First, if you have some time, go back through some of Cat's threads. She's right and has applied some pretty good patience as her H found his way home. Some of what you write in your post reminds me of what she had first posted as she came over to piecing.
Second, what kind of counseling have you had yourself if you don't mind me asking. It seems to me you have a pretty good handle on what it is that might constitute destructive behaviour in your M (the obsessiveness). Since a lot of this comes not from recent events, but programming our entire lives, what do you think is the trigger. Personally, my W was (and still is somewhat) very controlling. As I watched her over time, I understood that she had very little control over her youth (parents divorced, her mom an alcoholic) and that haunts her today. As an adult, she feels entitled to rule with an iron fist.
That's not to say she isn't better about it now - and the small credit I will take is that I stopped being a subservient wuss and started communicating it to her when she was being a nag. I've worked on finding ways to lead her such that she doesn't feel manipulated and can find her way out of her funk when she is in one. The benefit is two fold. First, she feels connected to me emotionally and second I get to feel like I hold some significance in her life.
Also, to this day my W has still not apologized for the A - however she has thanked me for changing - grabbing my life by the horns (GAL) and making changes. I will tell you I have NO expectation of an apology - simple fact of her making her realizations that I am the real deal is validation enough. No sense living in the past - only takes away from what we need to do going forward.
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Sheesh...how on earth do we EVER get to this point? Totally and completely mystifies me.
To me, this can be a hard pill to swallow. But, I will tell you that I think most content, loved, and intimate couples generally don't stray apart or have affairs. So for the LBS, you question needs to be answered - because there is an answer.
For me, I was a workaholic cowering wussbag. Hey, I'm okay saying it because as a part of my GAL and 180's, I've killed that person in me and changed my life for the better. Result, W is back, and our relationship (and my relationship with my kids) is better than ever.
I'm not sure where I was going with all of this only to say first, Welcome to Piecing - its great you are hear but that second, now the work begins. Whatever it was that brought you H back is what you need to focus on with goals and patience. Your H too I am sure is riddled with his own emotions and guilt. Let him find his way as YOU find yours. Patience, patience, patience. Like Cat, it took my W 8 months as well from the "I think we should give this a shot" to "I love you".
There is a lot to be said of a spouse that says they will call you at X time, and then they do. Its not about winning here (something I have recently been wrapped over the head by another friend) but finding happiness in yourself. Confidence in yourself. That will make you a better spouse and that much more appealing to your H....
Hope that helps.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
