you absolutely cannot FORCE or even demand it of adults. And for kids it is a balance of making sure that they see the BENEFIT of being in control. There I said it! My mom's approach always seemed more positive. Although we were punished for our mistakes, they were ours and we were able to control the results the next time. I always felt more in control to know that it was something I could change.

I have shared this example with a few parents. My mom responded to crying and complaining between kids by "punishing" us all. This may not seem "fair" but think about it, how often as a parent do you think you really know who started the mess? How many times do you guess wrong? So she forced us to figure things out between ourselves. It seemed to work for us anyway. But I guess the key is my mom was not doing it from a position of power but from love. And we always knew that. It does not mean we were happy about it all the time. Oh and another example I love about my mom's approach as a parent. My little brother was very energetic and people would call him hyper in those days. She would draw herself up (all 5') and declare that "he is NOT hyper; he is a NORMAL active little boy!" I can still hear her voice as I write that line She would still punish him for misbehaving but would not allow him to be labeled. My brother is one of the greatest guys I know and is a wonderful husband and I believe my mom's respect for him as a child was a big part of that. And she respected all of us that way.

Your wife definitely sounds like she had some family issues growing up. I can understand a bit how I might come across in my posts but you will have to trust that I am an empathetic nurturing person and not much about your wife interacts with people rings true for me. So maybe your wife and I have the same beliefs but we do not convey them the same way, have different approaches with people and may have different personalities. I never demanded that my xH be like me. I tried to draw him out not force him out. I wanted him to feel as confident about himself as he should be. Yes I know that can still be painful and worse yet I know that pain is yet another issue for him. Most people do not LIKE pain but just like physical pain there is a mental and spiritual pain that signifies growth. And I admit I am one of those people that can appreciate that kind of pain.

I am not sure I understand the defense issue as well but I will think about that more. Sometimes I think we can get too caught up in needing a protection from our mistakes. Of course there are contributing and mitigating factors as to why we do things but I am not always sure there is a true defense for a wrong action. There are many things I have done that were just plain wrong. Other people may try to defend me and make excuses but I do not. One example is that I received a DUI when I was 22. I am still upset that I drove that night. At the time I rarely (not never though) drove after drinking. I knew better and that is that. I cried so hard that night the policemen were all telling me that it was not a big deal, etc. When I told my parents they did not even yell at me because they already knew how sorry I was. But sorry is not enough. I believe that 15 years later the only thing I can hang my hat on is the fact that I do not have to worry about another DUI. I have a fairly strict 1 drink on empty stomach and 2 drinks with dinner rule. That keeps me within the safe guideline so I do not have to worry. That is how I approach things for myself anyway.

I am not sure I am enamored by Eastern philosophy but I am interested in it. I have read a few books on Taoism and some of Thich Nhat Hahn's book which have been great.

I have a lot of thinking to do so I think I will cut this short