Too little emotion can seem like a lack of concern to the kids. Some emotion is necessary for people to get it that someone else cares for them. I see this as having the same effect as healthy doses of modest jealousy.
Cobra,
This really struck home with me. If XW and I were having an argument and I did my typical withdrawal, she would yell, possibly hit, curse at me...anything so I would show emotion. It didn't matter if it was good or bad, she just needed a reaction from me. I also believe I did not exhibit jealousy. In her mind this meant I didn't care and it became easy for her to rationalize leaving the marriage. I believed (arrogantly, now that I look back) that we both were committed to each other and there was no need for me to be jealous. I was confident in her love for me. I believed no matter what another man felt toward XW I knew she loved me and was committed because she told me and I should believe her. What I did not understand was that she needed that hint of jealousy from me to know that I continued to care and did not take her for granted.
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hey wait,
I could have swore that you were just talking to your x about the possibilities of getting back together at a family dinner though.... so confused ...does that mean she is still up for grabs?
BF,
You are correct. The kids and I have dinner every Thursday at a local burger joint. XW had them during the day and met me in the evening to exchange. She was going home and would be alone so I just asked her to eat with us. This is the same place XW and I had taken kids for many years. My S4 asked XW when she would be coming home and we could all be together again. I am in the family home and XW bought a house with OM (new H), so to S4 and D7 that is their true home. I called XW the next day and asked her about putting the family back together. I left it up to her because she would have to make the first move. She is remarried! I was completely honest with fearless about this. She knows how I struggle with the guilt of my kids coming from a "broken home". She is helping me work through that.
So...no, she is not up for grabs.
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Fearless, do you think your ex could have felt the same sort of thing from you. You say you don’t control, at least overtly. You call people out to assume responsibility for their actions. That seems natural for you. But if that person was not raised to do this and came from a shaming background, as your ex may have, then your method will be very difficult for him to deal with. Furthermore, the logic of why he should own his feelings is irrefutable, so he really has no defense. If he can’t deal with his shame and he cannot defend himself, then best to just go into hiding, which is what he did.
Cobra,
Is it controlling to have certain expectations in a relationship? I am asking that sincerely. I have told fearless many times how much I was like her XH. I would have the same interactions with my XW. I would avoid confrontation (or potential confrontation because I didn't truly know I just assumed), deflect blame from me and explain to XW why her feelings were wrong. I realized my contribution to the ending of my marriage. During the time of my S and ultimate D, reading, reflecting, and being here helped me to understand what kind of partner I wanted/needed to be in a successful new R.
Fearless does have an expectation that I assume responsibility for my actions. I can recall one difficult time where it was painful staying put and discussing an issue. I wanted to revert to my old nature and push her away and avoid the topic all together. I wanted to place all the blame on XW and deflect it from myself. I forced myself to stay. I did this because I knew this was an expectation of myself in this new R and an expectation of fearless. I did not see it as controlling but as something she deserved from me if I truly valued her needs in the R. I think if it is displayed in a loving manner that does help. I always tell fearless how easy it is to keep up my changes because I feel so appreciated. When your efforts are reccognized, it makes it that much easier.
I am the man who is loving my kids and will keep them from continuing this cycle of destruction.
