Unfortunately, my husband and I have a history of poor communication with things like this.
Originally I heard about the trip over the holidays through his sister who just happened to bring it up during a group discussion. My husband never said anything to me about it. I think he has a history of not bringing up plans because he doesn't want to deal with me being upset or moody about it. In the past he used to go out a lot and do things without me and when I'd feel hurt or left-out he'd get angry and tell me I'm controlling, don't trust him, or don't want him to have any fun.
In my marriage I've found it hard to draw the line because I didn't have a father around so I'm not quite sure what's "normal" or "not normal" here. But what I tried to explain was that I don't mind him doing some things with friends and others. For example, I think it's great if he goes to a sports event, golfing, out to lunch and even a guys poker night.... but I don't think it's appropriate for someone in a marriage (especially after two affairs!!!) to go out to dinner with a single guy or guys (friends from work), and then stay out at a bar until 1 a.m. He used to do that a lot when the kids were younger and I really tried to accept that, but by doing it I did bottle up a lot of resentment. Even trusting anyone in a situation like this, it's still something that would lead to temptation.
Another thing.... almost every year he goes on a short fishing trip in South America with his dad and some guys from work. I kind of assumed that this trip was the same thing so that's another reason I didn't ask about it. I really don't mind him going on that South American fishing trip.... but a cruise in the Caribbean.... hummmm
Sadly, I didn't even know it was a cruise until the day he left!!!! About a month before I did learn it was the Carribean because he had to renew his passport and pay a fortune to get it done quickly. I told him I felt envious and wished I could go, but was glad he was doing something special with his father. Of course, the more I learned about the whole thing (the day he left) the worse I felt....
And I've been feeling SUPER upset about this all week. I even bought a cat (a totally bizarre thing for me to do!!! It's part leopard!) to help make me feel less unhappy (Although I do plan to give the cat to my mom. She needs a pet).
I've also spent a lot of money. I guess I'm doing this because I haven't been on a real vacation in many years (6 years) and my husband travels all the time through his work, and also went on a Hawaiian vacation with his mom and sisters during the summer so I must be wanting to be a little selfish(?). I'm typically really frugal, but this whole situation is causing me to do some very uncharacteristic things. I must be much more unhappy than I even realize. Fortunately I'll see the therapist on Friday.
So here's the big problem now. My husband has a "need" to have this type of "freedom" in a marriage and relationship, while I need more security, closeness and to feel important. However, I am committed to staying for my kids. Do I tell my husband this? Do I admit to him my needs are not being met, our needs clash, and even though I do love him deeply this is not the type of relationship I want. At this point I feel like I'm only staying for the kids. When he gets back I'm going to feel very distant. I think I need to be honest. One thing I dread is that he's probably going to accuse me of being controlling. But if something makes you feel so terrible is that controlling? Am I being unreasonable?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
