Best of luck to you with this whole thing. You seem very articulate so I think you'll be able to do this with sensitivity and tact.
I think getting it all out will be a huge relief for both you and your husband. Usually spouses do "know" it's going on. They have a sense, they feel the distance. It really is more mutual than you think, and my guess is he knows a lot more than you realize.
Getting the affair out in the open should change the dynamics of things. I think in your case it may be the only thing that has a chance of "saving" your marriage -- since it currently is dead.
Again, best of luck to you!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
