Piecing together, or not?

[LoginName]

J (and BeingMe),
I've followed your sitch for a while now, and I think you're in a tough spot. I've given you my 2 cents worth before - basically, do what makes you happy (I think that's what I said ;-) If you go, to pleaese him, like BeingMe did, how will you handle the resentment, especially if things don't go well? Yes, it could work out well, but what are the odds if he isn't giving much in return. I guess if you don't mind being the one doing most or all of the giving, then that's OK, but if you'll resent him or kick yourself, then it will be hard to overcome the negative feelings, don't you think?

I believe he says he loves you, and you say you love him, right? Does it feel like love? What is love and does it matter much anyway? We, here on this message board, are getting a crash course in unconditional love, but has your H? Does he understand that he has to give a little too? Unconditional love, IMHO, is great toward children, but in a M/R, both people have to feel that some of their needs are met, at least to a minimum amount. Agree? Are, and more importantly, will your needs be met?

I would love to hear how you make this funny. I bet there was a time I would have laughed at it and thought that it could never happen to me. Now, I might not laugh as hard, but someday I may really get the joke.

I may be following in your and BeingMe's footsteps, and I'm really unsure how to proceed. My W came back about 5 months ago, as you may remember. We have been slowly getting closer, but still have a long way to go (she still gives the ILYBINILWY speech). She will get her PhD next month and she is interviewing for jobs. There isn't much or anything for her locally, so she is looking out of state. She has a job interview next week. She is very excited and it looks like a great opportunity for her. But, what will happen to the family? Do we separate? Who gets the kids? What about the deatails; money, etc.? If she asks me to go with her, what about my job - now that I finally have one that I like. And do I follow her and support her knowing that she is not committed to me and may decide to end our M? I have my opinion (I stay here with kids, she can send a check home and have visitation rights). I worry about the legal problems of staddling two states (J - thanks for getting me thinking about this).

I would support her and follow her if she loved me and was committed to us (although I'd still worry about the affect on the kids and have to really talk and think it through). But with no give on her part, I think I'd be stupid to follow her (I've been known to do stupid things though).

So, that is part of the reason I advise you to make yourself happy and don't give up too much. I think my kids would be happiest with a complete set of parents. The next best thing for them would be to stay here with the schools they love, friends, grandparents and me. I've a hunch, j, that the same is true for you.

good luck J. You're in a tough spot. It's your decision, and whatever you decide can work. No choice is forever either, right? We may not get real second chances, but we can fix problems.