You know this is just another level of control for your H, to give him whatever security he needs (I would like to hear your guess as to what you think his real issue is). That it concerns the kids make it feel to both of you that you are taking a stand for their good. But really, back off from this boulder in the middle of the road. Does it really need to be moved right now? How was your life affect by the bedtime you had when you were 6?
My W and I have had plenty of conflicts over the kids. Most of them just evaporate on their own because kids grow up. I do agree that it is important to teach proper habits, etc., but I’m not sure the marriage is to the point of handling such give and take right now. This seems to be a lot like the church issue.
I agree with Blackfoot that letting the teacher put forth some advice is a good way to go. But let your H take the calls, not you. If the teacher does call you, just tell her to call your H on this matter and give her his phone number. Let him be responsible for his decision and hear first hand how it affects S6.
Perhaps I'm being rash, but does it seem worth trying to give another year to a relationship in which H has all but said, if he feels strongly enough about an issue, his opinion will trump all others? It just seems like this is enough to call the whole thing off.
I am a little concerned that your first reaction is to assume the marriage is over. It seems H is jumping to the same conclusion too. This is going back into old patterns. Remember to hold onto yourself, allow yourself to live through the anxiety you are feeling, and see if he really leaves you. If he stays, then you might be making yourself anxious for no reason. This is just typical marriage stuff. No need for jumping to divorce. Don’t make him responsible for soothing your anxiety. He can’t handle it right now.
I think you should honestly address with your H what it is you are feeling that causes you to think like you did. Let him see your fears so he can feel some empathy toward you. Ask him why he feels the same way. That might open up the both of you to exploring other compromises that you can both live with.
H flat out said he's not willing to give anymore on the issue, he's given and given and I've just taken and taken. He said it appears we've both chosen to put our foot down on this issue and he's simply not willing to give any more.
Just as we’ve discussed female code language, I think this is code language for your H. You know that if push came to shove he would have a hard time supporting this comment. But he still feels it, likely because of his issues. What is another issue that he thinks he has given in on? Is it something you can swap out for some movement on the bedtime issue? He is not talking about a one-off incident. He sees a pattern somewhere, so I think you should try to see what that pattern is. Don’t try to argue whether it is valid or not (it probably isn’t), but as GEL says, agree with him on it.
GEL knows what she is talking about. IMO, she uses that adult attachment approach to put herself on the same side as her H. That is why she can demobilize his defenses before he can even get them up. It is a smart strategy. It is also in line with Dr. Laura.
Another thing I saw you mention is that your H takes naps in the afternoon? What is that all about? Not saying you should do this, but if it were me, I would be doing something to prevent your H from taking naps. This may be his preferred lifestyle, but he does need to learn to compromise in a marriage, and eliminating naps so he can go to bed earlier sounds reasonable. Is there some way you can fill up his time when he is napping?
In fact, if it were me, I would be questioning his whole routine as a way to sabotage the relationship by shifting schedules in his favor and to your detriment, but don’t you say that now. In negotiation, everything is fair game to be place on the bargaining table. Maybe that’s another battle for later.
