Is it controlling to have certain expectations in a relationship?
I’ve been thinking of how to reply to this. It is a complex question because personally I don’t think there is a “right” answer. On one hand you could say that marriage is a choice and because either person is free to walk away, expectations might be a constraint on that principle. People should meet expectations out of free will, not obligation. But if you take Nop’s point of view, marriage involves certain oaths which each person has agreed to fulfill. So expectations that your spouse fulfill those oaths seem reasonably too.
In the example of Fearless and her ex, I think the control he feels is really due to his inability to confront is own issues. Her bringing it up puts the ball in his court. He feels controlled because now he must return the ball, but he can’t. So he projects blame onto Fearless. Is she controlling him? I don’t think so, but that doesn’t matter because he is the one who feels controlled and he is the only one who counts. Fearless may have been right, but she is still divorced.
Maybe the best and most realistic way to address this is through a crucible perspective. This boils down to the two choice dilemma - which choice is more/less painful than the other. Not only must you make your choice, but you must decide how that choice is going to affect your spouse. In this way each person’s values and the importance of those values is considered.
So seeing expectations as controlling by one person may be seen differently by another. In fact, someone might think having expectations placed upon them actually feels comforting. Another might feel strangled. I think it depends on the person and what that person sees as the alternate choice.
